with regard to all that i have said,
i will stand my ground
i will not back down
my thesis remains ever proven, and i regret nothing
what a glorious night,
a wine filled night, with friends and, well, others
interesting suitably describes new acquaintances
and irresistible are those who have been around
yet at the end of the night
i still find myself hung up on the one
who still holds my heart hostage;
though it is not out of cruelty but of fear
oh the day when i shall be numb to fatal attraction
how i glory in the hope that i will turn out normal
i can taste the freedom of my soul
and it is only a devil's contract away
2/18/2007
2/16/2007
2/08/2007
today it happened. i woke up feeling productive, though still a bit under the weather. i worked out, readied myself for what was sure to be a busy day and proceeded out the door. after catching some much needed rays, i visited a possible abode, bought it, and then checked out some places to rent for the church. i had some success there, especially in sunnyslope. then of course i prepared for sunday, rehearsed the choir and then finally journeyed home. it was indeed a productive day, and for the first time in months i feel as though i accomplished something. oh, and i did not get in a car accident, day one.
2/06/2007
addendum to the previous post
i must add a point that i forgot to include in the original post. i mentioned that "the problem here is that the notion of his cure implies that one can be cured of sin or the temptation to sin..." that being said, i think that the lines of sexuality that the church has drawn are far from the reality of human existence. this is not some sorry attempt to justify behavior of any sort, nor is it a ploy to shift the church toward liberal thinking. there are plenty of bishops and priests doing that already--especially in the episcopal church. what i am trying to emphasize is that shock therapy, ice baths or even 'intense counseling' cannot change the hard wiring of a person, yet such services can influence and change his resulting actions.
for instance: an alcoholic joins a twelve step program because he has a problem with drinking. he completes the program successfully but what he does NOT say at the end is "i'm no longer an alcoholic." in fact, he is quick to notify others of his former alcoholism so that he can be accountable. he knows that it could only take one drop of gin to push him into drinking himself silly. so his orientation has not changed, but his actions have. do you get the picture?
many will disagree with me on this point. that is fine. we will disagree. i think it is dangerous to categorize a person's sexual identity as one would an addiction. what this does is encourage the idea of an unrealistic cure and when a person, especially a teenager, learns of the illusion, it can create a despair in him that life will not improve and that he will never be normal. perhaps this is why so many people with sexual issues are afraid to talk to people in their churches. they are afraid that they will be thrown into some program far and away from their loved ones, when in actuality they probably just needed to talk to some safe family members, pastors or friends to help through what has been discovered to be quite the common issue in churches these days.
i probably need to give this one a rest.
i must add a point that i forgot to include in the original post. i mentioned that "the problem here is that the notion of his cure implies that one can be cured of sin or the temptation to sin..." that being said, i think that the lines of sexuality that the church has drawn are far from the reality of human existence. this is not some sorry attempt to justify behavior of any sort, nor is it a ploy to shift the church toward liberal thinking. there are plenty of bishops and priests doing that already--especially in the episcopal church. what i am trying to emphasize is that shock therapy, ice baths or even 'intense counseling' cannot change the hard wiring of a person, yet such services can influence and change his resulting actions.
for instance: an alcoholic joins a twelve step program because he has a problem with drinking. he completes the program successfully but what he does NOT say at the end is "i'm no longer an alcoholic." in fact, he is quick to notify others of his former alcoholism so that he can be accountable. he knows that it could only take one drop of gin to push him into drinking himself silly. so his orientation has not changed, but his actions have. do you get the picture?
many will disagree with me on this point. that is fine. we will disagree. i think it is dangerous to categorize a person's sexual identity as one would an addiction. what this does is encourage the idea of an unrealistic cure and when a person, especially a teenager, learns of the illusion, it can create a despair in him that life will not improve and that he will never be normal. perhaps this is why so many people with sexual issues are afraid to talk to people in their churches. they are afraid that they will be thrown into some program far and away from their loved ones, when in actuality they probably just needed to talk to some safe family members, pastors or friends to help through what has been discovered to be quite the common issue in churches these days.
i probably need to give this one a rest.
http://www.denverpost.com/ci_5164921
i do not know how i feel about this. on one hand, i am happy for mr. haggard's alleged healing; but on the other hand i worry about the serious repercussions his most recent statements could have on others who deal with similar issues. i do not take issue with mr. haggard stating that he is not a homosexual, after his three week long intense counseling regime. i do, however, take issue with the implication that mr. haggard was cured of his sexual attraction to men. whether or not this is indeed true, we will never know because it is something that only he can ever truly know.
the problem here is that the notion of his cure implies that one can be cured of sin or the temptation to sin, which we know will never be the case. now certainly it is possible for one to experience healing in a major area of weakness in his life, for one can change his ways and choose not to bow to his own weakness. i believe that counseling can strengthen one's ability to 'fight' even his own desires. the temptation to sin, though, historically has remained with humanity since the initial fall of man. each of us suffers from a different sinful affliction, whether carnal or passive, and generally it is something that we deal with for our whole lives. though our actions might improve and our attitudes might change, we do not wake up one random morning having forgotten completely our problem with sin. we cannot flip a switch and proclaim that all of a sudden everything has changed internally. we know from years of psychological research that such a thought is immature at best.
i hope i do not send a message of pessimism here. that is not my intent. my worry is for that teenager somewhere who is watching all of this take place and thinking that there is a mysterious cure for his or her ailment at some expensive christian retreat in arizona. so, instead of bringing it up with the people around them (friends, family, church...), they will continue to hide in the shadows with their dark secret until their day comes when they are outed and an overseer board checks them into a cure-all facility for the sexually deranged. meanwhile, the youth pastor is still having extra-marital sex and a pastor on staff is addicted to pornography. do you see the problem here? as long as there are humans involved, there will be trouble. we are sinful beings and we need to help each other deal with our sin. in this day in age, it is more appropriate to confess and deal with your sins in a bar than it is to discuss them in church.
finally, i want to address one more issue. the article in the paper stated that mr. haggard and his wife were asked to move away from their home and all of their friends and church family. it was said that because of mr. haggard's 'high profile' it would be best if he did not pursue ministry and that he completed the healing process elsewhere. right away, i sense the obvious problems with this whole line of thinking. the church is sending him off to 'somewhere else' to heal so that it will not be uncomfortable for people. they don't want mr. haggard to be embarrassed and they don't want the church body being reminded of the issue. for a congregation that stresses family, the church does not seem to be acting like one. good families help each other. they don't send each other away when a non life threatening problem arises.
additionally, i find it disturbing that the involved parties are playing the 'high profile' card when they created the monster. that is, they put mr. haggard on a pedestal where he could not ever sin, for he was the face of the church. this whole mentality goes against everything in the new testament as it relates to church. we have created the mega church. we have created the mega pastor. so why then are we shocked by the mega scandal? people sin. pastors sin. we will all continue to sin. as paul dealt with his sin, we will have to deal with our own. we must be able to talk with each other about these things. we must not allow ourselves to be pushed into a position of perfection because the moment we do, we are existing outside of the family of the church.
in conclusion, i am grateful that mr. haggard has people around him who do care. the term 'restoration oversight board' is a bit presumptuous, but if they are helping mr. haggard, then i will pray for them. i greatly respect mr. haggard's wife and family as well, as they have shown loving support for him during this tumultuous time. i respect mr. haggard, personally, for facing up to all of this as a man, and for choosing to stay committed to his wife and family when he could have ran. i trust that providence will make good out of this ordeal, and i hope that the church especially examines itself and takes steps toward forming a more healthy, honest body of believers.
i do not know how i feel about this. on one hand, i am happy for mr. haggard's alleged healing; but on the other hand i worry about the serious repercussions his most recent statements could have on others who deal with similar issues. i do not take issue with mr. haggard stating that he is not a homosexual, after his three week long intense counseling regime. i do, however, take issue with the implication that mr. haggard was cured of his sexual attraction to men. whether or not this is indeed true, we will never know because it is something that only he can ever truly know.
the problem here is that the notion of his cure implies that one can be cured of sin or the temptation to sin, which we know will never be the case. now certainly it is possible for one to experience healing in a major area of weakness in his life, for one can change his ways and choose not to bow to his own weakness. i believe that counseling can strengthen one's ability to 'fight' even his own desires. the temptation to sin, though, historically has remained with humanity since the initial fall of man. each of us suffers from a different sinful affliction, whether carnal or passive, and generally it is something that we deal with for our whole lives. though our actions might improve and our attitudes might change, we do not wake up one random morning having forgotten completely our problem with sin. we cannot flip a switch and proclaim that all of a sudden everything has changed internally. we know from years of psychological research that such a thought is immature at best.
i hope i do not send a message of pessimism here. that is not my intent. my worry is for that teenager somewhere who is watching all of this take place and thinking that there is a mysterious cure for his or her ailment at some expensive christian retreat in arizona. so, instead of bringing it up with the people around them (friends, family, church...), they will continue to hide in the shadows with their dark secret until their day comes when they are outed and an overseer board checks them into a cure-all facility for the sexually deranged. meanwhile, the youth pastor is still having extra-marital sex and a pastor on staff is addicted to pornography. do you see the problem here? as long as there are humans involved, there will be trouble. we are sinful beings and we need to help each other deal with our sin. in this day in age, it is more appropriate to confess and deal with your sins in a bar than it is to discuss them in church.
finally, i want to address one more issue. the article in the paper stated that mr. haggard and his wife were asked to move away from their home and all of their friends and church family. it was said that because of mr. haggard's 'high profile' it would be best if he did not pursue ministry and that he completed the healing process elsewhere. right away, i sense the obvious problems with this whole line of thinking. the church is sending him off to 'somewhere else' to heal so that it will not be uncomfortable for people. they don't want mr. haggard to be embarrassed and they don't want the church body being reminded of the issue. for a congregation that stresses family, the church does not seem to be acting like one. good families help each other. they don't send each other away when a non life threatening problem arises.
additionally, i find it disturbing that the involved parties are playing the 'high profile' card when they created the monster. that is, they put mr. haggard on a pedestal where he could not ever sin, for he was the face of the church. this whole mentality goes against everything in the new testament as it relates to church. we have created the mega church. we have created the mega pastor. so why then are we shocked by the mega scandal? people sin. pastors sin. we will all continue to sin. as paul dealt with his sin, we will have to deal with our own. we must be able to talk with each other about these things. we must not allow ourselves to be pushed into a position of perfection because the moment we do, we are existing outside of the family of the church.
in conclusion, i am grateful that mr. haggard has people around him who do care. the term 'restoration oversight board' is a bit presumptuous, but if they are helping mr. haggard, then i will pray for them. i greatly respect mr. haggard's wife and family as well, as they have shown loving support for him during this tumultuous time. i respect mr. haggard, personally, for facing up to all of this as a man, and for choosing to stay committed to his wife and family when he could have ran. i trust that providence will make good out of this ordeal, and i hope that the church especially examines itself and takes steps toward forming a more healthy, honest body of believers.
2/05/2007
2/03/2007
the greatest thing in all the world
it is no wonder that i seem to constantly find myself in disbelief over the selfishness of others. this is not to say, however, that i am without guilt; rather, i know how easy it can be to put oneself before a brother or a friend. now scientific studies are revealing the true nature of humanity: love corrupted. from the very beginning, man spoiled his love simply for the possibility of his greater gain. he gave up his pure form for the chance to jump ahead, to create an appetite for that which he previously did not require. mankind could not know what he surrendered until it was gone, for the cost of his promotion was the realization of his former gift. true love lost.
from thence we saw one another, not as individual human beings with feelings, stories and souls, but rather as opportunities for our personal gain. we look each other in the eye, nodding in empty acknowledgement while pondering what we are going to say about ourselves just as soon as we can cut in on the conversation. we say 'i love you' and 'i love you too.' some of us mean it. some try to mean it. and others are so self indulged that they cannot know the difference. we pity our friend, for his plight is unfortunate. but we "have" to complete our own "to do" lists before we can pull over and give him a lift.
one of the best excuses for the lovelessness of humanity is the need for rest. how many times have i been told 'i must postpone our fellowship, for i am exhausted and i must arise early for work.' in reality the phrase should read 'i have booked my schedule to its fullest, leaving sleep as my only free time; and i have filled my life with all that is really important or beneficial to me, so spending time with you is a chore for which i have not the time.' an exaggeration? perhaps, but probably not. people seem to care for each other only when it is convenient or mandatory, and in either case repayment and reward is expected. genuine love is not convenient, as providence has proven. it requires sacrifice and putting second one's own desires.
i have lived in large city for two and a half decades. throughout the years i have seen many faces, old and new. i have grown up in a community where the greatest distance between two people is one half an hour in length. a metropolis that has forced us, the people into close proximity of one another. for once, convenience is on our side, yet i watch in dismay as we grow further apart. we live in a world where it is more acceptable to cancel our plans with a friend than it is to be late to work. therefore we put ourselves first, our finances first, our food first when we should be more concerned with feeding others.
my frustration regarding this matter continues to grow. i try to tame it but time and again people outdo themselves, acting in such a way that i could never consider for fear of losing a friend. what is unthinkable to some is easy for others. gradually, the sincerity of the caring will outshine the hollowness of the loveless as my patience with narcissism dwindles. i suppose that friendships, relationships, and brotherhoods will continue to morph with the ever changing attitudes of humankind. i only hope that the day does not arrive when these words are considered a part of the dead language.
from thence we saw one another, not as individual human beings with feelings, stories and souls, but rather as opportunities for our personal gain. we look each other in the eye, nodding in empty acknowledgement while pondering what we are going to say about ourselves just as soon as we can cut in on the conversation. we say 'i love you' and 'i love you too.' some of us mean it. some try to mean it. and others are so self indulged that they cannot know the difference. we pity our friend, for his plight is unfortunate. but we "have" to complete our own "to do" lists before we can pull over and give him a lift.
one of the best excuses for the lovelessness of humanity is the need for rest. how many times have i been told 'i must postpone our fellowship, for i am exhausted and i must arise early for work.' in reality the phrase should read 'i have booked my schedule to its fullest, leaving sleep as my only free time; and i have filled my life with all that is really important or beneficial to me, so spending time with you is a chore for which i have not the time.' an exaggeration? perhaps, but probably not. people seem to care for each other only when it is convenient or mandatory, and in either case repayment and reward is expected. genuine love is not convenient, as providence has proven. it requires sacrifice and putting second one's own desires.
i have lived in large city for two and a half decades. throughout the years i have seen many faces, old and new. i have grown up in a community where the greatest distance between two people is one half an hour in length. a metropolis that has forced us, the people into close proximity of one another. for once, convenience is on our side, yet i watch in dismay as we grow further apart. we live in a world where it is more acceptable to cancel our plans with a friend than it is to be late to work. therefore we put ourselves first, our finances first, our food first when we should be more concerned with feeding others.
my frustration regarding this matter continues to grow. i try to tame it but time and again people outdo themselves, acting in such a way that i could never consider for fear of losing a friend. what is unthinkable to some is easy for others. gradually, the sincerity of the caring will outshine the hollowness of the loveless as my patience with narcissism dwindles. i suppose that friendships, relationships, and brotherhoods will continue to morph with the ever changing attitudes of humankind. i only hope that the day does not arrive when these words are considered a part of the dead language.
2/01/2007
as i exited the cigar lounge, i noticed that the streets were empty. the people seemed to have all disappeared. then i noticed the most peculiar thing. figures, bodies, poised and serene stood in the windows of the shops lining the avenue. they looked real enough, but i had to be sure. i drew nearer only to discover the certainty of their humanness. no person was alike. each had his own look about him, his own aura, his own attitude. i continued down the street, looking for my match, my compatible companion, and the people never returned from their glass cages...
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