out with the old, in with the new. like a flood of rushing water the sunrise of the new year awaits. surpassing all possibility of remaining implacable, waxing nostalgic, the hereafter comes with a mighty sword, thrashing its way through all stubborn stragglers. i am already moving; i set sail long ago so as not to be taken by surprise. others will look on saying i have abandoned them but if they look closely they will see that my place was in danger from the power of the surge and theirs was safeguarded high atop a towering cliff. that they might come to see this is a dream of mine, yet it in itself is not to be real. perhaps one day their ship will be forced to set sail and i will greet them on the vast sea which now divides us. and we shall reminisce for auld lang syne. 

i found the source of the creepos. i had to kill it, and it hurt me to do so. i love green plants and when they wither a piece of my soul dies also. but the pest is gone and i am thankful. 

"As concerning my friends and kinsfolk," quoth he, "[I am not concerned] greatly for them. For I think i have sufficiently done my part towards them already. For these things that other men do not depart from until they be old and sick, yea, which they be then very loath to leave when they can no longer keep, those very same things did I, being not only [vigorous] and in good health but also in the flower of my youth, divide among my friends and kinsfolk. Which I think with this my liberality ought to hold them contented, and not to require nor to look that besides this I should for their sakes give myself in bondage unto kings."

-Utopia, Book I

in the bleak midwinter, we wait for glad tidings of christmas to bring us joy. in a season of cheer the heart longs for love and the spirit seeks peace in the winter solstice. another year has gone and a new dawn approaches. the new solar revolution will bring times of great change. i desire not to lose myself. i hope to love and be loved. i will bring success to myself and others. i will embrace with confidence the path revealed before me and i will endure to new heights.

i met impossible fate tonight, and again i was turned down.

i am not surprised, i will not falter; yet i am still sad.

still i will tarry; still i will endure;

and eventually i will find my respite; i know it.

i want to go to neverland. where endless beauty abounds. evergreen forests span the horizon. flashes of blood orange and mango yellow peel across the sky, piercing through the clouds on the sea. a ship rests gently in a cove. mermaids sunbathe on the warm rocks. the redskins hum soft melodies singing sweetly to the tune of dusk. time never catches up here. it is always behind.

the morning does not bring age, but rather a gang of hungry children pouring down a hill to pick fresh strawberries, blueberries, apple berries, bananas and kiwis to decorate their breakfast. they hasten only the delight of their stomachs, as a seemingly endless day lies in wait. enter the pan. the boy named peter descends upon his kingdom in a wave of glory as the realm of the fairies greets him magically. he does not worry; he does not fret. for here tears cannot exist. the very water to supply them is turned into fairy dust. though the young prince will lead his pack into battle with the pirates, he knows that good will win in this place. all will be well in the land of everlasting youth.

yes this is neverland. that place where i was meant to be. i must find my way. i must believe. i will think happy thoughts and gain my wings. i will take flight past the second star to the right and straight on till morning. there i will find the land of wonder. the dawn of enchantment. i shall touch down there, never to return.

i feel nothing. numbness is enjoyable to the extent that one does not feel pain, but it is not a lovable companion. drugs can only affect a mood; they cannot erase it.

http://www.washingtontimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071219/COMMENTARY/10575140

i feel sorry, no sad for those who still debase themselves by being a part of the religion of disinformation that is global warming. how many astrophysicists, geophysicists, scientists and doctors is it going to take to convince the fanatics that their blind faith in such a purposefully misinformed notion is but a "fire in their belly" that amounts to nothing more than acid stomach. the facts are there for people to read yet the response to the confrontation of reason is often a childish fit usually consisting of such statements as "i haven't read it but i don't need to. i know it's true. everyone says it is. everyone. i promise." i should be able to rest my case after presenting that outrageous evidence.

not only is global warming a religion, but it is a bad religion! that is to say it has no benefit to you. sure it promises of good times and peace for your great grandchildrens' great grandchildren, but that is not very encouraging. you get nothing when you die! no heaven, no hell; just the simple relaxation gained from knowing the polar bears back on earth are not dead. i wouldn't go to church for that religion, and i definitely won't use less toilet paper either. at some point, humanity will re-embrace logic (i hope) and come to its senses when regarding such matters. we cannot cure the common cold but we seem to have the audacity to believe we can change the earth's lifespan by lighting one less candle for hanukkah.

saying goodbye to people is very difficult. it does not get any easier, even when you know you will be parting soon. the heart aches and the spirit cries for more time, but providence is the sole proprietor of time and he does as he sees fit. only can we hope for peace when we take our leave. peace that will comfort us through lonely steps...

the irony of death is its bittersweet array of emotions. what can be such a relief to some is but an act of torture to others. in one way the dark shadow is the new found rest of troublesome life; alternatively, the crisp coldness of lifelessness is very source of great pain. if it comes quickly it can be devastating, leaving loved ones desiring more time. if it drags on slowly it cannot come quick enough. such matters are irksome to say the least...

last night i met the future. it was incredible but it ended quite sadly as i could not hold on to it when it escaped.

with the new year just around the corner, and the ever nearer twenty-sixth marker of death, i have been thinking about several goals to set for the coming solar revolution. i have made up my mind on several things, including but not limited to the following: i shall not give up tanning, smoking the pipe or any other such a vice such as the drink. these curiosities divert the mind and are yet a wondrous joy to be a part of my life.

with regard to the aforementioned matters, i already have what i consider to be several healthy habits. these of course include but are not limited to the following: christianity, community fellowship, fitness, a vegan diet, organic choices in food and beauty products, spacial organization, cleanliness, reading, writing, speaking, politics, music, art and culture. all of this, and i still find the need to resolve.

what could i possibly come up with this year that would even affect me in the slightest? i could think of a few ideas; however, such notions would almost certainly lead me to instantaneous instability thereby sending me spiraling into a pitfall of destruction. augustine himself noted the danger in thinking. it only ends in tears one way or another. so how does one settle this dilemma? i possess not a solid answer.

what i can say is this: events of change are on the horizon. set into motion and unstoppable, the proceedings to come were put into place by providence and the flame has already touched the wick. new days, new faces, old faces that have changed. these and more will grace the approaching times. i wonder how my face will change... i wonder if age will weigh on me... where will i turn?

good morning baltimore!

there is nothing like a little hairspray to brighten up your day! the cultural bliss into which one descends in this movie is life altering; it inspires. one is quickly whisked away from loneliness into a world of camaraderie and youthful joy. optimism is at a prime in this adventure and one's heart is quickened to the tune of a jubilant soul.

ode to scottsdale

oh scottsdale, how i loathe thee more than ever

from the moment one first tastes the ilk, he gags

the air thick with austere anonymity, he is alone

puke to the right and drunk girl to the left

a tragic scene no doubt, and all players are doomed

enter the douche, six feet tall and infinitely stupid

his male pattern clearly showing his age

he attempts to start a fight with an immature dig

only to be greeted with the more becoming sound of silence

he puts his four inch tail between his legs and cowers

oh scottsdale, how elated i am to learn that i still detest you

you never change and i clearly will not submit to your sea of filth

the next two years of my life seem to have been planned out for me. i cannot say that time will progress exactly as my premonition suggests, but i am confident that the newest developments shall lead to a certain end result--possibly yielding some varying factors. as i prepare to take this plunge i know i will get wet. as i submerge myself into the deep i know the pressure in my ears will increase. i know these things yet i will embark on such an aquatic adventure...

there are two areas of life in which i extremely loathe change: occupation and place of living. when either of these changes i get cranky and unreasonable, not dissimilar to a whiny child. since my home is stable at this point in time it is the occupational change which bites at me presently. ironically, the shift in occupation ends up affecting the home in a great and powerful way, thereby nullifying the previous sentence. apparently i am on the two year plan for places of employment. but that is not surprising given my undisguised compulsion to stir up the pond. this of course is all to say that though i detest chaos, i frequently throw myself into a whirlwind of chaotic possibilities. so i am a masochist.

halleglorylujah!

i'm back. and not even a computer geek with a chinese passport could subvert me from my lair. the ass has been smitten and i have resumed my electronic life. after seven days and six nights (which sounds like a sequel even more mundane than the original) of utter hell, the hats at google decided that there was something suspicious about me changing my language to mandarin and getting from the united states to asia in three hours. needless to say i am safely returned to my life of records, as it were, and my identity is safely back in my pocket. i feel like peter pan having spent a week chasing around my own shadow that somehow got away from me, the bastard.

so much has happened since the travesty began. i don't even know where to begin. hurricane projections were overestimated (again) this year. hmmm, i'll bet federal aid requests remained the same...

in other news a brit was arrested by the sudanese government for insulting islam. after foolishly naming a teddy bear "mohamed," proponents of the peaceful religion apparently found it prudent to indict the teacher, deciding whether or not to give her the lashes which are standard procedure for women especially. mercifully, the powers that be thought it sufficient to only imprison the fifty-four year old in an overcrowded facility infested with mosquitoes for a mere fifteen days. that's two weeks for those of you in orange county. how did the brits respond? with many "huffs" and "well i never"s. the powerless poodles drooled about while their own rotted away in the hands of the insane. how did the woman's family respond? "our main concern is that people will look poorly on islam for this." well, i'll be damned if i don't disdain the disaster of a religion for its own hypocrisy and lies. in conclusion, this is yet another case of the schoolyard bully pushing down a kid, the teacher and parents telling the kid to stand up and then bend over for the bully, and the kid actually listening to their lunacy. the end.

oh, and by the way, i now have health insurance... for the cost of a healthy tan in the winter one can enable a doctor to prod for irregular tension in the nether regions...

that little turd
and no i'm not talking about rove (turd blossom)
rather, that petulant child mclellan
who does he think he is?

clearly, he cannot find work since he must pander to the ny times to get some cash
he will deal his dope and the insufferable dregs of society will smoke it all up

whatever. he'll get what's his.

i'm in a bad mood because of medical stuff. pffh.

school is on the mind. i am pursuing my dreams in no particular order and no one's ill fated attemp at dampening my goals will succeed. i am too strong, too smart to succumb to the rantings of such a petulant child. i will master in the art of counsiling, psychology with the intent of eventually treating individuals and my own cash flow. i have begun the process, the wheel is moving and there is no stopping it now.

several of the persons with whom i converse regularly are in fact crazy, a notion which i have recently deemed to be true. clinically speaking, they would probably not qualify in being committed to an institution but only because their rabid conniving minds could think of a lie ludicrous enough to seem reasonable to others. i have tried to part with such individuals yet they seem to stick to the bottom of my shoe like an annoying piece of gum. i do not want to seem insensitive, but the lunacy has reached its pinnacle, driving perturbation into every corner of my life. it must end. i will end it.

i am extremely irritated to know that there are those individuals who use the term "we" when they clearly mean you. furthermore, it is even more agitating they say it in the context of trying to get you to do something. in other words, shut the hell up.

the exquisitness of a life experience is only tantamount to that which constantly abrades the mind. in other words, beauty is equal only to pain; love only to hate. all emotion and feeling are wrapped up into a bungled conglomeration of utter confusion.

i find it hypocritical that some people find it appropriate to excoriate others for their personal habits when the detractors themselves are left unscathed for their own offensive doings. should i be apologetic for my passion in living life? should i alter my ways so that others can be more comfortable? i will say that i have no intention of doing this, and, if others find it necessary to remove themselves from my presence then so be it. it would not be the first time and everyone knows the best friend one can have is oneself.

we went to disneyland.
the b-shedd came along as well!
we had fun.
here are some memorable quotes:

"looks like jumping the fence is just second nature to them..."

"that's what she said"

"we should put a giant 'v' on your forehead"

"they are like a potato and a carrot"

"i wonder if they've added the smell of burning forests to the 'soarin over cali' ride"

"i need to get to a bathroom now before i bleed out"

As I gaze upon the lonely star which rises in the east, prefacing the morning sun, I wonder if life really does exist outside the realistic realm of practicality. I would conjecture that it does not; but alas, my skepticism rears its ugly head. Life pours forth from my being, stemming from a single bud and multiplying into a sea of scions--each shoot reaching for its own identity; its own fulfillment. I believe my marrow to be of principled substance, yet I contradict even my own predications within the very bowls of my soul.

I love. I learn. I live.

My simple desire is to sit with another on such a venture; however, I know what is impossible. Just as my facile words pass into the vastness which is the aeon of the unheard, so are my juvenile sentiments of romance vanquished by the starkness of conventionalism. Perhaps the wind shall one day bring upon me a great pilgrim who might guide my cynicism to a place of reconciliation. Perhaps one day from the crow's nest the lookout will shout "hope does not avoid us; It awaits us yet ahead!"

I have never been surrounded by so many voluntarily blind people. To my right and my left sheep are literally pulling the wool over their own eyes. Leaders are wasting leadership opportunities in exchange for sloth. Citizens are ignoring mass murder in their own backyards only to listen to lesbian love fantasies exchanged on The View. As the dark force that is liberalism presses more fervently upon this nation, Americans have been rendered immobile; they have abandoned reason, trading in logic for "gratification." I look on in disbelief even as friends and family follow the mentally ill flock to the edge of the cliff. They see no terror in the coming storm. My heart grieves for them. I scream and shout at the top of my lungs, yet I am not heard. Perhaps I have been rendered mute by the spirit of evil.

Our public schools are an utter failure; not because they are producing uneducated students (which they are), but they have failed the American people because they have delivered our young to the mouth of the lion. Insane "teachers" and profane professors have dirtied the water of what was supposed to be a safe place to bring up our youth. We trusted these institutions to take our young and prepare them to face the world, not submerge them into a world of debauchery, hate, disorder and lies. From the earliest of ages our children now learn the dynamics of sexually deviant behavior ranging from self gratification to same sex marriage. Rather than teach them not to lie, cheat and steal we think it is more important to impose upon them "principles" of tolerance (except when it comes to tolerating anything remotely Christian in nature), how to use contraceptives to avoid AIDS (which is mainly a homosexually and IV transmitted disease) and only to use one square of toilet paper so as to save the earth. The so called "institutions of learning" have desecrated themselves, dragging our children with them into the miry pit. We have stood by and watched, perhaps hoping for a different outcome, but we cannot deny what has happened and the only way to cure this disease is to kill it. It is time for the closure of all public education. It is one of the worst mistakes that this nation has ever made.

Only when he is imprisoned will my fellow man realize the death he has brought upon himself; only when his life is threatened will he see again. Will it take mothers watching in horror as knives are put to the throats of infants? Will it take kindergartners learning how to put on condoms? What more will it take to grab the attention of those who claim to care? The method of sitting back and hoping for the best will work no more. The leading liberal candidates for the American presidency unanimously agree on federally funding abortions to those who cannot afford to pay their own assassin. Are we so mindless and stupid that we cannot see the lack of logic in killing our own, killing the defenseless nonetheless? For thirty years we have answered yes to that question, giving a dumb nod while bad judicial law has reigned by stymieing sanity.

Is this really the end for this once principled nation? I hope it is not. I still have faith in a being that is greater than any political candidate. I still believe that most Americans prefer wisdom to the stupidity of liberalism and the moral relativism it heralds. My words are harsh but they are indeed the truth and I will not stand by like an idiot, watching the flocks descend the cliff to their bloody deaths. I will speak up. I will write a thousand letters. I will civilly disobey. I only hope others will listen.

why is it that family is the first to turn their backs on each other in times of disagreement? what purpose does this serve but that of the evil one himself? i can reason any of this ridiculousness away with simple elementary logic. why cannot they? i am through wasting my time trying to encourage people to get along. it is a simple choice.

...


my pen runs dry these days as my thoughts have dwindled into simple desires for sedation. my purest longings are still of the most evil, and my mental composition will always be flawed. the only comfort i have is that i know exactly what i will be doing in ten years and how i will get there. my future is set before me and thus far it has progressed exactly how i predicted it would. i was born alone. i shall fulfill a life alone. it is the only way permissible. but i must say it is not by choice. for if there were another way i assure you i would have taken it.

my words fall upon deaf ears and blind eyes. there is only so much humanity can take. i understand that. which is why i know that the only person that can help me is myself. it is solely up to me when it comes to my earthly salvation. i did not created the monster that lies within, but i trained it; i nurtured it and raised it into its current state. i have brought it about from being exclusively carnivorous to a point of preferring vegetation. perhaps this has something to do with a form of personal punishment, or remembrance rather. for i shall not forget where i came from.

love remains unchanged. reserved only for those who are unconventional which augments all complication into a vast chasm of complexity. but when adoration is born, it scourges the body in way so unbearable that it creates distaste for such frivolities. yet the mind remains unchecked; the will is wild and relationship implants itself in a permanent position.

i know not how long this charade will last. it is wearisome. it is exhausting. it is self-demeaning. i must heal. i must let go. but these are the very poisons which torment me incessantly. if a mountain lies behind me, an infinite precipice awaits.

again i am troubled with my undying love for the impossible. how it torments me! i bring new meaning to the phrase "a league of his own." no matter how hard i try, i cannot fit into the social box which has been approved for me. i am floundering.

it is time. the regime that currently stands in iran must be toppled. it is time for the world to rid itself of this festering blister and shed the irksome government that has tormented many for too long. as it stands, they have been allowed to exist long enough. they have had opportunity and peaceful invitations to change, yet they tarry. furthermore, it is not as if they do so privately or to remain unnoticed; rather, they foment malcontentedness throughout the world in the form of fear and murder. the monster that grows in the east must be crushed with the swift hand of the west or the body which is the earth will rip itself apart.

Need I say more?

why must my eyes set upon a feast of which i cannot partake? i dream the impossible. i imagine the unrealistic. i take not of beauty and i set forth to appreciate it. is like mindedness really that hard to find? maybe. these questions and more weigh heavily on my mind.

perhaps one of the most motivating factors of life is the artful state of waiting; especially for that which shall never be achieved. i constantly find myself in a period of anticipation for what is to come. rarely am i satisfied by simple stasis. the cure for this discomfort is found in a stainless steel shaker, and poured gently through a stream of rocks. here ends my vagueness.

humans naturally desire to be bonded with those who are similar to themselves; though it is not uncommon for the same to crave the dissimilar. the predicament that is so frustrating is when one finds himself stuck in the category of not fitting into a specific category. that is to say that one finds himself neither lion nor lamb, neither vodka nor gin. instead he finds himself floating along in a classification of miss fits whom are rarely understood by either side of an argument or alignment.

i suppose there must be some danger in finding that fond likeness in another person. for this is when one ceases to search. he does not lift his eyes to the horizon, and he lays flat on the ground as he drinks from the stream. with his vulnerability at critical levels he can expect to be met with the striking blow of disappointment and rejection. a man has but only a limited amount of love to give while he is in the world, and unfortunately it is not renewable.

perhaps one day the man shall collide with another who is his balance. one who fears providence. one who does not justify but rather loves. but this is yet another dream of such fantastic proportions that it too shall never see an end.

My Trip to Maine

Day 1

The first day of such an adventure is always a cumbersome one, depending on one’s view of somewhat strenuous travel. That is to say there is no easy way to get to our cozy little corner of the great state of Maine. About two hours from Bangor, which has the nearest submainstream air field, Pleasant Pond lies deep within the remote stillness of the green state; a novelty which seems to be quickly disappearing in the United States and the rest of the world today.

The car ride to Caratunk, the little “town” which borders our pond, is not unpleasant, though it is neither very interesting nor unique. In fact, it is very similar to driving through parts of the southern Midwest of America. If you were to stop along the way at a convenience store perhaps, you might encounter some friendly folk, or at least a very congenial atmosphere. Mainers pride themselves on their generally pleasant dispositions, though some would argue that they equally treasure their social quirks. That will be discussed more in depth later.

When the car pulls up to the camp, there is a sensation that the trip is not fictional but very real. The arduous travel is suspended until the inevitable return journey, but all one can process is the utter beauty before him, drenched in the dew of sweetness and natural purity that Maine has to offer. The car door opens, and it is not quiet. No, nature is full of life. One can hear the soft patter of trickling rain upon the ground; the trees above rustling their leaves to the wind. Then a bird chirps cheerfully in the distance, singing praise for the rain. All is not quiet here, no; all is vibrant, full of life, truly alive!

Naturally when man first arrives in the wilderness he is first smitten with awe and reverence for the great outdoors. Give it a few minutes though, and he will begin processing how he can “conquer” the newly found land. It is perfectly natural for him to think in this manner and he will devise a plan to provide him shelter, comfort, those things which are afforded to him in the more heavily populated areas of the world.

For us, our camp is our refuge among the wildlife. Sitting afoot a clearly blue lake (or as some call it, a moderately large pond), our camp gleams in the distance from all directions. The cabin itself is adorned with carefully selected slats of birch and pine, with a green trim roof crowning all sides. The woods spill down from the hills above, coming up to our doorstep, but being careful not to sweep us into the pond. Birch and pine and ash and maple are planted all around, with flowers indigenous and exotic adorning the lengths of the camp.

This is a beautiful place of wonder and excitement, though its own tranquility quite often tricks the minds of its visitors who mistakenly believe they will be without a care or numb during their stay. Yes, one might leave behind his worries of the busy world but most assuredly he will take on new thoughts, new ideas that will drive him daily to think of what’s coming next during his temporal life among greens. This haven is not a drug or a hallucinogen; it does not fix the mind with substance based euphoria. Rather, it entreats the spirit to come alive and breathe the breath of life, sending the soul to new heights of joy and creativity. Truly the mind is released to honesty and the heart is given to genuine love.

Day 2

The morning comes quickly the first full day in bliss. The air is crisp and cold; the wooden slats in the floor are chilly, beckoning for the Franklin stove to be lit. Clothed in comfy pajamas and warm slippers, one cannot wait to ascend the creaky stairs up to where the warmth of the stove is waiting for all. The house begins to bustle, its residents moving around tending to the fire, making coffee and toasting bread in the oven. Everything is moving. Everything is breathing. Everything is alive!

As the mind is slowly released, pensiveness turns to cognitive progression. The woods entreat the brain to quicken its pace. Thoughts immediately focus on religion; that awkward subject which makes people cringe when it is brought up at dinner. From there, thinking predictably shuffles through the political issues of the day: abortion, the “disgraced” senator from Idaho, the ailing press secretary, the bomb threats, the five year old driver, the mortgage crisis, the economic upswing and finally the ongoing threat of terror. It is only then one realizes why he escaped to this respite in the first place.

Despite the negativity of the so called real world, there is much positivism in examining the nagging issues of reality from a place of clarity, a place of a more pure perspective. Here the camp releases prejudices and relieves preconceived ideas about most situations. For instance: wars seem less destructive, a mere triviality of human existence. Normalcy becomes curiosity while the queer turns to trite. This is what the purer forms of nature do: ravage the world of mankind.

In keeping with the themes of release, which commonly occur on day two, it must be said that one will most definitely encounter others while on this adventure. Friends and neighbors will undoubtedly process forth from the woodwork telling stories, making food and enjoying company. Families and loved ones will circle up, pass the wine and crack the legs of the lobster, regaling each other with compliments and legends of those who have passed. “Why did the men have to go first?” is uttered by tipsy tongues, but a very lucid point is made. “I’ve known your family for thirty years!” is shouted across the table. Over and again stories are told, love is passed with the potatoes around the platform of fellowship.

The day passes quickly, more rapidly than the night before, and soon all are still in their beds—save for a quiet conversation between two siblings who have known each other for sixty years. Eventually even their kinship is trumped by heavy eyes and they are drawn to their nests. Now the camp is quiet; the cabin creaks here and there but all are sleeping, gently awaiting the coming of the new day.


Day 3

By now one has grown quite accustomed to his new surroundings. He is almost through reading the novel which was supposed to take him the better part of a week to finish. He has made progress on the book he is writing and he has completed the most challenging crossword puzzle. To say that he has reached the pinnacle of his bodily and mental exfoliation would be accurate, although it does not seem to do the experience justice.

High winds and a slight chill on the air accompany the rower in his kayak on the way to South Beach. He makes excellent time getting there but his trip home takes twice as long due to the heavy gusts. During his nautical adventure he ponders the life waiting for him back at home. He shudders to acknowledge that his vacation will be ending in two days time. Friends and family come to mind, and he thinks of his condo in the city. So many people. So many things. It is tiring to belabor such matters while manning a twelve foot seafaring craft against the wind.

The seafarer wonders if he should tire from his timed strokes. Would the distance prove to be too great? These questions linger amid all other obstacles of life while collectively his ponderousness gone astray distracts him from the task at hand. Mightily he pumps his arms, arches his back and tightens his stomach. He pushes through the brisk wind and waves to finally reach his destination. Surely global warming must be a farce, for he had seen no evidence of an increasingly warmer climate this day! Relieved by his accomplishment he settles down to his daytime reading.

Oh the dinner parties! On the pond, no night is simply ordinary. Every night, however, is complete with a social gathering of friends and loved ones who come together for food and fellowship. Tonight a prayer is offered. God is thanked and praised, though not all hearts are sincere in their actions. It is interesting, though, that humans feel the need to give glory to God when they look upon a great feast.

As the night draws the day to a close, feelings of youthful passion spring up. It is commonplace for the camp to evoke romantic affections and often these emotions are not realized until the limpidness of nature brings them to light. And the intensity of these sensations is augmented with each remaining day. These are the sentiments which give us the strength to embark on the journey home. Otherwise, we might merely transform into a bulwark, remaining in our satiated state eternally.

So these quixotic impulses which are universally regarded to be impractical and unreliable actually bring us back to sensibility. Our compass is recalibrated. Our direction is refreshed. Now there is a special someone waiting for our return. And we can finally picture our return without disdain. Giddiness is a side effect and is only overcome with the diversion of a petty task such as reading or house cleaning. We await the impending days, imagining imminent fondness and our eventual return to the forest accompanied by the one we love.


Day 4

The heart is pricked with the sharpness of anxiety as it realizes that the days here are numbered. Only two full days in utopia remain. Cruelly betrayed by Machiavellian emotions, one is torn by his desire to stay and the urgency to tend to his love afar. What little time is left will prove to be increasingly difficult as this tension will swell.

This day was made for all things outdoors. Paddling the kayak across the lake to view the beaver dams. Ascending the mountaintop to take into account the panoramic vista. Soaking up the summer sun and the healing power it has to offer. Today the water is calm. The wind is tame. The sun is unhindered by objectionable storm clouds. Surely this day was planned with intent; its perfection gleaming from every rock, tree and hill, reflecting on a sea of glass.

Thoughts today return to science. Is the lake water more alkaline or is it acidic? What is the status of the fish population? What kind of algae survives in this habitat, and is it in danger of extinction due to the introduction of an-other species? Will the water always be this pure? Will mankind eventually dirty the water?

For seventy years now the pond has not been affected by the surrounding human population. Many would argue this is precisely because of the care which the Pleasant Ponders have given to this lake for the better part of a century. They have pledged their lives to protecting this mass of water, and their children have learned this value, stepping in line to take over the midnight watch. That is what this place does to a person. It builds values and strengthens character. Fervor for the defenseless reaches its acme and one is empowered to fend off all evils.

The tug-of-war that is global warming sweeps over the intellect. One cannot help but mull over this topic repeatedly. The theories on this matter are tossed about like papers in the desk of second grader. The media chooses a stance and force feeds it down society’s throat, just as a kidnapper would gag his victim. They don’t want anyone to have a say, save for the zombies who are programmed to spit out what is being fed to them by the spoon of the teleprompter. Backless, boneless, seedless and sugar free is what the world is becoming. Encouraged to dope up on the mind numbing drug of conformity, citizens of the planet are choosing captivity over freedom at a disturbing rate.

No side, either for or against the theories which state that the earth is warming, has proven anything remotely conclusive. The environmentalist hacks, just like religious fanatics, expect all people to have faith in their church of fear, based upon a hundred or so years of research. For a planet that they claim to be billions of years old, that does not seem like enough information to draw any type of responsible conclusion. But they know the facts, and if you don’t agree with them, you must be a cold, heartless republican who is responsible for hurricane Katrina.

Scientists who are unafraid to point out the inconclusiveness of the limited research however, are slow in forming more studies themselves. Few care about doing the work. It seems that celebrities and failed politicians find it easy to make movies spewing fear and rhetoric from their religious machine. People might take these characters more seriously if they would unhinge themselves from their plush lifestyles of gulf stream travel and multiple mansions and personally make the needed sacrifice.

Then it is time to calm down. Thoughts turn to time and space and the relation to the infinite vortex of light. Will man eventually catch up with light? Will he exceed the speed of light, catching up with the original flicker? Will he meet God at the end of this tunnel? Only time will tell. For now, the boundless splendors of purest nature will content the heart, as the kayak makes its way back to the dock.


Day 5

Bittersweet. The only conceivable description of the final day. Tomorrow travel resumes and its wear on the body is duly noted. One refuses to get out of bed this morning because he knows that once awake, the time will fly by and in a fleeting moment it will be nightfall. Oh, the dreadfulness of the last day! It will be glorious though, as the celebration will be at its highest.

One last trek into the woods; a last voyage on the waves. The hours fly, and the sun sling shots through the sky. Glorious Maine, in all its splendor, luminous above all of man’s creation, the land basks gently in the rays of the sun. These past days of reflection and refreshment will leave with the traveler. Onward to home and upward in life, one does not forget what is learned here, what is gained. Carefully calculated and calculated carefully, the journeyman will remember this place with great fondness as he is imbibed once more into the vastness of life.

the account of my travels to maine will be posted shortly.

insured. assured. whatever. it means nothing.
but i will be debt free, and that's everything?
at least one person will benefit from my life
and he deserves it, lord knows he does.

in other news my sanity slowly returns
quietly i regain my senses, which were lost a day ago
my nerves reached a pinnacle; my mind numbed
and i was shot down off of my horse to the ground

new friends. new places. utter disconnect.
but then that is what this life is about eh?
nothing matches, nothing makes sense, nothing is logical
at least not to our mind's eye, for we were not first

here ends the ridiculousness of this post
but my sentiments remain. i try to answer, to exist
yet my thoughts are cast by the wayside, to the dust
my utter being plunged into the depths of the forgettable

a starry night spreads vastly across a sea of grass
the glistening sky reflects upon the green slopes
repeating valleys bring the scape together
all of the land waits for a still small voice

flying hearts, beating against the wind
sail swiftly toward the rising tide of storm clouds
the brief shrieks of thunder flash across the sky
their fiery veins coil and contort to reach afar

this heart never stops. i do not know if it ever will. the arms of togetherness cannot seem to touch me, and their grasping only strengthens my resolve. it has been said to me that if i want it, i will do it--or i will obtain it. i can see that being true; however, i am my biggest obstacle. whether or not i want something has absolutely nothing to do with getting it. this would rely entirely on the fragility of my will. and those who know me also know that i am a bulwark of confidence when it comes to decision making.

shall my unjust love forever hang in the balance? will i remain or will i go? do i stand firmly on the ground, or do i take the inevitable plunge? to these questions and more i do not know the answer. i anxiously await my turbulent future, and perhaps i just might survive the bloody war which is sure to be fought.

the franciscan way

i have recently come to the conclusion that a celibate life, though possibly a lonely life, is a very productive life! that is, provided one does not become distracted with the "wonders" of the world--to which one could just as easily be married. with a bit of concentration, some creative thinking and a strong will one can achieve that which might officially mark his life as productive. of course production is measured differently by varying peoples and cultures.

i have not under any duress nor despair come to any of these conclusions. sheer logic continues to be a driving force in my life. my decision process is really quite simple: i identify a problem or issue, then i clearly define it and consider all applicable factors, form a specific plan to fully reason the issue and execute that plan. without fail, this process continually leads to a decisive end.

the for mentioned logic of which i spoke is not some ethereal force i have especially discovered; rather, it is that which has always brooded over humanity, ever begging our free use of all that it has to offer--though mankind has not always taken a liking to it. this rejection alone defies the very existence of logic, as betterment and benefit is surely to be gained from such a bedfellow.

emotion, however, takes over and suddenly it seems easier to blow up a bus full of infidels. i am reminded of scene from the story of hannibal lecter. when mason verger, a patient of the cannibalistic doctor, was asked why he willingly tore his own flesh from his face, he responded, "it seemed like a good idea at the time." the deranged doctor had so poisoned his patient's mind with intoxicating distraction that verger was driven to do himself harm simply based on the notion of a temporal good idea. the point of this story is that humans, for reasons known only to god, have historically chosen the self destructive path while being fully aware of the better way.

in the immediate present, the path i am exploring could have some negative effects, but i wonder if the long term results will prove to be extremely beneficial. i will begin the process of placing myself in a more permanent independent position. this house of cards could fall, but at least the attempt alone might yield conclusions which will satisfy my mental wanderlust.

f the news

i will only say this once: i am so sick and tired of hearing what some "correspondant" has to say... especially when it comes to the war in iraq. that is so yesterday. don't think i'm cold, i am simply a representation of the american people. one day, they will be on one side, the easy side; the next day, they will be on the complete oposite side, due to peer pressure and popular dislike. what a fickle society. i am happy to say i am not a part of such a travesty. they can have their cake, but unfortunately, they will not eat it as the predatory world around them will eat them and their cake.

why do people have this incredibly audacious idea that the world operates on their time? i grow weary of those who do not respect the time or patience of others, only so that they might not feel the stress of punctuality. now of course, many of you will say, "well jack is always late to the party or hangout" to which i will respond that though indeed many times this is true, it is always quite fashionable, expected and dependable. i at least will show up--with bells on. the offenders of whom i speak take no guilt in cancelling their plans at the last minute. that, in my opinion, is unforgivable.

changing winds

i know many of you have grown weary of my prose
i know that it can be difficult to be interested
therefore, i am taking a short break from my usual style
and i will write of my life from a different perspective

enjoy. or hate.

first, i will address something about which all of you are curious. and the answer is no. at least, not at this time. it is not the right time (by the way, in case you had not noticed, i have chosen to leave some of my more ambiguous stylings in tact). the point is, do not wonder nor worry, for i have yet to embark on such an adventure... or at least purchase a one way ticket.

that being said, i miss many of you. you know who you are! let me say that you need to return my phone calls because it is rude to ignor your friends and to pretend that you are too busy to talk. we all know that we all screen and we pick and choose with whom we will talk. get over it and pick up the phone people! you know i would do it for you--but not forever if it is one sided.

i will be hosting a housewarming party toward the end of august/early september. rather than send out a massive number of invites, i thought i would gauge interest by asking all who are interested to respond, and then i will extend to you an invitation. i detest pandoring.

unthinkable. unfavorable.
predictable. impalpable.

untrusting.
selfish.

this world shall fall
no, not at the fault of global warming
for that is certainly a truth that is false
but at the hand of humanity and his ignorance

this country, new rome, shall be one of the first
one of the first to crumble, but last to fall
we will not have the pleasure of dying first
we will witness the last drop of blood spill

this country is filled with masochists who are hungry
bloodlust running wild, encouraged by ideal liberalism
will surely engulf every last one of us
whether or not we inject the heroin ourselves

be tollerant, we are told, and others will tollerate you
that is until their militant hearts take hold
let your children choose, and they will have peace
let your women choose, and their guilt will wash away

murder god, jesus and the holy spirit
and you will wipe out hunger, war and hate
planes crash and buildings fall
then you will come crawling back to church

this nation deserves what is coming by god's wrath
and i for one am dreading that great and terrible day
most assuredly, i have contributed to our guiltiness
and i shall pay my fair share, but still i fear

no one knows it's coming. no one thinks it's coming.
and nobody would believe it's coming
for our hearts have been poisoned, deadened
we are keen only to our self gratification

the day approaches

global warming is a religion. it requires a faith in a matter which cannot be scientifically proven. it requires sin and guilt: the realization that you are the cause of the destruction of earth (and therefore mankind). it requires that you spread the gospel to others, persuading them that they must change their ways. finally, it requires salvation: which is you changing every bit about your life that gives you too much comfort, that the earth might be saved.

do you see how ridiculous this is? every day, new SNOWSTORMS are hitting the globe. yes, record heatwaves are hitting the DESERTS of america, but how many global warming marches were cancelled this year due to extreme cold? the answer is many! but you will not hear this from major news networks, because they cannot cope with the fact of being wrong. i tell you, the first to carry the honest truth will win the ratings, as the REAL american people (not the visitors, etc.) will be able to decipher the facts.

for any ignorant imbecile who even thinks about criticizing bush's pardon of lewis "scooter" libby. this link provides a qualified, "shut your mouth" if i've ever seen one. enough said.

http://www.usdoj.gov/pardon/clintonpardon_grants.htm

for breakfast, a date with radio shack
some transistors, resistors and a heat sink later
it was time for lunch,
which of course was spent giving music lessons
on to afternoon snack which took me to ace,
the place where i found my sledgehammer and screws
by late afternoon it was time to pound away
two hours later, no niche, no tile and ever decreasing carpet
our home is on the way to becoming a home
some drywall, no carpet, new cabinets, new paint, new floors
will help us get there. meanwhile, we do what we can!
and i did not work out today, due to my john henry fitness program
now it is time for dinner, and a delightful menu at that
oven baked butternut squash with apples and garlic
broccoli half steamed sauteed in olive oil, garlic, red pepper
and sesame seeds;
some fresh warm basmati rice will complete the feast
a rewarding meal for a productive day. the end.

today's news

on global warming-

what global warming? (see various posts regarding this matter)

on the government-

congress seems to like wasting time. oh, and it is seeming a bit racist.

on the war in iraq-

still fighting (and still winning).

on global terrorism-

why can't al gore help fight this?

on paris hilton-

have courage, you will get through this.

on those who prosecuted paris hilton-

shame on you for over indulging in your power.

on the iphone-

only four gigabytes?

on illegal immigration-

if i have to pay a ticket, so should you!

on putin and his cold war tone-

some one's compensating for something.

on the judicial system-

congratulations on your lawmaking; oh, and thanks for giving us barabas.

on joe lieberman-

why isn't he running for prez?

on all republican candidates for prez except fred thompson and rudi giuliani-

there's no way in hell i'm voting for you. especially not that imbecile mccain.

on hillary clinton-

now you can really get back at bill!

on "the view"-

the show still stinks, but elizabeth is amazing!

on satellite radio-

get an iPod.

on the new scion xb-

well i'm inclined to say wow!

it's about freakin time...

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20070610/D8PM8O381.html

fun. friends. fellowship.
and over a wonderful bud of life.
with our thirst quenched and our stomachs heavy,
we close this glorious day! what a feast.

heaven.
if not for a few moments of bliss.

so much loneliness in such a crowded world,
it is almost too much to stomach.
i have realized that one cannot continue the way he began,
if he began under a certain duress; for he is now marked.
i suppose this is why settlers sought out the new world,
they could not continue in their former state.
i am emerging not from a cocoon but from forced naivety.
no longer will i pretend a fictional goodness exists around me,
for it has been long since that ship has sailed.
must i presently find a new world of my own?
this ponderance and more beleaguer me incessantly.

some thoughts...

don't quit now. i've stood behind you all this way, all the times that you have been beaten brutally. you have suffered through so much, do not fall here, it would be a waste. they hate you now, but you are right, and history will forgive you. i am sorry that humanity is too ignorant to see that, but they once reacted the same way to another great man...

...

ignoring me will not erase me. i am still here. i am waiting. and if i have changed so much, then why am i in such a state? there were many things said, some were good, some were bad, some were right. you tried to plant roots extremely fast and it pushed the soil right out of the pot. you do not seem to see that, but that is exactly how it happened. you cannot expect such forcefulness to be reciprocated with love and care. it was way too soon, too much at once, i voiced this over and over and over and over again. i spoke to deaf ears.

...

why do the terrorists attack public buildings and government landmarks? since it is the "culture of america" that they hate, should they not be attacking the chariot masters who are the driving force behind our culture? why do they not attack movie lots in hollywood? why do they not attack news corporations? why do they not attack the real "devil" behind our bad deeds--the media. are they so stupid that they cannot see this? oh wait, yes they are, because they have no regard for human life. i just wish that for once when people say things (like the terrorists explaining their reasoning for wanting to kill us) that they would be truthful. the terrorists, however, are just like our media--saying one thing, meaning another, and generally unsatisfied with life, so we the common folk must change for them to feel better.

veg on this!

i never noticed before how much of a meat driven society in which we live. chicken with this, beef with that, pork, liver, steak, lamb and the list goes on and on. as if there were not enough meat from which to choose. personally, i do not have a problem with anyone who eats meat, or even the act of carnivorous consumption; rather, it is the idea that i am different because i choose to abstain from eating of the flesh. it has been so long now that i cannot imagine how to stomach even the smallest portion of meat. i am so turned off by the idea alone.

so feeling like an outsider is not my cup of tea (only masochists enjoy such pleasures). did our world really decide in the infamous garden to throw in the towel and give up on greens? why must we all follow the "standard" so blindly? people tell me that they cannot live without meat, yet they ridicule the obese man nearby who believes he cannot live without sweets. my friends-turned-health-experts tell me that i cannot get the nutrients that my body needs solely from the ground. "you can't get protein," they tell me as my biceps are three times larger than theirs. "where do you get your calcium?" -a somewhat more valid point because cows produce calcium right?- wrong! cows get it from the same place that i do, from the ground.

the carnivorous bunch, as it were, cannot argue against my health, however, due to the fact that i am generally very healthy and in most cases healthier than they. additionally, i cannot lie about the fact that i have virtually no body fat and my heart is in the best shape it has ever been. i complete a cardiovascular exercise once daily and i am never chronically tired. now if only i drank nil alcohol and more water. perhaps i might have trained for the olympics! the point is that i can do virtually anything i want to do physically because of nurturing my body the way that i have.

above all people must understand that i do what i do because i want to do it. i am not sensitive to animals rights, although i think we should be good stewards of what is given us. however, are we being the best stewards using the cows for food? or would we not benefit more from sacrificing them for energy purposes? i must also address a certain notion here. for those of you who think you do not eat that much meat, let me ask you to inquire about all of the sauces you get with your food when dining out. also, be sure to ask what your food is cooked in. i know of several nicer restaurants that actually dunk their veggies in chicken broth before placing them in a stir fry sauce made primarily from beef, chicken or shrimp stock.

translation=meat in america is first ingredient to most foods.

that being said, there is more truth to theories about too much meat causing greater risks of colon cancers than there is to the myths of global warming. red meats make brown dark spots in the colon, and those brown dark spots are prone to cancer. never has a study concluded that any green vegetable caused any defect that could lead to a life threatening disease. so simply based upon the "gamble" mentality, one could assume that the safer option would be to exclude meat altogether from the diet, as it presents risks whereas the greens do not.

i do not preach my beliefs on this matter to anyone. i do however voice my frustration when it is not enough for me to simply keep my mouth shut; i must also change my ways because they themselves are offensive! poppycock i tell you, and i will not change my ways. what kind of a crazy world we live in where someone is more interested in my diet than my belief in christ? i tell you i am not.

ok, there is my veggie rant for the spring/summer. perhaps i'll drink blood by next fall, but it is unlikely...

so someone as smart as rosie should be able to figure out that conspiracy theories and myths of grandeur are simply bunk. she cannot, though. she is too hung up on her hate for a man who will soon leave office, and she will soon discover that life is not as simple as she thought, and the war that she hates will carry on--even if it is under a different flag. throw a democrat in there, she says, and all the world's problems will vanish! unfortunately democrats have a major flaw: they are human beings. they will fail, they will fall, and humanity will always disappoint. to obtain true fulfillment, one must have faith in something or someone much greater. but everyone is so busy trashing the fictitious creator and spurning his precepts that will always be blind to his goodness. how is it that i have made a serious error in a life decision but i can still see what is right, but others are so clueless as to their own self destruction? wake up america, half of humanity hates you, and it is not because of this recent war in iraq. yes, we could pacify as rosie and others would like us to, and our enemies will come over here and kill us because of people like rosie, and their alternative lifestyles. yes, rosie, we are protecting you and others like you, because this world has no tolerance for you! but you choose to hate us. your only saving grace. this is sad.

ironically, certain college professors that i know of are some of the most childish, irreverent, immature and irrelevant people i have come across. this, not stemming from their social interaction, but from their social disruption. they are paid to impart their knowledge upon their pupils, but they prefer to instill their rhetoric and their sentimentalism in the students who are forced to be the audience. these "master teachers" have an undeserved pulpit, and the vomit they are spewing is disgusting me.

consume less and live more?
ok then, i'll refrain from spending money on your movie(s).
fly your jets 'round the world to denounce wasteful americans.
then expect us to listen to what you are squawking about.
your logic is dim at best, and your message is lost in translation.

i want love. just a different kind. i want friendship.
i need to love a friend, and i need a friend to love me.
souls meet, hearts beat, and then nothing, space and time cease.
and then the bitter cold sets in. how i wish i had a jacket.

every time i round a bend or reach a mountain top
i seem to stumble and fall,
tumbling further from where i began
i am tired of failing, of falling, i am through

there is no simple solution in a box; no salvation
only more hurt, discontentment, and anquish
i despise the pessimist in me, but there it is
now a bottle of sedation sits before me, numbing me

oh how i long for the days of my childhood
wandring aimlessly in life, pondering the adventurous
i was stupid then, but i was most happy and joyful
i buried those days in my backyard with my piggybank...

traveling

i turn a corner, i climb the stairs,
my journey brings me to great heights;
while ascending into the realm of possibility,
energy infuses my actions.

purpose takes on new meaning,
light looks very different now.

motivation, then,
is drawn from my hope in a not too distant utopia.
worlds meet, hearts collide,
and all is quiet on this battlefield.

a thought, an idea,
of what one would become must change, evolve;
transformed into fresh clay,
taking on the likeness of the potter.

this, the quintessence of life itself,
the purest form of a miracle.

achievement is found
not in the acquisition of wealth or power;
but there is fulfillment
in progressing further along a path.

alec is at it again...

http://www.tmz.com/2007/04/19/alec-baldwins-threatening-message-to-daughter/

well, if you have not heard, our fav actor-turned-politician has added yet another occupation to his hefty list of credentials: parenting to the max. this of course is not the first entry in this blog regarding mr. baldwin, for his actions have caused him to be the topic of conversation here several times. alec is an ass. plain and simple. i especially love this little tidbit:

UPDATE: Alec Baldwin's spokesperson released the following statement to the TV show "EXTRA": "In the best interest of the child, Alec will do what the mother is pathologically incapable of doing ... keeping his mouth shut and obeying the court order. The mother and her lawyer leaked this sealed material in violation of a court order. Although Alec acknowledges that he should have used different language in parenting his child, everyone who knows him privately knows what he has been put through for the past six years."

so alec is sorry that his wife leaked the tape; he is not sorry about what he said. parents are supposed to protect their children, not cause them to fear. alec always has come across as that shady guy who beats his kids, and his most recent actions only validate those perceptions. the only redeeming thing about all of this is that his credibility as a human being has been flushed down the toilet, making even more of an ass out of him. cheers alec! perhaps dr. phil can cure you of your anger disorder. you are a sad, sad little man.

the winds of change and chance are once again upon me.
i raised my sails only to catch the strong and immediate current.
now, hundreds of miles from where i set off,
i am humbly approaching unfamiliar territory.
with great caution and angst i draw near to new ground.
though i fear no evil, as i have felt its bashing curse before.
as the tide rises, so does the anxiety within, expectedly.
but the anchor to my soul holds fast, though some will not see it.

you have changed.
what you meant to me has shifted.
in fact, you are gone, and i don't expect you to return.
but now you have arrived, and swept me up.
you have captured my attention, which is hard for anyone to do.
and all i think about now is how i want to give to you.
to share with you. to help you. to hold you.
i have come to expect the unexpected, but this time it does not hurt.
how much life can change in a simple string of (extra) ordinary days.

i hate the hate crimes bill. so there.

time is passing by so quickly, and i fear that i will not reach my goals. what i do know is that i will try, anyway, to accomplish the things which are important to me--regardless of whether or not these things are practical; after all, practicality was never my cup of tea. in two days, i have completed several tasks which were formerly before me: i cooked broccoli in a sesame seed, olive oil, garlic and red chili flake saute, only half steaming nature's protein laced green. additionally, i prepared a chili recipe, which was constructed by my sister in law--i even prepared it the way she did, venturing away from the original directions a bit, because i liked it so much when we visited in january. besides cooking, i cleaned a bit, took out the trash, decided to keep our new chairs, played the piano, and completed my first modeling shoot. it has been an eventful twenty-four hours. here's to the next...

it has truly been a whirlwind of a week
margaritas, manicures, martinis, and a moscow mule
my life has been turned upside down
i was surfing on the most outrageous wave
when the undertow sucked me into disarray
out of my mind, out of my body, back together again

the coming days will produce even more confusion, delusion
yet clarity is slowly seeping into mind's abyss
tears, laughter, joy, sorrow, love and heartache are in store
if only i could rope the wind, rob a bank, and reach the stars
all at the same time so that i might feel in control
but for now, the current will continue to push and pull me about

i am definitely taking the road less traveled. say what you will, i do things in my own unique way and i do not see that changing any time soon. this presents me with several obvious problems. first, the routes i have chosen on this journey will limit the places i am able to go. because of these limitations, the company i keep will also change--this is the predicament which bothers me the most. finally, my actions in these next key moves will determine permanently the attitude with which people will perceive me. am i ready for a change? this change? i cannot answer that question. and i have been advised not to share my answer with anyone, once i arrive at a decision. but that i would simply act accordingly will be sufficient. new times. new days ahead. new people. old people. young people. what will it be...

humanity of late has proven to be a society of half truths and utter deception. people say they are going to do one thing, yet they do another. i am guilty of this. for months now i have expressed my distaste for those who alter the truth and for those who make up excuses for their irresponsibility in keeping appointments, fellowshipping with friends and fulfilling voluntary committal engagements. it was this night that i realized that i am far from perfect and hat if i am not careful i will end up just the same as the people who have offended before me. i will make it a point to not turn out like flaky people i know. i will .

i enter. i pause. i see you sitting there.
with your eyes focused intently upon your subjects.
i pass by. i attend to other business. you notice. i glance.
for a moment we understand each other. we empathize.

my place is set. i must return. your company awaits.
i too have company, yet this night feels like a solo flight.
with wings i fly high into the realm of what might have been.
you are not there, however, as our paths crossed only for a moment.

i write tonight as a friend is in pain
he suffers an ailment of years past
morphine, antibiotics, and the like run through him
i hurt for him, he does not deserve this, not him
i hope he heals quickly, i hope the news will be good
a good soul, a happy spirit, upon him be peaceful rest

if phoenix bans the use of cell phones in cars (while driving), they must ban all eating, drinking, smoking, laughing, sneezing, farting, blinking, chewing, singing, and listening to the radio. since we have apparently decided to become socialists, we must ALL give up ALL things that might distract us from driving, because clearly we cannot take care of ourselves. we are not adults--but small children, who are merely playing in a dangerous world. we need fat men who eat too much meat to tell us that our environment is dying from an increase in temperature due to our ignorant consumption. pompous politicians have the arrogance to tout fictional concepts of global warming while there are sick and homeless people dying in our streets.

IF WE CANNOT EVEN TAKE CARE OF OUR OWN, WHAT REASON DO WE HAVE TO PRESERVE THE EARTH?

i am sick and tired of meat eating, dairy consuming, SUV driving hollywood leftists screeching and screaming their radical religious sermons at me. they want to force their god of "peace and love and save the planet" down my throat. they are hypocrites, the lot of them--for when a man of the cloth evangelizes them, they snicker and sneer at his conservatism, calling him a prude and a fanatic. i will never under any circumstance take anything they have to say seriously, and i will shout my opposition to them from the rooftops.

mistake. mistakes. mistakes were made. if i hear the word mistake one more time i will lose my religion. i find it so ironic that humans actually accuse other humans of making mistakes when they themselves are guilty of travesties of the worst kind. people need to stop pointing the finger and examine themselves--as ugly as it may be.

liberalism is a dying fad, that will ultimately be proven ineffective and antiquated. "don't tell me what i'm doing wrong, but when i tell you what you are doing wrong, you had better listen to me or else you will be an intolerant, ignorant, heartless dumba**.

i despise the news.
in fact, i could do without ever viewing another newscast or news story ever again.
however, i rely on such rubbish to know what is happening in the world.
it is unfortunate that my options for keeping up are so limited.
after all, the news is so primitive.

i saw exactly five front page stories this week that were not deserving of the title.
i saw two newscasts that were completely worthless, and run by uneducated imbeciles.
i heard four stories that were "factual" happenings, but really were op ed pieces.
i saw three ridiculous magazine covers, peppered with "celebrity" gossip.
a funny faux-hawk made the news, and it ended up being only pony tails.

i hate the news. i despise the news. lin sue can eat her words, and lipstick too.

all i can say...

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you

--coldplay

i cannot fix you, you don't want to be fixed
good things never seem to last, this is no different

i'm glad that i don't have to associate with politicians regularly. my life would certainly be shorter if that were the case.

http://www.news24.com/News24/South_Africa/News/0,9294,2-7-1442_2081757,00.html

well, o, my dear, it looks as if one might need more distinctive purpose and direction if one plans to open a school. i applaud you for your efforts and concern, yet i still sometimes wonder if all of this simply strengthens your bottom line...

there once was a man who walked about this earth, talking of feeding the hungry, clothing the poor and taking in the homeless. he however did not build a place to put them all; rather he asked others to sacrifice everything they owned, that they might not be distracted by their earthly possessions so that they could devote all of their time and attention to others. this man, of course, was silenced promptly, in accordance with the great prophecies.

today, life is not much different. one speaks of giving it all up for the sake of the lost, and he is cursed as a fundamentalist. then, to twist the dagger in his belly, some protest group made up of children in their thirties who have survived mostly on their daddy, the college professor's money, taunts the poor fellow as he walks into a restaurant where meat is served. they hurl angry rhetoric at him, the notorious mass murderer of animals. and he is the fundamentalist?

society is just plain back-ass-words in the modern day. the church is condoning what is wrong and condemning what is right. politicians are fighting for something that nobody wants. teachers test the pupil on his knowledge of the professor's opinion, rather than instilling principles of deduction. schools are more concerned with political correctness policy rather than teaching the students moral values.

so, dear o, look what you have inspired me to write! i will leave you with this thought: what if you gave none of your belongings or riches away, but instead devoted your whole life to following god and discipling his people? i would bet all of your money that you would be happy, and you have the means to do it for a living. you wouldn't have to continue making tents... just a thought. i hope things turn out ok for your school.

hugo chavez is a strange, petulant, petty little man
perhaps in his next life he will be a bit taller
until then, he will keep compensating for what he lacks
by throwing rocks at the bigger kids on the playground

viva USA!

you have dreams, or you had them once
i saw the hope in your eyes, until it faded
that fateful day your light blew out
your face changed a little, and you were gone

how clever we can be while playing this game
but there is no prize for simply being sharp
an award is given only to he who still stands
a fight to the death in which only one will survive

take nine steps, facing the other way
on the tenth and final footing you whip around
only to find that i'm not there, i have vanished
you see, though you would kill me, i must spare you

yes, only one of us remains in plain view
and that is the end game, the final draw
for you shall live your life to its fullest potential
yet perhaps frequently looking over your shoulder

as i build my house, i shall document our progress here
it will give me that special feeling of accomplishment
every nail i drive through a board, every toe i paint
i will put my work here, so that i will know it is finished

this has been on my mind...

a screenplay is comes to life, film reels are rolling
a man appears in the picture and sings his opening number
his tune is love, his love for her, and her love for him
at least hopefully it was love, perhaps just appreciation

the lines are read, and there are lines to read between
other longings, other feelings are uncovered; none of it is new
the truth of guises is made manifest, and the wolves now hunt
but in the end, simple existence is the killer, for blase is toxic

and the rattling from the expired footage goes on
flashes of black and white are all that remain of the symphony
there is no curtain call; there is no bow
for this show ended not even with a whimper, but a final breath

i am getting quite the birthday present this year
a beautiful new home, which will be my special project
so much to do, and plenty of time to do it
i cannot wait for the excitement to begin

there are new days ahead, though they all blur together. i hope to see my friends this month, but lately it seems that we could live five thousand miles apart and we would not know the difference. oh well. i suppose i have too much time on my hands... or do i just allocate my time differently?

our lives consist of that which we choose.

we choose the hours.
we choose the days.

if we become enslaved to this, we have failed.

with regard to all that i have said,
i will stand my ground
i will not back down
my thesis remains ever proven, and i regret nothing

what a glorious night,
a wine filled night, with friends and, well, others
interesting suitably describes new acquaintances
and irresistible are those who have been around

yet at the end of the night
i still find myself hung up on the one
who still holds my heart hostage;
though it is not out of cruelty but of fear

oh the day when i shall be numb to fatal attraction
how i glory in the hope that i will turn out normal
i can taste the freedom of my soul
and it is only a devil's contract away

times of uncertainty lie in the not too distant future
insecurity and instability are the only sure things
but i am more content with such worries and problems
than i was with the secure mundane, killing me slowly

today it happened. i woke up feeling productive, though still a bit under the weather. i worked out, readied myself for what was sure to be a busy day and proceeded out the door. after catching some much needed rays, i visited a possible abode, bought it, and then checked out some places to rent for the church. i had some success there, especially in sunnyslope. then of course i prepared for sunday, rehearsed the choir and then finally journeyed home. it was indeed a productive day, and for the first time in months i feel as though i accomplished something. oh, and i did not get in a car accident, day one.

addendum to the previous post

i must add a point that i forgot to include in the original post. i mentioned that "the problem here is that the notion of his cure implies that one can be cured of sin or the temptation to sin..." that being said, i think that the lines of sexuality that the church has drawn are far from the reality of human existence. this is not some sorry attempt to justify behavior of any sort, nor is it a ploy to shift the church toward liberal thinking. there are plenty of bishops and priests doing that already--especially in the episcopal church. what i am trying to emphasize is that shock therapy, ice baths or even 'intense counseling' cannot change the hard wiring of a person, yet such services can influence and change his resulting actions.

for instance: an alcoholic joins a twelve step program because he has a problem with drinking. he completes the program successfully but what he does NOT say at the end is "i'm no longer an alcoholic." in fact, he is quick to notify others of his former alcoholism so that he can be accountable. he knows that it could only take one drop of gin to push him into drinking himself silly. so his orientation has not changed, but his actions have. do you get the picture?

many will disagree with me on this point. that is fine. we will disagree. i think it is dangerous to categorize a person's sexual identity as one would an addiction. what this does is encourage the idea of an unrealistic cure and when a person, especially a teenager, learns of the illusion, it can create a despair in him that life will not improve and that he will never be normal. perhaps this is why so many people with sexual issues are afraid to talk to people in their churches. they are afraid that they will be thrown into some program far and away from their loved ones, when in actuality they probably just needed to talk to some safe family members, pastors or friends to help through what has been discovered to be quite the common issue in churches these days.

i probably need to give this one a rest.

http://www.denverpost.com/ci_5164921

i do not know how i feel about this. on one hand, i am happy for mr. haggard's alleged healing; but on the other hand i worry about the serious repercussions his most recent statements could have on others who deal with similar issues. i do not take issue with mr. haggard stating that he is not a homosexual, after his three week long intense counseling regime. i do, however, take issue with the implication that mr. haggard was cured of his sexual attraction to men. whether or not this is indeed true, we will never know because it is something that only he can ever truly know.

the problem here is that the notion of his cure implies that one can be cured of sin or the temptation to sin, which we know will never be the case. now certainly it is possible for one to experience healing in a major area of weakness in his life, for one can change his ways and choose not to bow to his own weakness. i believe that counseling can strengthen one's ability to 'fight' even his own desires. the temptation to sin, though, historically has remained with humanity since the initial fall of man. each of us suffers from a different sinful affliction, whether carnal or passive, and generally it is something that we deal with for our whole lives. though our actions might improve and our attitudes might change, we do not wake up one random morning having forgotten completely our problem with sin. we cannot flip a switch and proclaim that all of a sudden everything has changed internally. we know from years of psychological research that such a thought is immature at best.

i hope i do not send a message of pessimism here. that is not my intent. my worry is for that teenager somewhere who is watching all of this take place and thinking that there is a mysterious cure for his or her ailment at some expensive christian retreat in arizona. so, instead of bringing it up with the people around them (friends, family, church...), they will continue to hide in the shadows with their dark secret until their day comes when they are outed and an overseer board checks them into a cure-all facility for the sexually deranged. meanwhile, the youth pastor is still having extra-marital sex and a pastor on staff is addicted to pornography. do you see the problem here? as long as there are humans involved, there will be trouble. we are sinful beings and we need to help each other deal with our sin. in this day in age, it is more appropriate to confess and deal with your sins in a bar than it is to discuss them in church.

finally, i want to address one more issue. the article in the paper stated that mr. haggard and his wife were asked to move away from their home and all of their friends and church family. it was said that because of mr. haggard's 'high profile' it would be best if he did not pursue ministry and that he completed the healing process elsewhere. right away, i sense the obvious problems with this whole line of thinking. the church is sending him off to 'somewhere else' to heal so that it will not be uncomfortable for people. they don't want mr. haggard to be embarrassed and they don't want the church body being reminded of the issue. for a congregation that stresses family, the church does not seem to be acting like one. good families help each other. they don't send each other away when a non life threatening problem arises.

additionally, i find it disturbing that the involved parties are playing the 'high profile' card when they created the monster. that is, they put mr. haggard on a pedestal where he could not ever sin, for he was the face of the church. this whole mentality goes against everything in the new testament as it relates to church. we have created the mega church. we have created the mega pastor. so why then are we shocked by the mega scandal? people sin. pastors sin. we will all continue to sin. as paul dealt with his sin, we will have to deal with our own. we must be able to talk with each other about these things. we must not allow ourselves to be pushed into a position of perfection because the moment we do, we are existing outside of the family of the church.

in conclusion, i am grateful that mr. haggard has people around him who do care. the term 'restoration oversight board' is a bit presumptuous, but if they are helping mr. haggard, then i will pray for them. i greatly respect mr. haggard's wife and family as well, as they have shown loving support for him during this tumultuous time. i respect mr. haggard, personally, for facing up to all of this as a man, and for choosing to stay committed to his wife and family when he could have ran. i trust that providence will make good out of this ordeal, and i hope that the church especially examines itself and takes steps toward forming a more healthy, honest body of believers.