childlike perceptions

Ever since I can remember I have processed events in my mind much in the same way. A given event would occur and my first response was to view myself as distinctly separated or apart from the event. Almost as if I were a translucent or invisible being hovering above life below, curiously observing from a safe distance. I would then dissect the situation to the fullest, tearing apart every possible scenario and perception. I thought about what others were thinking. I wondered how or if this would alter my own perceptions or actions. Pondering what could have been done differently, I dreamt of alternative outcomes and wild stories that were so far from reality. Then, the crowning moment of the psychoanalytic experience prompted me to discern why God had allowed or ordered me to be a part of the event.

Not much has changed over the years, save for my bravery in enduring previously unexplored situations. Now that I find myself in the midst of such phenomena, I cannot seem to pull myself from the scope of the circumstance. Rather, I am stuck dwindling in and endless vacuum which draws me ever nigh to the encompassing walls of entrapment. Like a mime imprisoned in a mirror I am unable to break free from this extra dimensional jail. I suppose it will take a John Constantine to fetch me from this abyss. I only wonder if I am serving as my own warden.

All this to say that I am absolutely happy with my life. My current pursuits, my education and my relationships are all fitting quite nicely together--though perhaps much to the sorrow of certain loved ones. It is understandable that not everyone will agree all the time and especially at the same time. What I must keep at the forefront of my mind, however, is that the stability of my rationality has never been reliant upon the perceptions of others--even if I once blindly submitted myself to such falsity. Here ends my posting for July. Until next month then.