Endings and Beginnings

Last week my life came to a screeching halt--my relationship ended almost as swiftly as it began. When the hammer came crashing down, I took to strength at first, confident in the knowledge that better days would come. Four days into my new reality, I descended quickly to the dark places of hopelessness and depression. Why I felt the pangs of failure almost a week later I do not know, but my mind became swollen with millions of thoughts and emotions and my physical state rendered powerless. Since then, taking a step requires the greatest of effort, and aftershocks of a broken heart still linger.

Lightheaded and swirly, my mind languished in the fears brought on by loneliness and feelings of desertion. As I paced my newly empty home, I loathed the notion of ever returning to bed, and the insomnia set in. Along with the ability to sleep my appetite diminished. Slowly I consumed less and less until I could not remember having anything to eat in a day. Pills and libations failed on all accounts to quell the raging storm within me. In fact it is safe to say that my experience was multiplied tenfold by these factors, and regaining perfect sobriety became the highest priority. Lost to the hell of my emotions and fearsome intensity, I flailed about until I was left lifelessly numb.

As all storms do, eventually the torrents ceased and sun broke through the thick black clouds of despair. Realizing that I gained from my love lost, I slowly began applying myself to normal daily routines--even adding a few that had been neglected for months. Perceiving the loss an opportunity has not fully come to fruition as of yet, but most assuredly I have endeavored to begin the healing process and mend my heart. Thinking of what I want in life and what I want to make of myself, I have begun pondering what I want in a future partner, purposing to wait patiently for the right match and avoiding the pitfalls of futilely attempting to make an apple out of an orange.

Love is truly a journey that is often not perfected the first time on the path. Life always moves on and no matter how bad it seems, time will make everything better. Though this truth still lies just out of my grasp, hope in its coming will carry me through. My love is intense and has always been so; my honesty and openness can be daunting but rather than try to change myself I will wait for the one who appreciates those qualities. Love will return to me one day, and when it does I will be ready for it.