Connection (an attempt)

I began this piece the other day but never finished. My mind was cloudy and I could not quite form what I was trying to say. I have decided to abandon the approach, but have nevertheless posted it in case I get a response that inspires me to pick it up again...

Human intuition drives us to connect with other beings, moments and sensations, triggering the realization that our existence is not solitary. It is this powerful realization that continually motivates us to move beyond our limitations, seeking comfort in knowing that we create ripples; our actions produce inarguable outcomes that prove our perceptibleness. Sinking softly in cool water, feeling the tiniest bubbles tickle your face as they seek their higher destination. Nature interacts with your body in this blissful moment, imparting a heightened sense of awareness. Connection happens, and the moment passes, but the effects are forever imprinted on your being.

Recently I have developed a somewhat cruel addiction to ascending the peak of a mountain at a pace that intimidates even me. What began as an adventurous respite from business became a routine discipline that has enveloped any former wonder for the natural environment. Rock trails became a staircase and the surrounding scenery turned into background noise. Other hikers, then, transformed into curious passersby, not dissimilar to tumbleweeds brushing across my path. Life offered me a wondrous chance to connect with a most visceral ambiance but somehow my eyes glazed into fogginess, rejecting the world in favor of meaningless ritual. Ignoring countless opportunities to interact amidst such a beautiful setting, I now seek the very possibilities I have squandered.

Every day we are placed in situations that afford us the chance to be a part of something other than ourselves. Our commitment to reaching out defines the probabilities of the results. Society seems to constantly reinforce that we must take care of ourselves and indulge our own needs and desires in order to live happy lives. While this notion might lead one to become more outwardly healthy, it discards the efficacy of a deeper, more spiritual health. Religion aside, this spirituality involves allowing oneself to be a part of a greater community, to bask in loving arms of nature and to experience the emotions of special times.

Passing Time

Time is a peculiar thing, at times fluttering about like a happy bird then suddenly surging like a ferocious avalanche. It creeps upon us when we are looking the other way. Its shadowy face lurks about in the darkest corners of our beings, rearing its head when we must answer its calling. Our years are marked by historical moments, societal icons and personal milestones. Identifying ourselves by the happenings in our lives, it becomes difficult to feel less whole when these things that have been a part of us begin to disappear.

Loved ones, leaders, the famous and infamous alike all pass away one by one, leaving us to a world without them--a world that seems less familiar and lacking. We are left wondering what to do and where to go after familiarity has vanished, aimlessly looking to someone, somewhere for some semblance of support and direction. Fear is an exaggeration of what we feel; it is more of a nothingness, an emptiness that plagues our hearts indescribably. Not all fall prey to the reality of new surroundings, however, as many stiffen their upper lip in upward mobility ever enduring for God, country and family. To each his own.

Perhaps purging one's memory of the past is a more effective way to cope with the future. Then again, the realness of the present can be so overwhelming that it produces compelling thought, a resolve that quells even the cruelest of storms. Poets, then, are left with the task of fending off the demons of passing time, ever present amidst the gaze of a ticking clock. The world changes, and those within it are susceptible to the icy chill of death. Still, life endures and man presses onward to the unknown, ever pursuing and indefinable goal. It is in this end, ironically, where eternal peace dwells.

A cross dividing culture

For many months now I have pondered the significance of the cross in modern society. From what I have gathered, it currently presents a universally recognized symbol indicative of a social, political or fashion statement. No longer does the sign elicit images of the supernal; rather, heathens and Christians alike have mucked up the message of Christ, each pontificating on the assumption that their noble task serves the betterment of humanity. Heathens have declared that God is dead. Emergent groups avoid religiosity to the point that they resemble a glorified twelve step program. Traditional churches are closing their doors, unable to generate the crowds they once boasted. Faith has become an artistic line from a lyric and piety is now a forgotten term of the dead languages. Pessimistic in verbiage, truth is sometimes hard to swallow.

Arguing out of fear of failure, pious masses would eagerly contend with my “spiritual blindness” and “unconscious obstructions;” however, their refusal to recognize their own responsibility in the circumstances of this world is the very obstacle preventing them from regaining their strength. Attempting to relate to “modern” society, the Church has created a subculture, or parallel culture, desperately yet unsuccessfully endeavoring to fit in among twenty-first-century progressiveness. Consequently, the product of this inefficacious undertaking amounts to nothing less than a witless gathering of unsubstantiated rhetoricians. Whether one wraps the Gospel in a pin-stripped suit or ripped jeans and a v-neck, intelligent people have come to realize that their personal well-being rests not within the divisiveness of the Church, but rather their own capable hands.

Regardless of fairness, regardless of what is right and wrong, the Church no longer enjoys home court advantage. If its advocates ever wish to see revival they must first embrace the honest certitudes of ailing faithful communities. Fearful of their willful, prideful ignorance, I doubt that such a phenomenon will occur in my lifetime. Needless to say, I am a lover of the Ecclesial Community, and I should like to see it succeed. Change is necessary, though, and I anticipate the day when I can once again think fondly of that which Providence has consecrated upon this earth.

Politics departed; examIning within

My passion for politics was relit in this election cycle. I do not presume to know why this occurred, but nonetheless it is what happened and that is that. Fortunately, for me and many of my friends, the insanity of political discussion has ceased from my end. In a flash, like a lit match encountering water, the inner flame driving my zeal for politics was extinguished. The torment is over, at least for now. I have made peace with whatever transpires on November 4; it has been ordained by God and destiny cannot be altered. From my lips now passes the last of my political engagements and I move quickly onto newer and even older subjects.

I read somewhere today that “religion is dumb; Jesus is great.” As clever as that phrase may sound (especially to the evangelical right), it is in fact sophomoric in its very nature. While the church inevitably crumbles when being tested at any given time in its history, it is the religion, the practice of faith which stands the test of time. Relationship with Christ has merit, but in a relationship actions must occur and affection must be practiced. To hold in one’s heart the satisfaction of simply knowing someone is at best trivial in a meaningless, loveless relationship.

I say these words because I find myself stuck in limbo, a purgatory where I am not accepted by the church nor am I welcomed my heathens. My sexuality is a product of misguided deceit according to the church. In contrast, my faith and conservatism are a result of my self hatred and hypocrisy according to the liberal world. Nowhere can I find refuge for my lonely soul. Damned by the ordinary world (and I say that with the greatest of sarcasm), I am left to my own devices to guide myself through this turbulent life.

Therefore it is my religion, the practice of faith, making the sign of the cross that gives me strength and reminds me of who I am and always will be. My creator loves me and I him, and it is important to me that I outwardly portray this. My lifestyle directly contradicts religious theology, which my detractors cite in proclaiming the hypocrisy of my beliefs regarding action oriented relationships. What they fail to acknowledge is that mine is an affair which shows on the outside while many evangelicals wrestle inner afflictions by which they will never be measured. Additionally, it is one piece of my life which is in question. My faith is steadfast and my outward profession of faith remains evident. Those surrounding me know I love God and they can see my affection for him. Though all of us fail biblically, it is one side calling the other out in an clash which only drives the outcast further from the brethren.

Never have I claimed to be “right” in God’s eyes. Never have I claimed that his Gospel is wrong. What I expect from people is to show me the same respect I afford them. God will be my judge and so be it. In the meantime I have no intention of ditching my religion. As much as it stuns the evangelical right, I will continue to profess my faith while I live in the manner I have chosen.

That being said, I am actually quite well. I have a positive outlook on life and I am generally satisfied with my progress academically, professionally, emotionally and spiritually. I have found a wonderful companion with whom I share my life daily. My friends are supportive and loving, and we share glorious times together. Waking up knowing that I am my honest and true self every day provides me with hope to embrace the future. My spirits are high and my wonder ever flowing. Lifting a glass and hoping for the best, I move onward.

childlike perceptions

Ever since I can remember I have processed events in my mind much in the same way. A given event would occur and my first response was to view myself as distinctly separated or apart from the event. Almost as if I were a translucent or invisible being hovering above life below, curiously observing from a safe distance. I would then dissect the situation to the fullest, tearing apart every possible scenario and perception. I thought about what others were thinking. I wondered how or if this would alter my own perceptions or actions. Pondering what could have been done differently, I dreamt of alternative outcomes and wild stories that were so far from reality. Then, the crowning moment of the psychoanalytic experience prompted me to discern why God had allowed or ordered me to be a part of the event.

Not much has changed over the years, save for my bravery in enduring previously unexplored situations. Now that I find myself in the midst of such phenomena, I cannot seem to pull myself from the scope of the circumstance. Rather, I am stuck dwindling in and endless vacuum which draws me ever nigh to the encompassing walls of entrapment. Like a mime imprisoned in a mirror I am unable to break free from this extra dimensional jail. I suppose it will take a John Constantine to fetch me from this abyss. I only wonder if I am serving as my own warden.

All this to say that I am absolutely happy with my life. My current pursuits, my education and my relationships are all fitting quite nicely together--though perhaps much to the sorrow of certain loved ones. It is understandable that not everyone will agree all the time and especially at the same time. What I must keep at the forefront of my mind, however, is that the stability of my rationality has never been reliant upon the perceptions of others--even if I once blindly submitted myself to such falsity. Here ends my posting for July. Until next month then.

death comes quickly to those who fear it the most; slowly to those who need it the most. it is but a loathsome thing--not because it brings about the cessation of life but because it destroys hearts. love hurts and love cut short stings like salt in a wound. and bitterness of tongue follows without end. tears fall and form a sea of emptiness; a numbness that masks all feeling. how my heart is battered! my spirit torn! oh respite come with haste! but lo i remain unchanged, unfettered by the restraints of hateful cherubs. and in the end alone. always. yet this is nothing new. as my pen began to stroke this page i knew the end result, nothing.

saying goodbye to people is very difficult. it does not get any easier, even when you know you will be parting soon. the heart aches and the spirit cries for more time, but providence is the sole proprietor of time and he does as he sees fit. only can we hope for peace when we take our leave. peace that will comfort us through lonely steps...

the irony of death is its bittersweet array of emotions. what can be such a relief to some is but an act of torture to others. in one way the dark shadow is the new found rest of troublesome life; alternatively, the crisp coldness of lifelessness is very source of great pain. if it comes quickly it can be devastating, leaving loved ones desiring more time. if it drags on slowly it cannot come quick enough. such matters are irksome to say the least...

this has been on my mind...

for derek

my heart is filled with great joy and excitement
providence has chosen to grant our prayers
news of your peril tormented me so
for the loss of your bright light in this world is unimaginable
get well, stay well, my friend
and may peace always surround you

to the mrs. -

it is hard to talk to parents period. i find that as time goes by, the older my parents get, the lines of communication begin to fade. this is not to say that fear or loathing is the cause of such breakdowns, but rather different thinking; our paradigms drift further and further apart. but all of this is just fine. it is what happens in life. it is to be expected. how we deal with these changes is the measure of our fortitude.

with regard to your values, i am encouraged to find that you have put your thoughts into concise rationale. it is in this mode that you will find clarity and peace of mind. concerning the morality of your opinions, there is much to be said about the questionable justifications of others, especially christians, and their respective ultimate goals. on a personal note, i appreciate your unconditional compassion--more than you may know. in response to civil liberties, though, i encourage caution; for often the liberties of one man are the chains of another. and by the way, did you hear that jesus might not have been a republican? apparently it is making waves throughout some communities.

finally, i hail your honesty and your devotion to prayer. you will experience the peace of the almighty simply because you allow providence to pilot your life. you are engaging the difficult questions of life and it is inspiring. i will leave you with these words:

"God calls us to respond to life, not merely to react to it."
-From Finding Peace by Dr. Charles Stanley


-Jack

as i said, keeping the balance is difficult in this life
one can only hold the anchor for so long before he falters
but it is to be expected, though it is not easy to accept
and one can only continue, beaten, down the weary path

the human perspective is a curious thing, for it deceives
this oddity is often the cause of war and bloodshed
for rarely do warring parties agree why they fight each other
and often both are justified in the very end, and rightly so

one cannot always get what he wants in this life or the next
in fact it would not be good for a person to be completely want free
it is such natural desires, though, that plague the heart
the best consolation is that perhaps not all ends here

i have been away...

most glorious one

i am wholly indebted to you
i could never come close to repaying you
you do not ask it from me
though i feel eternally compelled to offer

you have been calling me, signaling me
i am sorry i have not answered, i turned away
as tears flow gently from my eyes
i am drawn unto you through an unlikely source
i have felt your pleadings in recent days
in my mind i knew my travels were set to cease
i can see home in the horizon, its familiar glow
i am returning there, after being away for months

as i look to my feet i notice i am not walking
i am being carried by you, ushered to the end
i do not deserve this, for death is my wages
you give so freely to an ungrateful soul
even as i left you so that i might perish in my selfishness
you guarded me, you guided me through unimaginable dangers
death fell upon me and you brought me up from its grasp
such darkness pierced by your infinite light

and now here i am, broken, battered... and such time wasted
i have longed for that which does not edify, temporal cares
my sights set on the false world of earthly wealth and riches
while you still suffer from the pain of your death by my cruel hand
i plead now for your mercy, your forgiveness, your rescue
i realize these as i lie helpless in your arms, unable to move
words cannot begin to convey my anguish for my own rebellion
may the god of peace grant me swift death unto myself, renewal

oh providence i am in need of your assistance
i cannot live in this world on my own, i fall
bestow upon me brave wisdom to surrender
transform my animosity into a generous love
sanctify me by your spirit, oh true and only savior
mend my wounds which cloud my return
regenerate my soul into your perfect peace
and keep calm the waters which now lie still

o magnificent one, send forth your peace

our high horse

we put on airs, pretending we are better
we put on slacks, claiming a "witness for christ"
we blasphemy in our selfish and gossipy prayers, calling it "concern"
we say we are someone who we are not; we claim to be "christians"

how unfortunate that we call ourselves apart of god's team
since our affiliation must frequently embarrass him
we try to pass laws decrying acts of sodomy and the like
we attempt to separate the smokers from the saved

such hypocrites we are! reprehensible to say the least
and the len munsels of this world are leading the way
well i am not following; i will not be misguided, misled
so from now on, it is not we, but you, you who are blind

jacob marley are you there?

the countenances of the saints brood quietly over me
i know not who is there, save some peaceful specter
i look for reason for purpose but there can be none
in this realm of the mysterious, i know only a vanilla world

so these wraiths around me are watching, waiting
but for what? my curiosity kills neither i nor them
my eyes are tired; i cannot close them for they are dry
with the ceaseless petitions of the visual universe

surely no vessel can pass through here
for the tears that once flowed here have faded
tis such a lot of the worst, a deep sadness of heart
for through emotion flowed life; heart and soul

A Tribute...

This mass of unorganized thought is all I can offer...

Here is a tribute to a man who I did not have the pleasure of knowing. At least personally, for I have been introduced to his spirit through others.

Through a man named Luke, I have met a great teacher and friend. I pray the blessings of peace and comfort from the Almighty upon all who have been touched by this man who has departed us. I recall something that I wrote when my high school Bible teacher was killed last January...

Oh teacher, time was stolen from you and yours
Your heart was quieted before its time
Tho' I know that the Father has called you home
Farewell to thee, oh blessed man who loved

I am shocked by the applicability that this has to the current tragedy. My heart hurts for my hurting friends, especially dear Luke. I am thankful, though, that I have come to know this departed man's kindness and love. Everything that I have heard about him has been made manifest within our loving brother Luke. He lives a legacy of his father's goodness through his own. My heart cries for you, my brother, and I am sincerely praying for your and your family's peace and comfort. May the God of Peace which passes all understanding surround your hearts with comfort. I leave you with this prayer:

God, hear my prayer,
And let my cry come to You.
Do not hide from me in the day of my distress
Turn to me and speedily answer my prayer.
Eternal God, Source of healing,
Out of my distress I call upon You.
Help me sense Your presence
At this difficult time.
Grant me patience when the hours are heavy;
In hurt or disappointment give me courage.
Keep me trustful in Your love.
Give me strength for today, and hope for tomorrow.
To your loving hands I commit my spirit
When asleep and when awake. You are with me; I shall not fear.

loyalties lost...

as i am reading a favorite book of mine, i find myself thinking much about the society in which we live. it is my belief that we now find ourselves in a time in which the human bonds of old no longer reside. let me expand. in ancient times, it was considered a great honor to come and dine at another's table. when a man invited his neighbor to dinner, it was considered to be a great honor and a mark of friendship. from then on, they would have a relationship which was built upon trust and honor. so out of obligation, the two would then continue life while still being concerned for each other.

i fear that we have lost these bonds today. in the present day, 'tis no matter if the bonds of friendship are broken. one can simply cease to acknowledge his former bond with a friend, and people silently part to go their separate ways. what a pity. the least that could happen if the two were about to part is a final handshake or acknowledgement of the parting, but to simply cower out of the relationship is plain stupid. unfortunately these mangled things we call friendships today represent the society in which we live: non-committal, superficial, and very temporary.

why has this happened? well, i tend to think it is because we no longer need people, or god for that matter. we have so much stuff to satisfy our needs of loneliness that we could certainly replace any friend, family member, or god with a number of gizmos and gadgets that could take our cares away. all hail the ipod, a refuge for many. some might disagree with my opinion so far, but i will offer some evidence that i think suggests that i am right.

in the past twenty-five years, playing cards as a social activity is down 25 percent (Putnam, Bowling Alone, 102-5). Going to bars, nightclubs, and taverns is down 40 percent (101). Full service restaurants have decreased 25 percent, and the number of bars (including coffee) and bistros has decreased 50 percent, but fast food outlets have increased 100 percent (102). Having a social evening with an actual neighbor is down 33 percent (105). Attendance at social clubs and meetings (such as B.P.O. Elks, Shriners, etc.) is down 58 percent (www.bowlingalone.com). Family dinners are down by 33 percent (Putnam, Bowling Alone, 98, 100, 102-5). Having friends over to one's home is down by 45 percent (www.bowlingalone.com). in the period ranging from 1980 to 1993, bowling was actually up 10 percent, but the number of bowling leagues decreased 40 percent, as people now prefer to bowl alone (Putnam, Bowling Alone, 112-13).

the above statistics are mentioned in mark driscoll's the radical reformission. what these stats show is that america prefers to be alone. nobody wants to be around others anymore. no one wants to put effort or emotion into his relationships. so america doesn't need friends. we certainly don't need family. why then do we need god? we don't. we don't need him, or anything he has to offer. the songs on our ipod do not require anything from us, and we can get lost in the free emotion that the songs give to us. we don't have to put anything in. we live in such an experiential service based society, that all of our needs (physical, mental, and spiritual) can be met in a starbucks! we don't have to grow the beans, we don't have to harvest the beans, we don't have to brew the coffee, we don't have to serve ourselves, and we don't have to own nice leather furniture surrounded by a bright inspiring environment with cute little tables and rich aromas and great music. we can now order up that scene where person is sitting by the fire with a glass of wine and a good book and a nice blanket while we are on our lunch break from work!

i wish things were different. i wish that we had to put some work into the products we receive. i wish we actually had to visit the grocer and speak to him to let him know that we need to order an extra gallon of milk next week. i wish that we actually had to get off our lazy asses and go visit a friend rather than give an unimpressive courtesy call. i wish that we actually had to speak to god, rather than rely on our church experience to take care of that little issue. granted i am thankful for myspace, as it has reunited me with some old friends, but i do not want it to replace my lines of physical communication with my friends and family. a myspace message can never do justice to a handwritten letter that has carefully been passed by the hands of many to reach its recipient. technology has invaded our society and yes, there are many benefits to it.

i guess the point i am trying to make in all of this is that we don't need each other anymore. we don't need each other because we can get therapy or we can get help from support groups, which only exist because people do not have personal relationships anymore. alcoholics anonymous. can i say any more? even the support groups are on a need to know basis, and they don't want all of your personal information. they just want to address your problem so they can fix it, and send you on your merry way! we need to get personal, people. the church is dying if you haven't noticed and if you don't think that this new desire to be alone at home (where one can have his own church and his own relationship with god, etc....) is not going to make things worse in the coming years, you need to think again. i am not pleading for the church. i am not pleading for me. i am pleading for the sake of humanity that we follow the second most important commandment! how are we to love others if we don't need to be around them, or if we are simply not going to be around them? if we love christ, then we need to show that we love christ to someone other than our ipods. i’m not dogging ipods either, don't get sidetracked by that, i am simply making a point.

i need to wrap this up. in the coming days, i am going to try to live like someone who wants and needs others. i am not going to try to establish myself as the person who is just fine being alone. i am not going to be that great achiever who forsook his friends for success. rather, i am going to show people that i want and need them. i am going to show them that i am here for them as well, and they could use me. i am going to show true friendship, and i will build those true friendships with those who accept it. i am going to surround myself with those who think similarly; because the only way this will work is if those around me do the same. someday, i hope to see a true community that reflects true love. i suppose i could be wrong on all of this. i suppose that we could be built to survive by ourselves, not needing others. i suppose that we could have evolved into a culture that does not need anything from anyone, so long as it is not a good or service that will immediately satisfy. i could be wrong. but if i am, then i am going down in flames because i am going to invest fully in this, and i will not turn back. if the africans are sending missionaries to america because we are in such spiritual dilemma, then the least i can do is sign up to help them. there it is. the ships are burning and there is no turning back for me. i need you, people, and i think you need me. that is not a bad thing, but it is what god intended. let's do something about it.

a blessing

may still waters pass through your life
may storm winds turn from your direction
may the wild goose gently brush its feathers upon you
peace, peace, peace and grace

A Call For Decency

Paul writes to us through two thousand years of church and world history. Christian love must be without hypocrisy. Pure love, not social love. Cleansed from self. Let God love through us. We must hate evil, not simply fearing the consequences. We must have a "family love" for others, all are our brother. None are strangers. Honor above thyself. The mark of true Christianity should be humility. Care for one another. Courage enough to say "I am sorry." Courage to profess being a follower of Christ. Our relationship with God depends on our talking to Him. Do not curse but correct with love that does not have an agenda.

...The above piece is a transcription of a combination of a recently professed sermon along with some great thoughts that followed the oration.

pompous arrogance...

so i have been frustrated about a speaker that i listened to a few days ago. he was one of those really "motivated" speakers--really charismatic, but very unorganized. he would jump from one point to another... it was almost as if he was trying to get all of his talking points in before they shut off his mic. what he had to say was alright. it was one of those classic morally motivational speeches that is used as a device to influence people to make good decisions. who am i kidding; his speech was trying to get people to not make bad decisions. he did not spend any time on making some great decisions like helping the homeless, talking to a friend, or expressing relentless kindness toward others. unfortunately, many evangelical speakers i have encountered are this way. he also quoted a verse out of the bible, using it completely out of its original context so that it would fit his own disheveled thesis. all in all, it was a painful time to sit through. i hope that some of my new friends who were also there do not take him too seriously, for he was full of confidence and haphazard semi-factual ideas yet he mentioned not one basic principle to display. i fear more and more that the evangelical world has distanced themselves too far from their anglican roots and apostolic succession. it is amazing how quickly bad theology can rear its ugly head.

on the green hills shall i pray, shall i pray
on the green hills shall i pray
for my Lord has giv'n me great joy today
so on the green hills shall i pray