Part IV

Therapy is over, at least for now, and that is reason enough alone to drink—or to drink alone. Either way, it suits the situation. I spend hours and hours on my body, and the results have been amazing [to me]. But what has this brought me? Absolutely nothing. No awesome sex, hot dates [with exception, of course], or any other form of eroticism other than my own fantasies. What will I do about this? I will only work harder to make my body even more enjoyable to absolutely no one but myself. Why, it does not matter. The point is that I will be happy with it…
[break]
…A process that will render me free from all [bad] bacteria, purifying my insides from the gross and dirty. If my thoughts could only [be cleansed the same way]. [It is] too bad that there [exists] no physical cleanse for the thoughts. Concluding this night [these four posts on my blog], there will be those out there who find themselves just as lonely as I. I suppose the only logical thing to do is to connect with these people through projects or other venues in order to preoccupy our lonely selves. The end for now…

Part III

I notice that every time that I grow weary of this old life my eyes turn to major change—such as a move. Possibly to [bleep] or [bleep]. Loneliness is a bitch. Of the worst kind. Why does my heart long to be in the places which have become the residences of my friends. I am not sure of this answer. Most recently my longings draw me to a school of divinity located in [bleep]. More specifically, the school of divinity of [bleep]. I find it to be quite comical that my desires can be both righteous and “evil” at the same time. My thoughts are not slowing, but rather they are occurring to quickly for me to organize properly. If life were only as simple as choosing a red or a blue pill. Which would I choose? When I think of the fear that Hell instills within my heart, I think to myself, “How can a God that loves us so much allow anyone to endure such suffering [as Hell]? Because I love those who shall dwell in Hell, no matter what. Does that make me evil? If it does, than so be it.

Part II

more free write…
[It seems as though many of] my friendships have all turned stale. I do not know what to do about this; I am important to few, though fun to many. At a moment, I can be the center of attention and in the next, my existence can be forgotten. I know this must all sound selfish, but honestly, if this were untrue, why would I be writing this? Even my closest of friends keep things from me for one reason or another. I cannot hate them for it, but it hurts me. What are the requirements of one that he may be trusted enough by a friend so that nothing should be veiled from his eyes? I wonder, what are those requirements and where is the book containing their descriptions? On a related note, this must have been the worst Christmas which I have ever experienced. There is no exaggeration in my words, just simple despair. I know this all sounds so melancholy and ridiculously close the tiresome grumblings of the short lived punk-rock-emo era that was so melodramatic.

Part I

a free write...


Why the hell does this life present us with that which is unhealthy for us, though at first sight it seems as if we would die without it? Sometimes, I feel as though I will never get the comfort which I seek. There is a road out there I long to take, but it is wrong. I know it is. But I still yearn for it. It is absolute bullshit that we should even be presented with such a hardship. It is a damned thing really. Also, is it possible that my own beloved country has indeed become the most disenchanting place to live? I fear this to be true, for I am not persecuted nor am I restricted. In fact, it might be that I have attained too much freedom. This resulting in too much free time. Is that possible? It does not seem as though I have this kind of time. It pains me to say it, but death and tragedy have not yet struck heavy enough blows in my life to change the pace of the passing time even of the slightest. Crazy, crazy, these words must sound. Though they are true. Complete, utter honesty.

though they shall dwell in the depths of darkness
i will love them unconditionally, without regret
if evil is about me for that reason,
then so be it, and my sould will reek of evil

hi-ho, hi-ho
it's off to work i go
a graveyard shift that's five days long
hi-ho, hi-ho, hi-ho hi-ho


by the way, in case i should expire ere i write here again, merry christmas, and to all a good-- well, a long night(s).

in my world atop the bell tower
i can see the future beyond
but the wind up here is strong
and the cold is biting;
i might not have this view for long...

shame on those who now have the gall
to call to question "our" moral character
and who find it necessary to chastise "us"
for "doing" far less than that
which they instruct us to do,
from their cinematic thrones


these out of touch imbeciles on rodeo drive
have no business even attempting
to tell "us" what is morally right


i will ignore their complaints,
though i am actually not a part of their problem
but i will fervently defend those who are their targets


they have no class, they have no shame
all is right, and nothing is wrong
so why is there a god on their side now?
hell no 90210, hell no

the best is yet again to come
it is unfathomable, i hope...

on the other side of the fence,
a man realized that the grass only appeared greener
but of course once examined more closely
it was just grass, and he gained nothing
yet he lost the wonder of the unknown
and that wonder was more precious
than the brief illusion, now decloaked

my heart is full of the new day
there is much on my mind
and much to be thought about
this recent excitement is what i need...
i think...
for the blood flows again,
and life continues on

of sadness does my heart cry
this holiday is too hard, too difficult
this season has fallen atop me
and i am not ready to face it


the 'withdraw' button has been moved
and i cannot find my way out
logic dictates that everything will end
but my wild heart is not tamed by simply that

briskly do the four winds blow
and round about they flutter
my soul swept up into the gale
and off to peace i hurry

'tis almost the end, just a little more time
of course i'm not in my head, but
watching from outside my body
and i shall lead my wandring self home

and i went, indeed,
and shockingly i forgot, for a moment--
but then i remembered
and it seemed so right
so good, so full of life!

perhaps in three shall i go
ev'n if 'tis without thou
prepare the way said he,
maybe i shall too, we'll see

A heart full of love,
is a heart filled with thankfulness.
For love is not ungrateful and selfish;
but it is a wonder to be shared.

what is this thing? it feels weird
it's been so long, now it's so strong
i shall not fight it, for it seems good
what if it... yes, indeed, what if...

that funny feeling, that crazy feeling
exciting, nerve-racking, the mountains are blue!
the sky covered in a warm blanket of clouds
and my spirit is soaring about, free flying

as i float along here on the ninth cloud
my heart flutters with an irregular beat
fast then slow, then i don't know
but oh what a feeling; restoration!

power up, power down, what a cycle
the engine churns and churns, and,
now it longs to retire, for good this time
perhaps to the mountains? possibly the cool

crap

asleep...

i've played and played
and played, and played
and now i shall play some more?

water water everywhere,
it caused a lot of stink
and as it krept throughout the house,
it took from me my drink!

words that describe recent life:

anticipation
reason
love (who would have thought?)
hands
hug
wish
trust
explosive
end
please
nurture
truth
discipline
devotion

silent solace

it has come and gone, but just begun
and i am ever joyful in that knowledge
the future holds great excitement, surprises
and i expecting great things

the sky was blue, a deep blue,
as the deep end of the ocean
the trees were of rich greens,
dusting the horizon, kissing the water's edge
the rocks towered above all else,
the canvas holding the scene together

then, both feet touched the water
gently impressing upon it
they prevailed above the ripples
and everything was perfect; picturesque

for the poor shall become
the strength of this new foundation
and the broken shall become
the cornerstone of this new season

peace in our time,
it is here, it is now,
thou war's amidst,
there is comfort

either way, it all ends today
one will be in, one will be out
i know what my heart desires
because one side has played dirty
and i suppose they shall continue to do so
but they shall not succeed tonight

the stars lie atop the roof dear boy,
all you have to do is climb up and reach them.

why does it hurt thee, though i wish it to do good,
and why does it overtake me, though i stomp it out?
i can only do what i know to do in meditation,
for without You i am nothing, lost, without purpose.

cantus firmus, oh sing my soul,
but why not of the ancient chant?
can i sing this song in my heart
in the way it was giv'n to me?

under no control of mine,
it happened yet again.
i still feel robbed, sort of,
but then again releived?

on the green hills shall i pray, shall i pray
on the green hills shall i pray
for my Lord has giv'n me great joy today
so on the green hills shall i pray

i tumbled down into a well tonight
but instead of sinking deeper into the quick sand
i leaped up out of that place and ascended the mountain top
i was stilled, quieted, healed, then i descended back into my place

as i place the letters to form words,
and then the words to form phrases,
and then the phrases to form a letter,
i shall hold fast to the greatest emotions of my heart.

it is now the time that we must embrace the familiarities of the past
these, that have and will continue to bring up the weary, heal
not to become a slave master, yet rather a reminder, a hope

------

methinks twas the morn ere this day
that the world awakened me on the wrong side of where i lay
but i am here now, and some precious rest came to me

as i meander up the rosary,
memories and thoughts begin to fill my mind,
as sand fills the bottom of an hour glass.
there is more, much more, so much more,
but this, my simple plan, must suffice for now.

as the aroma fills the void,
the clouds in my eyes lift
and i now know what truth is

pain is all around,
yet i have joy to grasp,
and i thank Him for you

put a starstreak before me
that brightness may overcome
the light piercing through existence

the last stretch is before me
i shall pursue the trek
clarity comes with the morning dawn
and my soul will be at peace!

reality strikes, realness becomes life,
the airiness of the enchanted beyond is almost forgotten
a mountain's highest top still rises above the fog,
yet the base cannot ever be found
the sound of waterfalls crisply breaks through the mist
but the eye shall not see their splendor
the cool breeze sweeps across the senses,
and that sensation shall remain fresh upon us.

the flames that leap from your eyes
singe the edges of my soul
just enough so that i may feel the burn
yet i remain unharmed by the pyre

this mediocrity for which they have settled
shall become the death of all which is new
i cannot yeild to this devastation
but i would rather hinder their misefforts

i became imprisoned in a dream during the night
i was aware, completely aware, and i could not flee
i knew what would happen, and i feared the future
i could not escape, though, i could not stop it
i ran from realm to realm, searching for help
i found my way back to safety, though not unharmed
i fell and was wounded, and my heart was pricked
i returned, though, to my true mind at my place of rest
 
------
 
the continuum of time presses onward,
we are pressed ever closer in this place
i can feel the others nearby,
and we are very close, too close

the strand unravels, and the interworkings become visible
the unexpected surfaces, and the shock is not so intense
the thread is not so complicated, but in fact weak

as you lay your head softly upon your pillow t'night,
know that you are cared for, you are thought about,
there is hope and there are great things in store for you,
as it has been made known to many.

the key to the door lies just beneath the sill,
and the path away leads just beyond the door
for at the end of that path you shall find a stone,
and underneath that stone lies the meaning of life

in peace we came and met you today
we came with quiet and humble hearts to pray
and it was here that you came to visit us
in our times of both joy and sorrow
love, love, love is what took place
and your peace pervaded so gently

put our hands together,
that way we may complete.
our thoughts combine,
our souls to form as one.

but not of anger, let your heart gleam of peace
and toward men, swing not a cutting blade of wrath
for 'tis wise and right to be decent and humane

every wind doth have its way, every season doth have its day

home is truly a place that is comforting to the soul
the spirit rests quietly upon the furniture
and it draws life from its faucets
spirit dwelling is not such a bad name for this place

into the sweet darkness, do i pull my eyes
i see the deep thought, the vision, glimmering there
growing ever bigger, the light takes form
clouds, everywhere, a floating sea of foam
and ships, yes ships, sailing through the murky sky
how i long to know this place, to breathe it
i desire the adventure, the peace, the wonder
for someday i shall be intimate with this place

and now my childish hopeful dreams
of lifting that still brightly shining star
from the dregs in which it was thought to be
have all but faded away, into the realm of what could have been

------

empty words on empty pages
text is a matter of opinion
what can the mysterious they offer
when thought is word, word is thought,
and life is the sum total of exact numbers

yet with my fall, another shall rise
and by my falter, a path shall be paved
upon my ignorance, wisdom shall shower
and so in the death of myself, greater life is born

Keep me safe, Keep me sound
My eyes will rest gently
As my body lie in stillness
My heart will beat softly now

Turn, turning, look upon that spinning wheel.
As the film revolves around the reel.
Pictures show, ideas flow, it's all so dizzy.
In a circle in a loop, bread will restore balance,
Or the reservoir will burst and all will be lost.

torn and worn, the shoe is neglected
ripped and weathered, the sole is spliced
chewed and shredded, the laces are breaking
yet it is still a shoe, my shoe, and it fits

fairest one, oh fairest one
i entreat you to explain
this love is here, yet so far away
whilst my heart remains confused

It is done, the appointment is set.
That moment that I have been waiting for.
Has finally arrived.
Now I shall proceed with this healing.
And I shall receive good counsel.
My heart is happy, truly happy.

I crossed over the crevasse, and ascended the mountain top t'night.
Upon the sun's setting, I made the flight to the ground below.
Then once again, I piloted the steep terrain and arrived at m'dnight.
The moon shown brightly upon us, for our way was as clear as day.
'Twas a most enjoyable and exuberating night indeed!

And the light shines forth,
Piercing the stillness of the mundane,
And it showers over its audience,
Caressing them all with peace.

The road is long and treacherous to be sure
And because of this I shall wear my best boots

Upon this stormy sea does my heart sail.
On and on through the deep aqua horizon
Until it reaches that break, that far away land.
And my heart shall sing the songs of hope.

The stone of the brick crumbles.
It falls to the ground, and the fear in it grows.
No longer is it attached to its strong body,
But now it is alone, falling, to an unknown fate.

well all, 'tis Friday, the thirteenth!
a happy day to you all, and p.s. do not go the dark streets alone!

The box was opened, its contents gleaming from within,
And shattered glass it was, for 'twas once a mirror
A vein of icy cold stretched forth from the peices
To touch the face which looked upon them
All noise was then silenced
As the display was reset for the next visitor.

I am ever so thankful this night
For that with which I have been blessed.

My heart beats to music this night, as it has many a time in the past.
As I peacefully lay my head to rest, my mind settles and sleeps.
Tomorrow brings a new day, perhaps a new season,
And I contently await the dawn.

A man hosted a dinner party at his home one particularly cool summer evening. His best friends were of course all there, in their best dress. The evening began with freshly brewed tangerine herb tea as the fellowship sat around the living room rekindling memories of the past. A fine dinner was served, and all mouths were fed to satisfaction. The guests then took up post supper residence in the parlor where the host offered a pleasant dessert and premium port as well. Upon finishing all dining, the party moved on to the patio, which looked on to a moonlit valley covered in trees. The aroma of dark slow roasted coffee filled the chilly night air and everyone was quite comfortable. It had been a very relaxing evening thus far.

The host then rose to speak, and the words spilled forth from his lips, “My friends, you have all known me for a very long time and we have all shared wonderful times together. I invited you all here tonight because there is something I must tell you. I am not of the age that you believe me to be. Rather, I have traversed this earth for just beyond one hundred eighty years. You will all have a hard time believing this, but you may examine these personal photographs and other oddities of mine that I have collected through the years.”

Upon careful inspection and much discussion, the guests determined that indeed, their long time friend had been truthful in his admission. Of course they were still shocked and puzzled and several still doubted the outrageous story. They petitioned their host for an explanation to calm their spirits. The man rose once more and conveyed to his attentive audience that he had hidden his age from the world out of fear. He knew that if it was widely known that he was actually five times the age he looked, his life would surely be in danger. The man also explained to his guests that his age was of course due to his ever enduring lifespan for which there was no end in sight.

Finally, after the group had all talked the situation to death, the host bid them all farewell and gifted each person with a special envelope which they were to open at a later time. Everyone was most grateful to their host for the wonderful evening, though it was certainly served with a surprising finale.

A day or two later, one of the guests opened his envelope that he had received and in it he found a card. The card read, “Thank you for your friendship, kindness, and loyalty. You will surely remain dear to my heart. Unfortunately, we shall not see one another again. For I have moved on, as I have done many times in my life. It is difficult to understand, I know, why I have vanished from your life and many others’ lives as well. You must know, however, that since my life has no bounds, I must open and close the chapters in it with my own hand. It is the only way I can remain unharmed by those who would selfishly seek to know my secret. It is best for us all, really, for your children and new friends will eventually make note of my eternal youth, and pain will only result from that. I cannot guarantee that I shall stay hidden for always, because always is a long time. Until then though, I bid you a final farewell.

It came, it went, in grey, it was
Such a lovely day!

I dream of an overcast sky, softly blanketing the incredibly deep green hills below. The soft ground looks up to the snowy canopy above and returns the kiss. Time does not pass as the day progresses; rather, the reverie slowly fades until it is all white. This place is warmly cool and it is moist with drops of nature's dew. Heaven has bestowed its beauty upon this place--a place which I have surely hidden within my heart.

The chains are now light, though they are not removed
And I shall step further forward, and the future will flower

Rapture! I am returned!
My state is elation, and in Him I am whole.
He has placed me upright this day,
And I am strong in the Purpose.
Great things are to come,
Great and wonderful things!

pressing... onward... trying... pull...
still no resolve, keep trying... just a little more...

Sleep has escaped me this past week.
I mean to say that in the morn, not at night.
I wake at four, then five, and six,
Yet I fell asleep at only three.
My mind will not stop thinking.
I dream constantly and I recall it all.
Rest come quickly, and draw near to me
And bade my body to peace.

------
every time that i think i've finally come to a solid conclusion,
or that i have finally reached a promising point in my life,
my world shatters before me,
only to crush what i thought were good plans
and when my security fails, i see clearly the list of my failures,
and the cycle begins again, and again, and again...

from my journal book...

As all storm clouds fade away,
So does the hope that came with them.
The sky returns to pale blue grey,
And my soul calms amidst the spurn.

i saw my friend tonight, alive and well.
he was happy and lived a full life.
and to think that I saw all of this, from a notebook...

A kite wanders far from its origins.

As it reaches its greatest distance,
Its strings attaching it to its home are pulled tight.
The true tension is now felt.
The kite sees the rest of the world before it,
And with excitement and wonder, it longs to explore.
But the kite knows that its home loves it dearly
And it is glad that its strings keep it anchored.
Then the kite is pulled in slowly, retracing its every step.
It will go out again, though, this time in another direction, to explore new territory.
Only to be reminded of its origins, fortunately,
For it shall indeed joyfully return home.

to the shine we must go
to the shine we must go
dead yet alive, to the shine we must go!

------

The fields of glory, they watch the sun rise on their crest.
They look east and wonder what life holds for them at best.
When the birds begin their singing and the light fills up the sky
Then the stalks begin the swaying, from the dance they do not shy.

What tidings are to follow, what shall purpose define
In the midst of everything, what shall stand and shine?

Time will pass and time will pass, all ages drying up
But the fields, yes in their glory, will always fill the cup.

sit still and wonder, what happened then?
i cannot fathom, i do not remember.
was i really that ignorant?
no, just toyed with to the max.

sorry all, but i really must convey this latest frustration...

if you drive like a badass,
do not expect others to go easy on you.

dear sir, why must you pilot your vehicle so poorly?
driving is your drama, and it is no art.
perhaps you would oblige to learn,
learn properly that is, of motoring in our world.

For that, dear heart, is why I make this change.
I need another heart, not just one.
I am sorry if my honesty about this hurts you,
For you have always been faithful to me.
But you must understand, that just as you need blood to function
I need yet an additional heart to live.

Oh great shell, what lies ahead?
Does thee forecast happines in this heart of mine?
Tell me the secrets of the sea, thee great god.
Captivate my soul, that I would see what thee sees.
And shall my pleadings not come to pass,
My soul embrace with thine transcendent peace.

As I look at these age old walls-
These walls which have watched me grow-
I wonder if I have improved as a person,
Since I first arrived here many years ago.
I should at first think not-
But then I recall, and I think it is so.
These walls have indeed seen,
They have seen much, much of my life.
Though I was away for awhile,
They remained with me always.
I suppose I remained with them as well.
For they seem to have not forgotten me.

I wonder what these walls think of me...
I would be interested to know...
I think them to be wonderful,
Full of magic and splendor.
As they were always watching me
They filled my heart with overwhelming joy.
A sort of strength to me they were,
For their structure gave me support.

In great times of difficulty, stress, and sorrow,
Their strength remained, and ministered to me.
How can I ever repay these great watchmen?
I have nothing to offer.
Only to comment on their beauty,
And their generosity toward the vines.
Yes, the vines repay the walls for their kindness
By contributing the beauty of their leaves.

So I am thankful for these walls,
And their endless interest in me.
Nothing lasts forever,
Even walls so strong.
And forever, they shall not last,
As no being upon this Earth is able.
But, for the time that we are all here,
These walls will remain to be my good friends.
And I suppose that as I grow through't the years,
They will be here, watching, and waiting.

The day comes to an end.
The birds stop their singing.
Night has of course befallen us.
Into deep sleep we enter,
And the morning brings to us a new week.
And I wonder if the cycle will begin again.

Tis now that day!
That great and glorious day!
When my heart returns to you, and becomes content.
Oh, how I wish that every day was such a day,
But alas, my heart be not of the greatest strength.
Though now, you shall make me whole.

------

What? I have not answered you fully?
Why? You cannot see what I see.
Clearly. You shall not be privied to my soul.

I think I shall never purchase another straw again.
Not because I shall not use one, to drink with.
But mainly because I cannot see validity in buying them,
When Taco Bell hands them out for free.
The question is, would I feel bad waltzing in and taking them?
I think not, save for the fact that I won't be buying anything...

Not too often do I write in this journalistic fashion,
But I must tell you all, all of you who read my writings,
And all of you who author the writings that I read,
That I will be seeing a "therapist," or a counselor, rather,
On a regular basis for an indefinite period.
These sessions are to commense soon,
And you will know when it has happened,
As I am sure that I will be writing about it,
Although it might not be in such a clear form as this.
I just wanted you all to know, for my sake.
And thanks for your writings,
As my days are more joyful because of them.

The light is back on now.
For a while there, I almost gave up and fell asleep.
But energy has returned.

It was me and the piano, just sitting with each other.
Oh, no I am sorry--for my friend Jonny D was there also.
We all sang songs, played great music, and enjoyed the night away!

Thunder crashed around us. Crash. Bang. Boom.
Yet all I could hear was the song insided me,
Bursting forth from within.
Oh, and wait, what is that I hear?
Yes, indeed, the thunder is back--
I wonder if once again the power wi

------

Every day, I think of a list of things that have had a major impact
Upon my life. Many days, the thoughts and
News of a given person can produce the
Most profound effects on my soul.
I am ever so grateful for this.

Forgive me this that I write, but I must...

Suicide is painless,
what a wonderful song
I cannot help to think this,
as I've fought so long

What is there to hope for
in this dreadful song?
Absolutely nothing!
That's why there's nothing wrong.

A man walked up a hill until he met a tree.
He smiled at the great Elm and asked, "How do you do?"
At this, the leafy king swayed in the wind, its leaves purring to the air.
Before long, the man fell asleep, his head resting gently upon a cool root.
When the man awoke, he found that he had aged significantly.
His hands were wrinkled, and his beard three feet long!
Indeed, he had a good night's sleep!

When the man arrived to town, he was flabbergasted.
As he looked around, he noticed that the townspeople had not aged a day.
All who were around him looked exactly as they did when he departed.
His friends were young and robust, while he was running from time.
"I am old," he said. "And my young heart cannot survive."
With that, the man quietly exited the town once more.
As he headed back up the hill to see his old friend, he thought to himself:

"My curiosity does not lie with the unknown happenings of my current crisis--
Rather, I wonder why time may beat my body though my heart remain steadfast."
With that, the man kindly greeted his old green friend and gently laid his hand upon the stalk.
Soon, he was asleep. This time forever,
And in his dreams his wild heart reigned freely.
His youthful glee shining endlessly throughout the ages.

A man of convictions, yet sometimes wrong, is much more trustworthy than he who sees to it that he is always right

Then all of a sudden I remember,
But do I recall--or is it a figment?
The horrors press forward, then lightning...
Then, oh , OH my god--that's a paloverde beetle!

--Oh, how I absolutely hate beetles!

I cannot stand the thought of insects, bugs, and the like
I have hated them so since I was a child
They are so gross and detestable
And they creep me out beyond belief
Oh, if my soul could be free from fear
Fear of those creepy crawlers that torment me
Bees are bad, spiders are worse
Roaches third, but scorpions shall be the end of me!

------

The sky remains of grey
Yet the raindrops do not fall
The anxiety of the coming storm
Cannot hold out forever

I cried tonight,
My heart cried too.
I shed many tears, and I wailed aloud.
Mr. Seven gave me no comfort.
I cried tonight, I cried hard.
I have not cried like this in a long time.
You know of the cause of my tears.
Why I cannot remember, I do not know.
I wish I could see back in time, to know the details.
But, alas I cannot. And only a miracle could reveal such things.
But would this truly be a miracle or a nightmare?
This I do not know.
I cried tonight. I cried so very hard.
I needed you. I have not felt so lonely in my entire life!
The fogginess of my past troubles me so.
So blurry, yet so clearly problematic.
I want to remember, but I do not.
What happened? Did I really forget?
I did. I have. That is why. That is why all of this---
I cried tonight.

This is now the time
That I commit myself fully
To the plan I have set out before me
A plan that will guide me toward health
A plan that will keep my spirits high
Should I stray from this plan, what be my resolve?
I will rise again, and take hold the reigns
For I shall not look back to the old way

------

You will find rest here, you weakened warrior
Here you will find that peace that lies within
Come rest your head here, you weakened warrior
This place of peace pervades the soul
Regain your strength here, you weakened warrior
For here you will heal and gain rest
My heart is healed this day!

Mr. Moore, I ask you, why do lies run through your veins?
Mr. Moore, I plead you, has your heart died completely?
Mr. Moore, I say to you, those you hate protect you.
Mr. Moore, I know you, you have your secret plan.
Mr. Moore, I tell you, we are not blind sheep.
Mr. Moore, I imlore you, to look at what you are doing.
Mr. Moore, I beg of you, to cease your spreading lies.
Mr. Moore, I reveal to you, there is nothing more painful than lies.
Mr. Moore, I ask of you, to be an honorable man.
Mr. Moore, I proclaim to you, I see your soul as lifeless.
Mr. Moore, I profess to you, truth wins the war over lies,
EVERY TIME.

Of strong matters I shared today
And yet my heart still throbs from anxiety
Peace come back to me, to my soul
That I might find comfort in thine arms.

Of what is my heart speaking?

Ah, the oddities of life...

I want to be dark, but I want to be light
I want to be tall, and I want to be medium height
I want to be strong, yet I want to be thin
I want to be thin, and I want to be thick
I want blonde hair, but I like brown also
I want perfect teeth, yet I want --oh wait-- no, I do want perfect teeth!

As I watched dreams shatter before my very eyes
I was not sad, I did not cry
I almost felt the hand of time
Only telling me what I already knew.

I cannot seem to escape the sick feelings from the past
Yet I have a peace with them
Though before me hurt made its presence known,
I was not scared, nor did I cringe.

Peace be with my soul
For a soul without peace is no soul at all
And may I find comfort in that which is in my soul
And not in that which tries to destroy it.

From my deepest sleep, I have now awakened.
Almost years have passed since I have come to.
Though life has returned fully to me now,
All eternal bliss has ceased.
With full emotion I am now returned
To the place I love, that precious peace.

A day of celebration... yet can I not simply rest?

This day I am home, I am safely home.
Only by the grace of God am I reached this destination.
He hath provided me a way. A way to follow, all the way home.
For this I am thankful, and I will continue to be
Thankful, for His guidance, and loving me.

In most recent days, I have been pondering the skill of playing the bagpipes. Now, I of course am Scottish, so I would be deceiving if I stated that my heritage had nothing to o with these thoughts. For a long time now, I have had the longing to become learned in the pipes, but I have not moved toward the art-- until now. In the next week I plan to obtain a practice pipe on which I can become skilled in the basics of piping. I have to say my reasoning for wanting to play the pipes is somewhat clouded, but I have a great appreciation for the dramatic effect of the bagpipes. I am most excited in this venture and I am anxious to see where it will lead. I do believe that I will frequently journal about this, as I progress in the skill. I hope and pray that my future in piping will be most exciting and also very moving.

Oh, how I long to describe myself in this record. My longing to be a part of this phenomenon is too great for me to describe. Why do I long so to be a part of this? I cannot say. Only but that I must continue to be here. I must continue to let myself go here. This day has called to me. To write. To you, this phenomenon.

Once a man said to another, "You know, you really should never wear black shoes with a brown suit," to which the other man replied, "Good Sir, you really should never give a man your two cents--unless of course he is asking for change."

Some thoughts on an art...
I was recently pondering one of the arts that I practice and an interesting thought occurred to me: Sometimes, the inspiration that I so desperately need simply refuses to lend its supporting hand. There is nothing that any human can do about this dilemma--that's for sure. But maybe my real problem is that I am seeking a being called inspiration, rather than the One who truly knows me.

There are those in life who, from their tongues,
Put forth the greatest untruths.
We cannot see them, or can we?
But for only time will tell, in days, months
Yes, months will tell if we found them out
Months will tell if we were as stupid as they deemed us to be
The months will tell if we, collectively, were silently smart.

Night slowly befalls us, into deep sleep we must enter
For tomorrow brings a new day, a new dawn
For which we must live life to the fullest.

Why does the dawn call on us to live?
Because we are chosen--by Him
So Sun, I will not hate you any more.

------
Not to belabor the point...
But the sun again was the center of my troubles this morn. Thou it did not surprise me, it still pushed its way through the night sky to pervade the Earth. I found myself of little anger though, as I knew that I was becoming used to the routine. I suppose this is something that will not change any time soon.

I wonder why I have taken such issue with the Sun...
Some might say that I have a "deeper" underlying issue that causes my fervor. This of course is nonsense, as the Sun and I have been battling for years.
I welcome the cloudy skies in lovely shades of grey,
But my nemesis the Sun prefers to shine my rain away.

Still in the comfort of my abode I find peace in the darkness, as I am ever strong in my petitions against the Sun.

The sun rose this morning--of this I was unaware.
It attemped to shine through my window, but I planned ahead.
Now when the sun attempts to creep into my room unexpectedly,
It will be met with a fortress wall that it cannot pass.
I would like to see the Sun try to call my name now.
I will laugh and laugh and laugh at it--of course when I awake.

This is a beautiful place;
There is light here.

The trees standing firm
  Provide the shade is much loved
    Roots are eternal

Cloudy skies reach me
  I am taken up to them
    They change me within

Stars above the clouds
  I see a traveling sky
    Then the moon rises