Part IV

Therapy is over, at least for now, and that is reason enough alone to drink—or to drink alone. Either way, it suits the situation. I spend hours and hours on my body, and the results have been amazing [to me]. But what has this brought me? Absolutely nothing. No awesome sex, hot dates [with exception, of course], or any other form of eroticism other than my own fantasies. What will I do about this? I will only work harder to make my body even more enjoyable to absolutely no one but myself. Why, it does not matter. The point is that I will be happy with it…
[break]
…A process that will render me free from all [bad] bacteria, purifying my insides from the gross and dirty. If my thoughts could only [be cleansed the same way]. [It is] too bad that there [exists] no physical cleanse for the thoughts. Concluding this night [these four posts on my blog], there will be those out there who find themselves just as lonely as I. I suppose the only logical thing to do is to connect with these people through projects or other venues in order to preoccupy our lonely selves. The end for now…

Part III

I notice that every time that I grow weary of this old life my eyes turn to major change—such as a move. Possibly to [bleep] or [bleep]. Loneliness is a bitch. Of the worst kind. Why does my heart long to be in the places which have become the residences of my friends. I am not sure of this answer. Most recently my longings draw me to a school of divinity located in [bleep]. More specifically, the school of divinity of [bleep]. I find it to be quite comical that my desires can be both righteous and “evil” at the same time. My thoughts are not slowing, but rather they are occurring to quickly for me to organize properly. If life were only as simple as choosing a red or a blue pill. Which would I choose? When I think of the fear that Hell instills within my heart, I think to myself, “How can a God that loves us so much allow anyone to endure such suffering [as Hell]? Because I love those who shall dwell in Hell, no matter what. Does that make me evil? If it does, than so be it.

Part II

more free write…
[It seems as though many of] my friendships have all turned stale. I do not know what to do about this; I am important to few, though fun to many. At a moment, I can be the center of attention and in the next, my existence can be forgotten. I know this must all sound selfish, but honestly, if this were untrue, why would I be writing this? Even my closest of friends keep things from me for one reason or another. I cannot hate them for it, but it hurts me. What are the requirements of one that he may be trusted enough by a friend so that nothing should be veiled from his eyes? I wonder, what are those requirements and where is the book containing their descriptions? On a related note, this must have been the worst Christmas which I have ever experienced. There is no exaggeration in my words, just simple despair. I know this all sounds so melancholy and ridiculously close the tiresome grumblings of the short lived punk-rock-emo era that was so melodramatic.

Part I

a free write...


Why the hell does this life present us with that which is unhealthy for us, though at first sight it seems as if we would die without it? Sometimes, I feel as though I will never get the comfort which I seek. There is a road out there I long to take, but it is wrong. I know it is. But I still yearn for it. It is absolute bullshit that we should even be presented with such a hardship. It is a damned thing really. Also, is it possible that my own beloved country has indeed become the most disenchanting place to live? I fear this to be true, for I am not persecuted nor am I restricted. In fact, it might be that I have attained too much freedom. This resulting in too much free time. Is that possible? It does not seem as though I have this kind of time. It pains me to say it, but death and tragedy have not yet struck heavy enough blows in my life to change the pace of the passing time even of the slightest. Crazy, crazy, these words must sound. Though they are true. Complete, utter honesty.

though they shall dwell in the depths of darkness
i will love them unconditionally, without regret
if evil is about me for that reason,
then so be it, and my sould will reek of evil

hi-ho, hi-ho
it's off to work i go
a graveyard shift that's five days long
hi-ho, hi-ho, hi-ho hi-ho


by the way, in case i should expire ere i write here again, merry christmas, and to all a good-- well, a long night(s).

in my world atop the bell tower
i can see the future beyond
but the wind up here is strong
and the cold is biting;
i might not have this view for long...

shame on those who now have the gall
to call to question "our" moral character
and who find it necessary to chastise "us"
for "doing" far less than that
which they instruct us to do,
from their cinematic thrones


these out of touch imbeciles on rodeo drive
have no business even attempting
to tell "us" what is morally right


i will ignore their complaints,
though i am actually not a part of their problem
but i will fervently defend those who are their targets


they have no class, they have no shame
all is right, and nothing is wrong
so why is there a god on their side now?
hell no 90210, hell no

the best is yet again to come
it is unfathomable, i hope...

on the other side of the fence,
a man realized that the grass only appeared greener
but of course once examined more closely
it was just grass, and he gained nothing
yet he lost the wonder of the unknown
and that wonder was more precious
than the brief illusion, now decloaked

my heart is full of the new day
there is much on my mind
and much to be thought about
this recent excitement is what i need...
i think...
for the blood flows again,
and life continues on

of sadness does my heart cry
this holiday is too hard, too difficult
this season has fallen atop me
and i am not ready to face it


the 'withdraw' button has been moved
and i cannot find my way out
logic dictates that everything will end
but my wild heart is not tamed by simply that

briskly do the four winds blow
and round about they flutter
my soul swept up into the gale
and off to peace i hurry

'tis almost the end, just a little more time
of course i'm not in my head, but
watching from outside my body
and i shall lead my wandring self home