Sleep has escaped me this past week.
I mean to say that in the morn, not at night.
I wake at four, then five, and six,
Yet I fell asleep at only three.
My mind will not stop thinking.
I dream constantly and I recall it all.
Rest come quickly, and draw near to me
And bade my body to peace.

------
every time that i think i've finally come to a solid conclusion,
or that i have finally reached a promising point in my life,
my world shatters before me,
only to crush what i thought were good plans
and when my security fails, i see clearly the list of my failures,
and the cycle begins again, and again, and again...

from my journal book...

As all storm clouds fade away,
So does the hope that came with them.
The sky returns to pale blue grey,
And my soul calms amidst the spurn.

i saw my friend tonight, alive and well.
he was happy and lived a full life.
and to think that I saw all of this, from a notebook...

A kite wanders far from its origins.

As it reaches its greatest distance,
Its strings attaching it to its home are pulled tight.
The true tension is now felt.
The kite sees the rest of the world before it,
And with excitement and wonder, it longs to explore.
But the kite knows that its home loves it dearly
And it is glad that its strings keep it anchored.
Then the kite is pulled in slowly, retracing its every step.
It will go out again, though, this time in another direction, to explore new territory.
Only to be reminded of its origins, fortunately,
For it shall indeed joyfully return home.

to the shine we must go
to the shine we must go
dead yet alive, to the shine we must go!

------

The fields of glory, they watch the sun rise on their crest.
They look east and wonder what life holds for them at best.
When the birds begin their singing and the light fills up the sky
Then the stalks begin the swaying, from the dance they do not shy.

What tidings are to follow, what shall purpose define
In the midst of everything, what shall stand and shine?

Time will pass and time will pass, all ages drying up
But the fields, yes in their glory, will always fill the cup.

sit still and wonder, what happened then?
i cannot fathom, i do not remember.
was i really that ignorant?
no, just toyed with to the max.

sorry all, but i really must convey this latest frustration...

if you drive like a badass,
do not expect others to go easy on you.

dear sir, why must you pilot your vehicle so poorly?
driving is your drama, and it is no art.
perhaps you would oblige to learn,
learn properly that is, of motoring in our world.

For that, dear heart, is why I make this change.
I need another heart, not just one.
I am sorry if my honesty about this hurts you,
For you have always been faithful to me.
But you must understand, that just as you need blood to function
I need yet an additional heart to live.

Oh great shell, what lies ahead?
Does thee forecast happines in this heart of mine?
Tell me the secrets of the sea, thee great god.
Captivate my soul, that I would see what thee sees.
And shall my pleadings not come to pass,
My soul embrace with thine transcendent peace.

As I look at these age old walls-
These walls which have watched me grow-
I wonder if I have improved as a person,
Since I first arrived here many years ago.
I should at first think not-
But then I recall, and I think it is so.
These walls have indeed seen,
They have seen much, much of my life.
Though I was away for awhile,
They remained with me always.
I suppose I remained with them as well.
For they seem to have not forgotten me.

I wonder what these walls think of me...
I would be interested to know...
I think them to be wonderful,
Full of magic and splendor.
As they were always watching me
They filled my heart with overwhelming joy.
A sort of strength to me they were,
For their structure gave me support.

In great times of difficulty, stress, and sorrow,
Their strength remained, and ministered to me.
How can I ever repay these great watchmen?
I have nothing to offer.
Only to comment on their beauty,
And their generosity toward the vines.
Yes, the vines repay the walls for their kindness
By contributing the beauty of their leaves.

So I am thankful for these walls,
And their endless interest in me.
Nothing lasts forever,
Even walls so strong.
And forever, they shall not last,
As no being upon this Earth is able.
But, for the time that we are all here,
These walls will remain to be my good friends.
And I suppose that as I grow through't the years,
They will be here, watching, and waiting.

The day comes to an end.
The birds stop their singing.
Night has of course befallen us.
Into deep sleep we enter,
And the morning brings to us a new week.
And I wonder if the cycle will begin again.

Tis now that day!
That great and glorious day!
When my heart returns to you, and becomes content.
Oh, how I wish that every day was such a day,
But alas, my heart be not of the greatest strength.
Though now, you shall make me whole.

------

What? I have not answered you fully?
Why? You cannot see what I see.
Clearly. You shall not be privied to my soul.

I think I shall never purchase another straw again.
Not because I shall not use one, to drink with.
But mainly because I cannot see validity in buying them,
When Taco Bell hands them out for free.
The question is, would I feel bad waltzing in and taking them?
I think not, save for the fact that I won't be buying anything...

Not too often do I write in this journalistic fashion,
But I must tell you all, all of you who read my writings,
And all of you who author the writings that I read,
That I will be seeing a "therapist," or a counselor, rather,
On a regular basis for an indefinite period.
These sessions are to commense soon,
And you will know when it has happened,
As I am sure that I will be writing about it,
Although it might not be in such a clear form as this.
I just wanted you all to know, for my sake.
And thanks for your writings,
As my days are more joyful because of them.

The light is back on now.
For a while there, I almost gave up and fell asleep.
But energy has returned.

It was me and the piano, just sitting with each other.
Oh, no I am sorry--for my friend Jonny D was there also.
We all sang songs, played great music, and enjoyed the night away!

Thunder crashed around us. Crash. Bang. Boom.
Yet all I could hear was the song insided me,
Bursting forth from within.
Oh, and wait, what is that I hear?
Yes, indeed, the thunder is back--
I wonder if once again the power wi

------

Every day, I think of a list of things that have had a major impact
Upon my life. Many days, the thoughts and
News of a given person can produce the
Most profound effects on my soul.
I am ever so grateful for this.

Forgive me this that I write, but I must...

Suicide is painless,
what a wonderful song
I cannot help to think this,
as I've fought so long

What is there to hope for
in this dreadful song?
Absolutely nothing!
That's why there's nothing wrong.

A man walked up a hill until he met a tree.
He smiled at the great Elm and asked, "How do you do?"
At this, the leafy king swayed in the wind, its leaves purring to the air.
Before long, the man fell asleep, his head resting gently upon a cool root.
When the man awoke, he found that he had aged significantly.
His hands were wrinkled, and his beard three feet long!
Indeed, he had a good night's sleep!

When the man arrived to town, he was flabbergasted.
As he looked around, he noticed that the townspeople had not aged a day.
All who were around him looked exactly as they did when he departed.
His friends were young and robust, while he was running from time.
"I am old," he said. "And my young heart cannot survive."
With that, the man quietly exited the town once more.
As he headed back up the hill to see his old friend, he thought to himself:

"My curiosity does not lie with the unknown happenings of my current crisis--
Rather, I wonder why time may beat my body though my heart remain steadfast."
With that, the man kindly greeted his old green friend and gently laid his hand upon the stalk.
Soon, he was asleep. This time forever,
And in his dreams his wild heart reigned freely.
His youthful glee shining endlessly throughout the ages.

A man of convictions, yet sometimes wrong, is much more trustworthy than he who sees to it that he is always right

Then all of a sudden I remember,
But do I recall--or is it a figment?
The horrors press forward, then lightning...
Then, oh , OH my god--that's a paloverde beetle!

--Oh, how I absolutely hate beetles!

I cannot stand the thought of insects, bugs, and the like
I have hated them so since I was a child
They are so gross and detestable
And they creep me out beyond belief
Oh, if my soul could be free from fear
Fear of those creepy crawlers that torment me
Bees are bad, spiders are worse
Roaches third, but scorpions shall be the end of me!

------

The sky remains of grey
Yet the raindrops do not fall
The anxiety of the coming storm
Cannot hold out forever

I cried tonight,
My heart cried too.
I shed many tears, and I wailed aloud.
Mr. Seven gave me no comfort.
I cried tonight, I cried hard.
I have not cried like this in a long time.
You know of the cause of my tears.
Why I cannot remember, I do not know.
I wish I could see back in time, to know the details.
But, alas I cannot. And only a miracle could reveal such things.
But would this truly be a miracle or a nightmare?
This I do not know.
I cried tonight. I cried so very hard.
I needed you. I have not felt so lonely in my entire life!
The fogginess of my past troubles me so.
So blurry, yet so clearly problematic.
I want to remember, but I do not.
What happened? Did I really forget?
I did. I have. That is why. That is why all of this---
I cried tonight.

This is now the time
That I commit myself fully
To the plan I have set out before me
A plan that will guide me toward health
A plan that will keep my spirits high
Should I stray from this plan, what be my resolve?
I will rise again, and take hold the reigns
For I shall not look back to the old way

------

You will find rest here, you weakened warrior
Here you will find that peace that lies within
Come rest your head here, you weakened warrior
This place of peace pervades the soul
Regain your strength here, you weakened warrior
For here you will heal and gain rest
My heart is healed this day!