I love my family very much. I would sacrifice myself for any of them without a second thought on any given day. Each and every member is important to me. They are all a part of something so big and so great that the magnitude of their inclusion perhaps escapes them. Even so, their inclusion and loveliness is not diminished; they are fully loved and fully accepted, regardless of their outward faults. I fully support them in every facet of their complicated lives; and I refrain from discussing their situations with others, especially those who are family.
I know my family loves me very much. I know that those concerned for me are very upset at this time. They feel that I am not thinking rationally and that I need to seek special counsel to resolve issues that are horrifying and scary to them. What is difficult for them to grasp, however, is that none of the current happenings are anything new. Anyone who feigns being shocked by recent events is in great denial. Never have I hid who I am or who I have always been from anyone--and those who know me can attest to such a claim.
The saddest part of this endurance for me is realizing that members of my own family are proving to be no different from the stereotypical religious right that has garnered such a bad reputation among the world. Rather than discuss an issue with me, they feel it necessary to explore an issue which they know nothing about among themselves, arriving at an an agreeable solution that will satisfy their qualms. I cannot stress the outrageousness of this behavior. It is immature and unchristian. They are blinded by their own religiosity.
My frustrations being stated, I will not condemn my family. I love them and will let them come to terms with me on their own time. I knew this day was coming for a long while, and to pretend that I am shocked by anything that has occurred would be a display of utter sophistry. I understand that personal belief systems, nourished over the years, will override my situation in every circumstance. Still I am saddened by the fact that my own kin find it easier to avoid me and self medicate rather than to talk with me. Under no circumstance would I afford them such a terror.
Christian piety is a phrase which needs to be more fully examined by all parties involved in this situation. I will not point a finger, as my own faults have stacked up against me during my lifetime. Recent events do not require blame; rather, they require unconditional love and unfortunately only certain parties are showing such love. Not surprisingly, those who are traditionally targeted in not living up to Christian standards are the only ones who are actually showing Christian love. Those who linger in the shadow of secrecy cannot know honesty because they refuse to conduct open conversation. These things, among others, will not be easily forgotten.
Even now a rift forms among a fellowship. Fickleness and desertion are now prominent where once strength resided. Justification has never been argued from my standpoint, yet correction and judgement of error is easily passed down from dissidents. Random biblical miscellany is thrown about, attempting to dissuade a child from his wrongdoing; unfortunately an adult is on the receiving end, well capable of recognizing such inanity, tossing aside predictable interpretations. And the standing defense, the rock upon which the family is founded, is attacked from all sides. Complaints and petitions, demanding action, love by discipline, and other “biblical” callings are leveled against the one who stands firm in the faith, the one who stands firm in love.
This issue does not revolve around right and wrong. In fact, it is so much withdrawn from such ethical issues that it would be impossible for one to tie them together at this point. We as a family are not presented with an ethical dilemma; rather we are presented with an opportunity to exemplify Christian love. What remains to be seen is whether or not the members of this family will read past their traditional Christianese and realize their familial obligations. Perhaps this will not happen. Perhaps communication will cease to be recovered among the family for an undefinable period of time. That is alright. There is no harm in space and quietness.
All I can say is that I love my family. They must know this, as I have always put them first in my life. I would not actively put them through what they must now endure if I could spare them from such an affair. With assurance I promise that the pain which they must know incur is much more bearable than the alternative solution of great sadness. For years such a travesty has plagued my mind and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my choice is far better than the miserable terminus of life. I have visited the edge of this danger, and I prefer to avoid such a pitfall in the future.
Resentment should in no way be extracted from my comments here. A prose, however, is meant to give light to my innermost being. My soul is exposed with humble honesty and courage. It is presumable that those who disagree with me will surely inquire about my faith. Ironically, my faith has never changed nor shall it for as long as I live. Inquirers, though, will put forth the classic and outdated question of renouncing Christ and denying Christian faith. Immature as this may be, I will choose to look past the hypercritical commentary which echoes underneath my footsteps. My spirit and my love for others will not be bludgeoned by biblically cloaked missteps.
It is acknowledgeable that my tone can seem quite rebellious at times throughout this posting. But in my defense I am fighting a fight which is taking place primarily behind my back. Those who prescribe the cure all for my situation cannot even initiate conversation with me personally. I extend to them a certain amount of understanding, but I limit myself at the point of becoming injured by said actions. I do not wish to epitomize a stereotype or show disdain for that which influenced my raising; simply put I desire that members of my family would put their feelings aside for one moment and realize that I have been myself for twenty-six years. Now is not the time to take issue with my inherent personality.
I tire of spending so much time on one insignificant little issue that has no salvific implications. People are suffering. People are dying. There are real issues to worry about and this is not one of them. Over time I am confident that these principles will be fully realized by involved parties. Until then all I can do is glory in the love which I have always possessed for my family while trying to maintain loving and stable relationships with each and every one of them.
