it is no wonder that i seem to constantly find myself in disbelief over the selfishness of others. this is not to say, however, that i am without guilt; rather, i know how easy it can be to put oneself before a brother or a friend. now scientific studies are revealing the true nature of humanity: love corrupted. from the very beginning, man spoiled his love simply for the possibility of his greater gain. he gave up his pure form for the chance to jump ahead, to create an appetite for that which he previously did not require. mankind could not know what he surrendered until it was gone, for the cost of his promotion was the realization of his former gift. true love lost.
from thence we saw one another, not as individual human beings with feelings, stories and souls, but rather as opportunities for our personal gain. we look each other in the eye, nodding in empty acknowledgement while pondering what we are going to say about ourselves just as soon as we can cut in on the conversation. we say 'i love you' and 'i love you too.' some of us mean it. some try to mean it. and others are so self indulged that they cannot know the difference. we pity our friend, for his plight is unfortunate. but we "have" to complete our own "to do" lists before we can pull over and give him a lift.
one of the best excuses for the lovelessness of humanity is the need for rest. how many times have i been told 'i must postpone our fellowship, for i am exhausted and i must arise early for work.' in reality the phrase should read 'i have booked my schedule to its fullest, leaving sleep as my only free time; and i have filled my life with all that is really important or beneficial to me, so spending time with you is a chore for which i have not the time.' an exaggeration? perhaps, but probably not. people seem to care for each other only when it is convenient or mandatory, and in either case repayment and reward is expected. genuine love is not convenient, as providence has proven. it requires sacrifice and putting second one's own desires.
i have lived in large city for two and a half decades. throughout the years i have seen many faces, old and new. i have grown up in a community where the greatest distance between two people is one half an hour in length. a metropolis that has forced us, the people into close proximity of one another. for once, convenience is on our side, yet i watch in dismay as we grow further apart. we live in a world where it is more acceptable to cancel our plans with a friend than it is to be late to work. therefore we put ourselves first, our finances first, our food first when we should be more concerned with feeding others.
my frustration regarding this matter continues to grow. i try to tame it but time and again people outdo themselves, acting in such a way that i could never consider for fear of losing a friend. what is unthinkable to some is easy for others. gradually, the sincerity of the caring will outshine the hollowness of the loveless as my patience with narcissism dwindles. i suppose that friendships, relationships, and brotherhoods will continue to morph with the ever changing attitudes of humankind. i only hope that the day does not arrive when these words are considered a part of the dead language.
2/03/2007
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1 comment:
I have thought about this… very hard.
I don’t believe love, friendship, meaning… is in jeopardy. I believe it has to be restored individually.
I feel that the loss of interest comes from a loss of response. I once heard a mother defend her child for not calling people back. She said…
“______’s voicemail is so full, _____ does not have time to check it.”
I seriously could not believe what I had heard. It was said almost pridefully… as if to say my child is so popular, there is no time for you. There is interest lost when the attempts to reach out are not met. I myself have tried to connect, tried to maintain/begin/restore connections only to be ignored. Maybe I am not cool enough? Maybe the inbox was too full? Maybe I don’t believe in the same things? Maybe I don’t fall into their hip lifestyle?
I have found myself losing the intimacy in my relationships, texting versus calling. Emailing in lieu of writing. I have been guilty of this. I have been guilty of using our daily conveniences instead of stepping outside of my comfort zone. I need, keyword being I, to be more thoughtful of feelings. Of emotions. More protective of that connection. Our world is too small. There have been too many times where I bump into people, after having lost that connection, and I am left with the pangs of what once was… the friendship, when life was connected. It leaves me with the feeling of loss.
Yet, I find myself using the word sacrifice instead of postpone. I am sacrificing my free time to ensure a future with my husband, to ensure a future for my children. I am sacrificing my rest so that I may support my partner as he visualizes his dreams, making them tangible. This does not mean I am neglecting the connection that I have established because the faces of those I love are scattered throughout my home. Pictures, letters, memories keep those faces in my mind and heart. Thought of often and prayed for more. But... do they know that?
Does this make me a hypocrite or someone who knows where I need to make change? I know I need to make time to actually reach out and restore connections. If it is important to me then I will. The connection I miss is up to me to re-establish. I cannot complain anymore.
So, with this said... I would love to make time to sit and have a glass of wine with you and enjoy your company. The company I have missed for so long...
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