do tell

How does one muster up the courage necessary to break another’s heart? Not of a lover or companion, but that of one who has looked to the other in times past for wisdom and comfort. Speaking neither to cowardice nor anxiety, how does a person inflict sheer disappointment on an innocent soul? An uncomfortable and nettlesome subject at best, the art of verbal bombardment ends only in tears, causing a most unpleasant rift among involved parties. Can such a disaster be avoided? Or is this collision an unstoppable force, a hurricane pummeling the defenseless from all sides?

There remains unfinished business between myself and others, and it is my responsibility to attend to these unresolved matters. Though I experienced an extremely drastic life change, still, others were blindsided by an emerging bus with no warning. No matter how I try to cast myself as the afflicted, I always return to my nature, fully knowing that my zeal for others remains unfettered. Therefore, I rather loathe the torture which engulfs those whom I love. Effectively, I am yet soft on the inside regardless of my outer portrayal of hardnosedness. Sensitivity is not my middle name but my only name; I run not from my inner most character for it is that which providence has ordained.

Life is but imaginative longings within the corners of my mind. Five years, a decade or a half century down the road where shall I be? I gasp at such a venture. Frivolities of that sort are best reserved for the worrywarts and malcontents of spoiled society. My focus instead lies with relevant relationships, cultivating a habitat that promotes health and growth. Unbreakable bands, woven seamlessly together, form steadfast ties forged from such relations, giving life to ceaseless kinships founded in loyalty, honor and love. Here is where my heart lies. The essence of my being clings to such principles, leading me back to my original conclusion.

To this arduous task I bid the best of luck.

agents of change?

As the election cycle nears ever closer to that fateful day in november, politicos and patriots across the nation are reeling with excitement over their candidate picks for the 2008 presidential race. Lawyers, Senators, farmers, bankers and CEOs are all discussing who will be the best for America and who will likely succeed in taking over the White House in January. The race has boiled down (though not without some getting severely burned - Hillary) to two candidates, Senators John S. McCain and Barack H. Obama. Not dissimilar in their quest for the 1600 Pennsylvania return address label, the pair are ultimately polar opposites from their personalities to their visions for the future. America will have to choose and choose wisely, as one of these two competitors will hold the highest office in the land for the next four years.

Mr. Obama has unapologetically cast himself as an agent of change during the course of his campaign, touting himself as the hope for the future and envisioning a new direction for America. Though he has never expounded on the specifics of his rhetoric, the public seems to have accepted his self proclaimed aura, giving him the pulpit he needs to propel his political agenda. Unfortunately for the hungry American public, vagueness is starving them from gaining any substantive insight into the life and intentions of the Senator from Illinois. Thoughtful questions seem to be continuously deflected, citing bigotry as reason not to answer. Interestingly the press gives this behavior a pass, seeming quite unshaken by the bold move to leave questions unanswered. If no explanations are offered and inquiries are ignored, how will citizens know the candidate?

Just days ago, Obama supporters teeming with excitement awaited a message revealing the identity of his running mate. When the news finally came through in the early hours of a non-business day, one could hear a pin drop as America held its breath--only to be categorically unimpressed with the results. Another Senator, aged and hailing from an insignificant state (as far as electoral votes are concerned) was announced as the partner in the agents of change campaign. Not only was this race already chock full of Senators (career politicians), but it was already full enough of elderly statesmen to put it kindly. So nothing new, nothing different, no element of change was introduced to the insatiable American public. Rather, a disheartening message rang loud and clear about the young Senator Obama: “I might be young and inexperienced, but this Washington lifer will balance me out!”

This strategy worked for George W. Bush in 2000, but then again he did have gubernatorial experience and a laundry list of statewide accomplishments under his belt when he promoted Cheney as his helping hand in foreign diplomacy. Still, the move worked and America twice elected the enigmatic Bush, awarding him both the highest and the lowest approval ratings in history. Bush was not the first candidate to employ such a method. John F. Kennedy chose the elder LBJ as his running mate, giving the Kennedy camp years of state and national congressional experience. He chose wisely, easily picking up younger voters himself while gently courting the skeptical older generations. JFK, with little experience, managed to easily take the White House in what was one of the most memorable political victories in US history.

Generally, the Obama campaign has been anticlimactic. Even his win over Hillary did not garner the expected thunderous roar of excitement from anxious Americans. Newspeople are showing signs of Obama fatigue, tired of talking up an increasingly unoriginal campaign. If Senator Obama expects to woo American voters into the euphoria of his vision he must take a risk and give the public that pinnacle moment in which they realize they have been changed--transformed by the message of hope. He must elicit a climax, bringing people to the point where they need him, believing in their hearts that he is their man, their savior. Clearly the platform of change and hope catapulted Obama to unimaginable political heights, but now the honeymoon is over. Unforgiving American politics will not yield to the unconfident or the stubborn and now Obama must prove that he is neither, risking everything to be different--to be the bringer of change and hope in the future.

holding on

Recently I was catching up on my dearest Beatrice's blog where I always find something of interest, whether it be how to spell manolo blahniks or how to deal with raising two small children. Needless to say I frequently learn something I never thought I would when I enter into her unique world. I digress. My writing has once again strayed from the original point of this paragraph, which occurs quite often in my composition, causing nettlesome rewrites and ginormous revision. I suppose this is why I should follow the classic administrative assistant’s rule of striking all but the first sentence of each paragraph in any communication, so as to promote pithiness and clarity.

Back to Bee. My compatriot has a way with words which I suppose is why she has a way with people. Eloquently, she entreated me to conjure up my innermost predications concerning therapy, which is of particular interest to me as I am pursuing professional counseling as an occupation. As I read her words I had no choice but to agree with her that we all, out of practicality or desperation, should or will accomplish our own personal therapy in one way or another when conventional methods are unattainable. There is much to explore in that statement, but that is not my focus here.

As many (or most) therapists will admit, doing counseling is in its own way therapeutic. We counselors help others in a way that matches our nature. Our souls are cured as we attempt to pour into another, swelling at times with satisfaction from our loving hands. This helping profession, our own zen garden, is powerfully transforming, moving lost people toward healing and setting them on a path to psychological and spiritual health. So how do I know that I am not simply wasting thousands of dollars pursuing a career which will only comfort my troubled heart?

Like Bee says, when one cannot obtain professional therapy (whether from finances or other more terrifying reasons), he or she should strive to stave off insanity with simple diversions which are soothing in their own way. For some it is television. For others it is alcohol. For me, it is possible that education is my therapy. My solid reminder that I am not insane and that somehow my mind is still producing worth as confirmed by scholarly professors. I have spent nearly all of my life enrolled in an educational institution and I cannot imagine the day when this circumstance will cease to be. Unfortunately such bliss will come to an end and then where will I be?

I am delighted by Bee’s suggestion to grab whatever there is to hold on to in times of peril. This is a basic survival concept which many professionals fail to acknowledge in favor of some convoluted practice which will substantiate their research foci. Much of my life has been spent reaching for that shoot dangling above the quicksand. Eventually I had to take a greater risk and stretch for something bigger which ultimately plucked me from my demise. Keeping my head above water was no healing herb, but it did allow me to survive until the day of my rescue. Holding on is not easy, but if we expect to conquer doom it is the only feasible solution, as temporary as it may be.

Thanks again to Beatrice for causing me to think.

O

This past weekend was one of the greatest of my life. Someone who I love very much made it clear to me that the future is only a whisper away. Never have I presumed to think that I would be lucky enough to encounter true love, much less marriage and a family. But these things are possible. They are not hidden away, reserved only for those who have earned it.

True companionship is found in one’s unrelenting willingness to accept another, regardless of his faults. I have learned this through my own experience of being continually received by my love. No questions asked, I am embraced fully and in a heartbeat I am swept away into filial bliss. Greater happiness is unimaginable, as my love and I are exploring new roads together.

Predicting the future is fruitless, as a formidable plan is often broken by the rules of love and life. I know, however, that some bonds of friendship and love will remain indefinitely unbroken, and these are the ties that bind me to a life full of joy. A my ship sets sail I will travel with another; on the open water will our journey take us, leading us ever onward to the glorious unknown.

childlike perceptions

Ever since I can remember I have processed events in my mind much in the same way. A given event would occur and my first response was to view myself as distinctly separated or apart from the event. Almost as if I were a translucent or invisible being hovering above life below, curiously observing from a safe distance. I would then dissect the situation to the fullest, tearing apart every possible scenario and perception. I thought about what others were thinking. I wondered how or if this would alter my own perceptions or actions. Pondering what could have been done differently, I dreamt of alternative outcomes and wild stories that were so far from reality. Then, the crowning moment of the psychoanalytic experience prompted me to discern why God had allowed or ordered me to be a part of the event.

Not much has changed over the years, save for my bravery in enduring previously unexplored situations. Now that I find myself in the midst of such phenomena, I cannot seem to pull myself from the scope of the circumstance. Rather, I am stuck dwindling in and endless vacuum which draws me ever nigh to the encompassing walls of entrapment. Like a mime imprisoned in a mirror I am unable to break free from this extra dimensional jail. I suppose it will take a John Constantine to fetch me from this abyss. I only wonder if I am serving as my own warden.

All this to say that I am absolutely happy with my life. My current pursuits, my education and my relationships are all fitting quite nicely together--though perhaps much to the sorrow of certain loved ones. It is understandable that not everyone will agree all the time and especially at the same time. What I must keep at the forefront of my mind, however, is that the stability of my rationality has never been reliant upon the perceptions of others--even if I once blindly submitted myself to such falsity. Here ends my posting for July. Until next month then.

Swimming with the big ones

A different fish now swims in the sea. Where once an old bass dwelt among squalor a perch now roams the vast oceans. Try as I may I cannot seem to swim among aquatic life. It is too unpredictable. I always thought that surprise and intrigue would more than suffice for my yearning for adventure; rather, I have been disappointed by such trivialities. My adventurous pursuits have only ended in wounds which I cannot rationalize or explain with some semblance of logic. Instead I suffer my own criticism.

In the meantime, I still endure that which will not cease to torture me. Though I knew this day was coming I remained unprepared; suffering under the delusion that I would somehow avoid such a pitfall. Even now I cannot regret my pursuance of the path set out before me. I know within the depths of my soul I have strived for valor, for honor. To preserve that which is thrown away by many; to uplift the human value for life and all that it encompasses. My brethren, I call for your patience, as time will give you the respect you so humbly desire.

to my family

I love my family very much. I would sacrifice myself for any of them without a second thought on any given day. Each and every member is important to me. They are all a part of something so big and so great that the magnitude of their inclusion perhaps escapes them. Even so, their inclusion and loveliness is not diminished; they are fully loved and fully accepted, regardless of their outward faults. I fully support them in every facet of their complicated lives; and I refrain from discussing their situations with others, especially those who are family.

I know my family loves me very much. I know that those concerned for me are very upset at this time. They feel that I am not thinking rationally and that I need to seek special counsel to resolve issues that are horrifying and scary to them. What is difficult for them to grasp, however, is that none of the current happenings are anything new. Anyone who feigns being shocked by recent events is in great denial. Never have I hid who I am or who I have always been from anyone--and those who know me can attest to such a claim.

The saddest part of this endurance for me is realizing that members of my own family are proving to be no different from the stereotypical religious right that has garnered such a bad reputation among the world. Rather than discuss an issue with me, they feel it necessary to explore an issue which they know nothing about among themselves, arriving at an an agreeable solution that will satisfy their qualms. I cannot stress the outrageousness of this behavior. It is immature and unchristian. They are blinded by their own religiosity.

My frustrations being stated, I will not condemn my family. I love them and will let them come to terms with me on their own time. I knew this day was coming for a long while, and to pretend that I am shocked by anything that has occurred would be a display of utter sophistry. I understand that personal belief systems, nourished over the years, will override my situation in every circumstance. Still I am saddened by the fact that my own kin find it easier to avoid me and self medicate rather than to talk with me. Under no circumstance would I afford them such a terror.

Christian piety is a phrase which needs to be more fully examined by all parties involved in this situation. I will not point a finger, as my own faults have stacked up against me during my lifetime. Recent events do not require blame; rather, they require unconditional love and unfortunately only certain parties are showing such love. Not surprisingly, those who are traditionally targeted in not living up to Christian standards are the only ones who are actually showing Christian love. Those who linger in the shadow of secrecy cannot know honesty because they refuse to conduct open conversation. These things, among others, will not be easily forgotten.

Even now a rift forms among a fellowship. Fickleness and desertion are now prominent where once strength resided. Justification has never been argued from my standpoint, yet correction and judgement of error is easily passed down from dissidents. Random biblical miscellany is thrown about, attempting to dissuade a child from his wrongdoing; unfortunately an adult is on the receiving end, well capable of recognizing such inanity, tossing aside predictable interpretations. And the standing defense, the rock upon which the family is founded, is attacked from all sides. Complaints and petitions, demanding action, love by discipline, and other “biblical” callings are leveled against the one who stands firm in the faith, the one who stands firm in love.

This issue does not revolve around right and wrong. In fact, it is so much withdrawn from such ethical issues that it would be impossible for one to tie them together at this point. We as a family are not presented with an ethical dilemma; rather we are presented with an opportunity to exemplify Christian love. What remains to be seen is whether or not the members of this family will read past their traditional Christianese and realize their familial obligations. Perhaps this will not happen. Perhaps communication will cease to be recovered among the family for an undefinable period of time. That is alright. There is no harm in space and quietness.

All I can say is that I love my family. They must know this, as I have always put them first in my life. I would not actively put them through what they must now endure if I could spare them from such an affair. With assurance I promise that the pain which they must know incur is much more bearable than the alternative solution of great sadness. For years such a travesty has plagued my mind and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my choice is far better than the miserable terminus of life. I have visited the edge of this danger, and I prefer to avoid such a pitfall in the future.

Resentment should in no way be extracted from my comments here. A prose, however, is meant to give light to my innermost being. My soul is exposed with humble honesty and courage. It is presumable that those who disagree with me will surely inquire about my faith. Ironically, my faith has never changed nor shall it for as long as I live. Inquirers, though, will put forth the classic and outdated question of renouncing Christ and denying Christian faith. Immature as this may be, I will choose to look past the hypercritical commentary which echoes underneath my footsteps. My spirit and my love for others will not be bludgeoned by biblically cloaked missteps.

It is acknowledgeable that my tone can seem quite rebellious at times throughout this posting. But in my defense I am fighting a fight which is taking place primarily behind my back. Those who prescribe the cure all for my situation cannot even initiate conversation with me personally. I extend to them a certain amount of understanding, but I limit myself at the point of becoming injured by said actions. I do not wish to epitomize a stereotype or show disdain for that which influenced my raising; simply put I desire that members of my family would put their feelings aside for one moment and realize that I have been myself for twenty-six years. Now is not the time to take issue with my inherent personality.

I tire of spending so much time on one insignificant little issue that has no salvific implications. People are suffering. People are dying. There are real issues to worry about and this is not one of them. Over time I am confident that these principles will be fully realized by involved parties. Until then all I can do is glory in the love which I have always possessed for my family while trying to maintain loving and stable relationships with each and every one of them.

Reunion

...Three friends ascend a mountain top on three separate sides. Each has been traveling for a great many years. They could not have traveled together; the journey would have proven impossible. But their isolated treks would lead them to reunion in the end. Upon a great cliff would their candor return. Great joy is brought upon them, and affection brews in their hearts...

I am happy to be reunited with two dear friends of mine. Though we took separate paths, we have come together at a fork in the road and for the foreseeable future it would seem that we might now travel together. Nothing brings such joy to my heart, as the love found in youth is everlasting. Our care and concern for one another has never ceased, yet it has been cloaked in the sea of happenings. Now our lamps are visible to each other and we glory together in enduring companionship.

into life

Love is a bud that beckons to be opened by the mighty rays of the sun. When this flower blooms love bursts into life. Once grazed by its smooth pedals, one is transformed into an ethereal state of being. Morning mist provides a tender kiss. The dew rolling off the outstretched arms of the flora gathers into glassy pools, reflecting, augmenting the object of original beauty. Destiny is satisfied and love is freed.

... ... ...

Two weeks ago my life was altered in such a way that I still cannot fathom to this very day. The unforeseen turn of events abruptly brought about drastic changes, literally sweeping me off my feet and sending me into recurring fleeting moments of euphoria and pure bliss. I have not felt this way in such a long time. My attention has been captured, and reality merged with dreams. This new wind carries me briskly, faster than I have ever traveled. But there is comfort to be had from this force. I am neither afraid nor apprehensive about what is to come, for the winds of change and chance have smiled upon me and ensured safe passage to a great and glorious destination. With eagerness I await the coming days.

wonder

Often I have dreamed of traveling to a place where I might find love and rest. It is only natural to pair these feelings together, as attaining one often involves experiencing the other. These states of being, then, are the only words which can describe one’s actions in his pursuit to live. My quest for life is a poetic tribute to this notion; I find my rest in love and I found love through rest.

Perhaps the greatest companion is the one who not only knows your flaws, but also appreciates that you have them. When this phenomenon occurs, honesty shines and true relationship blossoms. From there a trust is built, creating something new and beautiful and full of life. Elation then nourishes the soul, ever growing and ever binding with another, forming an unbreakable bastion, built to withstand any tempestuous gale.

I gain strength from these principles. Strength and a desire to live and live fully. Whereas once I could not see a way out of entrapment, I now know there is light to be found at the end of an untraveled path. Though it bears deep into an uncharted forest, I can sense life, safety, peace. I am not alone. We are not alone. Together we shall trek the unknown and together we will arrive at rest.

Jen is my favorite. She exudes the type of attitude and personality that I would wish upon all of my friends. She is laid back and loving, regardless of the situation, and for that I am greatly appreciative. Plus she does not judge me for my intermittent alcoholism.

death comes quickly to those who fear it the most; slowly to those who need it the most. it is but a loathsome thing--not because it brings about the cessation of life but because it destroys hearts. love hurts and love cut short stings like salt in a wound. and bitterness of tongue follows without end. tears fall and form a sea of emptiness; a numbness that masks all feeling. how my heart is battered! my spirit torn! oh respite come with haste! but lo i remain unchanged, unfettered by the restraints of hateful cherubs. and in the end alone. always. yet this is nothing new. as my pen began to stroke this page i knew the end result, nothing.

My dear friend Jen has posted a brilliant survey of what she did and experienced in 2007. Pardon me for my plagiarism but I must confess my own personal answers to this extensive questionnaire. Here goes...

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?

I purchased my first home.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I did... And I have already made new ones, Bryan knows what they are...

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Thank God no.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Unfortunately my best friends grandpa and grandfather both passed away within weeks of each other during the Christmas holiday. We will miss them. My brother-in-law's mother died as well.

5. What countries did you visit?

Jacksonville, Florida... If you've been you will understand.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

Love. Love. Love.

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

March 18 (birthday party at My Florist), March 19 (we closed on our home), July 19 (I was honest with a friend), and September 28 (Housewarming I & remodel completion).

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Probably remodeling our new condo.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Probably in several relationships.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I had a nasty bout with strep in the summer, followed by my first sinus infection in the winter!

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Two iMacs. And my condo of course!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Mike, Brittany, Jen, Sophie, Nate, Dick, Jeff, Kerri, Rick, Ronnie, Kasdan and myself of course.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

She knows who she is.

14. Where did most of your money go?

The remodel... yikes!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Monday Fun Day.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?

"Last Night" - Diddy

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a.) happier or sadder?

I don't recall... but I seem to be complacent.

b.) thinner or fatter?

Much thinner, haha. And more lean.

c.) richer or poorer?

Surprisingly richer... I don't know how that happened.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Reading, writing and traveling.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Eat junk food.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Happily with a gigantic bottle of chardonnay, and my laptop to keep me company ;) The family was great to see as well. It was fun to have Sarah and Sophie this year.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?

Love turned me into a disaster this year... We'll see what happens.

23. How many one-night stands?

Hmm... I know I will get accosted for answering this... but I think ten is correct.

24. What was your favorite TV program?

Brothers and Sisters, Dirty Sexy Money, Desperate Housewives, Battlestar Galactica, and Prison Break.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Hate is a strong word but according to the dictionary unfortunately it seems I do... Though I would never articulate such a harsh phrase.

26. What was the best book you read?

This is easy, "State of Fear" by Michael Crichton. It changed my life. I also picked up "Godless" by Ann Coulter, which was amusing.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

That I could actually play a bunch of classical music that I had never tried before.

28. What did you want and get?

A new iMac, a condo downtown, a new Scion xB, health insurance, life insurance and a retirement plan. Oh, and a bed. :)

29. What did you want and not get?

A trip to California in the summer.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

Does it have to be released this year? I only watch DVD's... As far as that goes, I must say that Finding Neverland was one of my favs... I cried for the last fifteen minutes.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

On my birthday I believe we received our keys to our new condo, but the day before we partied at My Florist. I turned 25, ouch!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Having Jen and Brittany for cocktails everyday!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

White on white, and re-introducing the concept of the tie.

34. What kept you sane?

Mike, Jen, Brittany, Rick and Kerri

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Hmm... it depends on what the definition of fancy is. If it means "A" then it is the Pope; if it is "B" then it is Zac Efron ;) LOL

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Global warming is a religion that is more judgmental than Christian fanatics.

37. Who did you miss?

Robert, Casey, Bethany, Kasdan, Dick, Amber, Dave, Cindy, Uncle Robbie, Uncle Jeff, Manders and Jeff.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Nate, Sophie, Andrew, Chelsea, Ronnie, Trevor, Richie, Nicole and Travis

39. Tell us some valuable life lessons you learned in 2007.

-I want love; just a different kind.

-Stasis is not satisfactory.

-Money does bring significant stability.

-Women still influence my life the most, whether good or bad.

40. Quote some song lyrics that sum up your year:

"Cigarettes and chocolate milk, these are just a couple of my cravings. Everything it seems I like's a little bit stronger, a little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me. If i should buy jellybeans, have to eat them all in just one sitting. Everything it seems I like's a little bit sweeter, a little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me.

And then there's those other things, which for several reasons we won't mention. Everything about them is a little bit stranger, a little bit harder, a little bit deadly. It isn't very smart; tends to make one part so broken-hearted.

Sitting here remembering me, always been a shoe made for the city. Go ahead, accuse me of just singing about places, with scrappy boys faces, have general run of the town. Playing with prodigal songs takes a lot of sentimental Valiums. Can't expect the world to be your raggedy Andy while running on empty you little old doll with a frown.

You got to keep in the game, maintaining mystique while facing forward. I suggest a reading of 'a lesson in tightropes' or 'surfing your high hopes' or 'adios Kansas'.

Still there's not a show on my back, holes or a friendly intervention. I'm just a little bit heiress, a little bit Irish, a little bit Tower of Pisa whenever i see you. So please be kind if I'm a mess."

-Rufus Wainwright, "Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk"

out with the old, in with the new. like a flood of rushing water the sunrise of the new year awaits. surpassing all possibility of remaining implacable, waxing nostalgic, the hereafter comes with a mighty sword, thrashing its way through all stubborn stragglers. i am already moving; i set sail long ago so as not to be taken by surprise. others will look on saying i have abandoned them but if they look closely they will see that my place was in danger from the power of the surge and theirs was safeguarded high atop a towering cliff. that they might come to see this is a dream of mine, yet it in itself is not to be real. perhaps one day their ship will be forced to set sail and i will greet them on the vast sea which now divides us. and we shall reminisce for auld lang syne. 

i found the source of the creepos. i had to kill it, and it hurt me to do so. i love green plants and when they wither a piece of my soul dies also. but the pest is gone and i am thankful. 

"As concerning my friends and kinsfolk," quoth he, "[I am not concerned] greatly for them. For I think i have sufficiently done my part towards them already. For these things that other men do not depart from until they be old and sick, yea, which they be then very loath to leave when they can no longer keep, those very same things did I, being not only [vigorous] and in good health but also in the flower of my youth, divide among my friends and kinsfolk. Which I think with this my liberality ought to hold them contented, and not to require nor to look that besides this I should for their sakes give myself in bondage unto kings."

-Utopia, Book I

in the bleak midwinter, we wait for glad tidings of christmas to bring us joy. in a season of cheer the heart longs for love and the spirit seeks peace in the winter solstice. another year has gone and a new dawn approaches. the new solar revolution will bring times of great change. i desire not to lose myself. i hope to love and be loved. i will bring success to myself and others. i will embrace with confidence the path revealed before me and i will endure to new heights.

i met impossible fate tonight, and again i was turned down.

i am not surprised, i will not falter; yet i am still sad.

still i will tarry; still i will endure;

and eventually i will find my respite; i know it.

i want to go to neverland. where endless beauty abounds. evergreen forests span the horizon. flashes of blood orange and mango yellow peel across the sky, piercing through the clouds on the sea. a ship rests gently in a cove. mermaids sunbathe on the warm rocks. the redskins hum soft melodies singing sweetly to the tune of dusk. time never catches up here. it is always behind.

the morning does not bring age, but rather a gang of hungry children pouring down a hill to pick fresh strawberries, blueberries, apple berries, bananas and kiwis to decorate their breakfast. they hasten only the delight of their stomachs, as a seemingly endless day lies in wait. enter the pan. the boy named peter descends upon his kingdom in a wave of glory as the realm of the fairies greets him magically. he does not worry; he does not fret. for here tears cannot exist. the very water to supply them is turned into fairy dust. though the young prince will lead his pack into battle with the pirates, he knows that good will win in this place. all will be well in the land of everlasting youth.

yes this is neverland. that place where i was meant to be. i must find my way. i must believe. i will think happy thoughts and gain my wings. i will take flight past the second star to the right and straight on till morning. there i will find the land of wonder. the dawn of enchantment. i shall touch down there, never to return.

i feel nothing. numbness is enjoyable to the extent that one does not feel pain, but it is not a lovable companion. drugs can only affect a mood; they cannot erase it.