I've Moved

This blog in its entirety can now be found at mymontecristo.wordpress.com

Thanks for reading

Embracing Me, Myself, and the Crazy

Mental stability still eludes me, though I have tried with many efforts to secure my psychological well being. Perhaps I must conform to the idea that my moderate insanity is acceptable, embracing a degree of madness with open arms. Rather than try to stave off the effects of continued ill thoughts toward myself, harnessing my feelings might produce a certain amount of profitability that could afford me monetary rewards for my strife. At the very least I will have attempted a fresh approach, rejecting traditional and wearisome techniques in favor for shamelessly seeking to benefit from my own misfortune. And why would I not pursue such a venture? After all, it is my hardship and I alone have the power to diminish it—yet I will not release myself from obsessive captivity, languishing endlessly in a pathetic sea of despair.

How to proceed in this scheme is a bit indefinable, as I quickly recognize the most obvious question: from what perspective is my story interesting? What characters drive the motivation for conflict and climax? How do I relate the various disjointed events and what will comprise the resolve? Simply pondering these concerns already has my head spinning and I am sufficiently bored with the impending task. Still my pen seems cathartic in a way, allowing me to rake my stick through the sands of the Zen stone garden, creating meaningless patterns that somehow calm my eruptive soul. If only one could flip a switch to turn on and off such passion and fervor, I would probably not be writing any of this. The exhausting deluge of depression I keep spewing is enough to drive even the sanest person to lunacy. My evidential weakness surfaces immediately when discussing any of this with friends, and their contempt for my ongoing choice to walk wounded is appropriate to say the least.

Back to the story. For some cursed reason, I am unable (or unwilling) to let things go. When I am slighted or treated unfairly, it is almost impossible for me to shed my concern for what others think. Lovers, who once held complete attention of my heart, have an especially stinging, long lasting impact on my self esteem, hope in the future and general ability to move on with my life. Everything presented here so far has happened to millions of others; I am far from unique in my perceived plight. Yet I am constantly taken by emotional surprise, illuminating my curiously infinite naivety. Why are some people able to forget others in an instant? How can one so easily forget his experiences with another? Are people really capable of being so cruel? These questions and more cloud the corners of my mind, identifying my own ignorance in light of present and historical social reality. What I casually and quite incorrectly classify as a dignified utopianism is actually nothing more than voluntary stupidity.

I endeavor to avoid being too harsh on myself, but there are simply too many faults to ignore. Though my defects have not induced within me a devious or unlawful nature, my persistent acquiescence to my belief in the universal human connection has recurrently blocked my path on the journey of life. Thinking that all beings desire to establish and preserve a healthy connection with others, I foolishly entangle myself in relationships that will yield only heartache. Though I have never preferred logic when exploring my associations, perhaps Wilde was correct in suggesting that a modest amount of science would greatly improve the chances for relationship success. Disregarding tell tale signs during a blossoming liaison of any sort is most harmful, and in my experience almost always ends in calamity. Reluctantly, I admit the difficulty in heeding my own wisdom, as I much favor the unpredictably ruinous possibilities of such folly. When answering why this is so, one must immediately abandon reason and, yet again, swim in the sea of chaos.

Refusing to let go of love lost has inhibited my efforts to become a whole, healthy single person. Always hoping for companionship, I have never allowed myself to be comfortable existing independently. I have spent a lifetime trying to surround myself with others, even at the expense of being among bad company. As a child I remember relentlessly searching for friendship, hoping to quell my needs of affection and external validation. Until recently, I have never lived alone in my adult life, always replacing lost roommates with others, securing the bedrooms of my home with living, breathing persons to make me feel secure. It is safe to say that I still possess this mission, yearning for others to be significant and present parts of my life. Failed love, then, is the pebble I cannot pluck from my shoe. As gruesome as it sounds, coping with the passing of a loved one has proven easier than dealing with my internal dilemma. Surely accepting the reality of my codependent tendencies has been somewhat humiliating, but identifying the heart of this behavior is a necessary venture.

~ ~ ~

Profiting from this jar of jumbled thoughts is now a distant memory, as recent travels to the Northeast have once again altered my perspective. Upon arriving home, people immediately noted my apparent “refreshed” appearance, citing a certain “glow” about me. Skeptical at first about the physical evidence of my rejuvenation, I began to realize that something within me had indeed changed—a turning point that occurred thousands of miles from home. Being away from regular life allowed me see the world in a new light, glimpsing the people around me with fresh eyes, free from the deep skepticism that had slowly enveloped me over the past few months. Not to say that I was instantly cured of all torment, but there was an unmistakable change in my attitude, liberating me to think positively and clearly about the future. Visiting New York has frequently coincided with major events in my life, but this latest holiday forced me to be myself, by myself, and get up and go. Walking among millions of businessmen, tradesmen, merchants, teachers, students, immigrants, and artists showed me that everyday people deal with everyday problems one step at a time, moving one foot forward then the next. Stepping onto the subway, the masses move great distances to meet the needs of others, securing their own well being while serving a greater purpose in the community... Waxing nostalgic about the ebb and flow of the great city is not my purpose here; that enterprise will be saved for another entry.

For the first time in memory, I can honestly say that I am comfortable with who I am, a single man. There are many roads before me, and many good things to come. Though hard times will still ensue, the power of knowing my own self worth is more than enough to move forward, pressing on to be something greater. Friendships and relationships are still very important, but they will not rule my life, dictating whether I am up or down. Part of being human is espousing healthy associations with other people, and gradually I am learning how to balance emotional attachment when establishing and maintaining relationships. A work in progress, I now have hope that I can function as a healthy individual, continually aiming to better myself while reaching out to countless others whom I am grateful to have in my life.

Connection (an attempt)

I began this piece the other day but never finished. My mind was cloudy and I could not quite form what I was trying to say. I have decided to abandon the approach, but have nevertheless posted it in case I get a response that inspires me to pick it up again...

Human intuition drives us to connect with other beings, moments and sensations, triggering the realization that our existence is not solitary. It is this powerful realization that continually motivates us to move beyond our limitations, seeking comfort in knowing that we create ripples; our actions produce inarguable outcomes that prove our perceptibleness. Sinking softly in cool water, feeling the tiniest bubbles tickle your face as they seek their higher destination. Nature interacts with your body in this blissful moment, imparting a heightened sense of awareness. Connection happens, and the moment passes, but the effects are forever imprinted on your being.

Recently I have developed a somewhat cruel addiction to ascending the peak of a mountain at a pace that intimidates even me. What began as an adventurous respite from business became a routine discipline that has enveloped any former wonder for the natural environment. Rock trails became a staircase and the surrounding scenery turned into background noise. Other hikers, then, transformed into curious passersby, not dissimilar to tumbleweeds brushing across my path. Life offered me a wondrous chance to connect with a most visceral ambiance but somehow my eyes glazed into fogginess, rejecting the world in favor of meaningless ritual. Ignoring countless opportunities to interact amidst such a beautiful setting, I now seek the very possibilities I have squandered.

Every day we are placed in situations that afford us the chance to be a part of something other than ourselves. Our commitment to reaching out defines the probabilities of the results. Society seems to constantly reinforce that we must take care of ourselves and indulge our own needs and desires in order to live happy lives. While this notion might lead one to become more outwardly healthy, it discards the efficacy of a deeper, more spiritual health. Religion aside, this spirituality involves allowing oneself to be a part of a greater community, to bask in loving arms of nature and to experience the emotions of special times.

Human Care

Amidst several days of conversational topics such as healthcare, human rights, environmental responsibility and financial stability, it is easy to see that one common theme surrounds each of the concerns. Love is that which ties them together. Love is required to put each into practice. People tend to cling to one issue over others, but they fail to see that a common love of life itself is necessary in order to maintain balanced objectivity when considering a particular issue--thereby creating a natural conduit in which to perpetuate the plight of a certain cause. Put simply, if all people embraced a true love of life, all peoples would embrace a mission to achieve a common purpose.

Similar to the above societal strife, the relationship between two lovers presents a dichotomy as to what is considered love. Take a person who finds herself loving her partner with an unconditional love that is not returned in the manner she had expected. Confused and hurt, an attempt to express her emotions is met with an even colder indifference that only compounds the situation. Although sometimes this scenario plainly reveals a severely emotionally mismatched couple, it is more likely that they simply do not understand how to love each other. Partners who have learned how to love each other comprehend that listening, acknowledging, humility and sacrifice are essential to providing a symmetry of mutual care.

Avoiding the pitfall of taking a political position, it is safe to say that love could really solve many of the issues on both sides of the fence. Long have people abandoned coming together to find commonality in favor of polarizing their stances. Perhaps if this message of love could touch their hearts and minds, those divided by such chasms might see that they are not so different. Dreaming of this world may seem naively utopian, especially considering the fiercely real caveats of present day contentions; however, although technology and fashion have changed, there is nothing new under the sun and it would be diminishing to assume that mankind could not overcome his pride, welcoming unconditional love.

For You

These words came to me for my dear friend whose eyes are forever searching for the future with such hope and certainty, yet cloud illusions often get in the way...

Dear one, your heart is bigger than most, and your life reminds the rest of us that we are indeed alive. Your hope is infectious and your sincerity is breathtaking. These are your strengths, and combined they form the strongest love possible--that which you may not realize but is nevertheless ever present. You have know for a long time that your life is a moving jazz piece, accompanied by a full orchestra. Sometimes you want to close the score, averting your eyes from the score because parts of the composition are so emotionally wrecking. Though understandable and quite reasonable, you the conductor must finish the work, as those around you cannot play their part without your vulnerable guiding hand.

Words cannot describe the affection I feel for you. Your soul has touched mine, saved mine from depths so dark I could not even see my thoughts. That is a gift that goes beyond what anyone else can offer, and you alone graciously offered it freely and lovingly. Giving is comfortable for you, and in the same way you must let others give to you. Many are not suited to such an opportunity, as they have proven time and again that their ways are blinded by selfishness and stupidity. Do not be forever troubled by this, for it is but a glimpse of the possibilities ahead. This world is big and great hearts are found daily by those who seek them. You have great heart my friend, and you will reach great heights in all you do. Mostly, you will be loved.

Finally, please do not allow yourself to be spoiled by the sourness of bad experiences and lousy people, for your simple genuine spirit outshines all such nonsense. Instead, be encouraged that one day these steps in training will be lifted and you will come into your own--you will come alive like a great wind upon the sea. Trust in friendship, dear one, allowing yourself to be nourished through the greatest fellowship man has to offer. Know that your growth occurs alongside another's, that we are in this together until the end. My desire is for you to be joyful, realizing the beauty that surrounds you and emanates from your being. Hold yourself in high regard, for you are a rock to many and your strength and compassion uplift us all. Cling to hope as you always have, and the path will eventually lead you home.

Forever affectionately yours,

Jack

When the Rain Comes

Having composed such heavy material for the past several posts, I thought it was time to present a lighter fare for awhile. So let’s talk about the weather. What a comfortable topic, especially because it can diffuse almost any awkward social situation. In this instance, I am thinking about the rain that has graced the desert over the past few days. For many the drippy weather was the source of inconvenience and in some cases it thwarted plans. I however am always drawn into dreamy landscapes once the skies begin to swell. Held captive to childlike imagination, my heart soars amidst the dramatic display of darkening clouds and ensuing rainfall.

As scenes from Jurassic Park and Lord of the Rings come flooding in, my ridiculous obsession with turning rain into romance becomes increasingly evident. I think about taking a drive into the misty mountains or ascending a peak rising from a dark green forest. At the same time my couch beckons and I am tempted to spend a day reading an adventure while listening to Enya. These thoughts and feelings are as tangible to the senses as the smell of rain. The brief respite of sunlight creates warmness in my soul, an inspiration that exceeds all others. Swept away into cool bliss, I soak up songs sung by the forces of nature colliding to ignite their heavenly exchanges.

Writing about my youthful affinity for something as simplistic as grey skies and precipitation reminds me that I am not above appearing somewhat cloying. Being overly sentimental is the story of my life, and I see no change in my future in that regard (this is where I would insert one of those cheesy smiley punctuations made from a colon and a parenthesis). It is life’s simplicities though, that tend to elicit such incredible excitement, reminding us of what it means to be alive and take in our surroundings. So when the rain comes, it is likely that I will be dreaming off into the distance somewhere with my “head in the clouds,” brooding in the spiritual retreat that reminds me I am alive.

When I Grow Up, I Don't Want to Be an Idiot

The heart is a tricky thing. I wonder what it was that originally caused mankind to associate love and emotion with a bodily organ that simply moves blood. Perhaps it was the life force mentality that ultimately led man to believe that his heart was the center of his feelings while the brain reasoned in logic. Unfortunately, the reality is much less romantic and in order to love one must successfully break the wild stallion that is his mind and bridle his feelings to move him in a healthy and positive direction.

My personal embarrassment is that I let myself fall for someone whose maturity level is that of a petulant child. Repeatedly stomping on my feelings and breaking my heart, he seems to show no semblance of concern for my dignity. Curiously, I am perpetually surprised by his actions or lack thereof, yet I know he is incapable of communicating with me. Frustrated for too long with his juvenile antics, I have to move on and stop caring about someone who could give a shit about me. It hurts and my disposition is one that can’t help but care—BUT, it is over and I need to get over it.

Part of moving on requires a reorganization of one’s life. In my situation, it means that I can’t go on looking for love in all the wrong places. Shopping for projects that need fixing is a bad habit, and I deserve a whole hell of a lot more. The source of my intrinsic lack of self respect remains a mystery, but I know how to change my actions. Life is too short to acquiesce to a miserable existence simply to be in the company of another. I want love. I want the love of another. I want commitment and lifelong partnership. So I must look upward to find my match. Instead of plucking from the mediocre, I want someone who aspires to live! Someone thoughtful, kind, understanding, caring, charming, doting, and above all, loving. In the same way he must have a sense of humor, be strong and smart and persevering. Those are the qualities I desire, and one who possesses even a few of them is more suitable than my recently ended relationship.

So I move forward. For real this time, I promise. Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself (as I’m thinking that I keep writing about this and discussing my frustrations with friends). But I have to keep saying it, believing it, and one day perhaps I’ll be living it without effort. For now I can cling to my anger as a crutch, hold my frustration as a constant reminder of why I need to make better decisions. Tomorrow, though, I hope my motivation for treating myself better will come from self respect.

Endings and Beginnings

Last week my life came to a screeching halt--my relationship ended almost as swiftly as it began. When the hammer came crashing down, I took to strength at first, confident in the knowledge that better days would come. Four days into my new reality, I descended quickly to the dark places of hopelessness and depression. Why I felt the pangs of failure almost a week later I do not know, but my mind became swollen with millions of thoughts and emotions and my physical state rendered powerless. Since then, taking a step requires the greatest of effort, and aftershocks of a broken heart still linger.

Lightheaded and swirly, my mind languished in the fears brought on by loneliness and feelings of desertion. As I paced my newly empty home, I loathed the notion of ever returning to bed, and the insomnia set in. Along with the ability to sleep my appetite diminished. Slowly I consumed less and less until I could not remember having anything to eat in a day. Pills and libations failed on all accounts to quell the raging storm within me. In fact it is safe to say that my experience was multiplied tenfold by these factors, and regaining perfect sobriety became the highest priority. Lost to the hell of my emotions and fearsome intensity, I flailed about until I was left lifelessly numb.

As all storms do, eventually the torrents ceased and sun broke through the thick black clouds of despair. Realizing that I gained from my love lost, I slowly began applying myself to normal daily routines--even adding a few that had been neglected for months. Perceiving the loss an opportunity has not fully come to fruition as of yet, but most assuredly I have endeavored to begin the healing process and mend my heart. Thinking of what I want in life and what I want to make of myself, I have begun pondering what I want in a future partner, purposing to wait patiently for the right match and avoiding the pitfalls of futilely attempting to make an apple out of an orange.

Love is truly a journey that is often not perfected the first time on the path. Life always moves on and no matter how bad it seems, time will make everything better. Though this truth still lies just out of my grasp, hope in its coming will carry me through. My love is intense and has always been so; my honesty and openness can be daunting but rather than try to change myself I will wait for the one who appreciates those qualities. Love will return to me one day, and when it does I will be ready for it.

Future Americana

Often I dream of what this country could become, loving her potential and loathing her possible decline. When faced with the many problems and concerns that surround Americans today, it is easy to despair and resign oneself to the inevitable reality of coming events. There is another approach, however, in putting faith in a system that has proved itself worthy time and again, continually outshining the tired ways of the old world. More than two hundred years ago, men of different religions, backgrounds and political persuasions sat down to discuss the viability of a unified nation, one that would serve to benefit their descendents. Not for glory or to make a name, these founding fathers simply wished to induce a way of life that would literally benefit all.

It is known that these men were not in full agreement, as some had to sit out of the final vote for independence in order to preserve the untainted historical record of a unanimous vote to seperate from England. Still, the fact that the dissidents desired the good of the many versus the one shows a certain nobleness and honor in working through disagreement. History also reveals that the sin of slavery could not be erased from America before she began, though the opposition fought hard to write it out of existence. Even this horrible thing, which the founding fathers said would later divide the nation unto war, did not stop agreement from moving forward.

Many years and countless tears were spent in trying to bring equality to all peoples of America, and the work continues to this day. The future of this country poses endless possibilities, presenting a nation that might endeavor to enact true freedom and equality across the diverse spectrum of humanity. It is not difficult to imagine a state that offers the benefits of marriage to all who choose to partake. In the same way it is not impossible to envisage protecting the life of all humans, regardless of intelligence, physical development, or the circumstances of their conception. Pointed rhetoric has seemingly ended the possibility of opposing sides working together to come to reasonable agreements that might strengthen all. Remembrance, though, of our ancestors before us, inspires the high road--the path that transcends egos and puts first the dignity and respect of all mankind. These things are possible, and time has afforded this nation much opportunity for continued growth, a deeper sense of meaning and purpose, and the ability to love.