there is a glimmer

of hope in the distance
though it looks much different than expected
but then again, it's life

i am dry

and water is all around me
yet i cannot drink of it
because it is for "whites only"
and my color does not match

left alone in this burning haze
i do not see myself in the mirror
happiness and elation, distant memories
my greatest fears weigh upon me

i move on; i pick myself up, or drag myself
and pull myself to safety, or so i think
that i used to do often also, not now though
and the harbinger of death gently passes by

drama, drama everywhere, i've had too much to drink
and this passing phase shall end, but not without great loss
where do we go from here? this is not what we expected to be
one cannot appreciate the top until he has seen the utter bottom

cheers.

you say...

you said that this just is not you
yet your actions prove otherwise
i see that you are conflicted, confused
and i hope you find some resolve
not only for your sake,
but for those around you whom are suffering

...

it is not secret, it is not safe
this ring which i has fallen from my finger
my hopes rest in the hands of the stranger
who found my ring and now looks upon it curiously

i wish i could have my ring back
for its security grasped me tightly, with comfort
and now i am naked in an icestorm
with only the blood from my bleeding heart to keep me warm

about cursing...

so i have never actually uttered a person curse before tonight...
that is, i have never said, "damn you" or "f*#$ you" to anyone.
before tonight.
but i had good reason. well, i don't suppose any reason
is a good one to sin; but nonetheless, i did it
and i am admitting it here, before peers, for all to see

to you who i did curse this eve, i apologize;
but i will have no faith in you, trust is lost

it was nice once being your friend.
what happened? did i offend?
i certainly would not have attacked you
in such a force so as to humiliate you.

i hope that you realize that anger did not
dominate me tonight; yet tears, tears of sadness
you inflicted me with the harshest of pain
and words will not stop the tears.

for you have compromised the damn,
you have unleashed the hurt, the pain
you have without reason unleashed hell upon me,
hurt. hurt. hurt. i cannot compose words strong enough.

uhh... you thought i wouldn't find out...

ummm... if perchance you thought i was too stupid to find out
you were mistaken my dear. although i hope you realize
right about now, that i did not utter word one about you.
i hope that digs in, to the deepest of your soul, and if not,
well, you're heartlesssay you're sorry all you want, but i know the truth...
you would not have said it if you were sorry.
let me just try to convey to you the pain you have inflicted
and i seek no apology; for i expect nothing from which is nothing
betrayal, betrayal, such strong words
"such strong words, jack," i was told...
obviously not so very strong that the closest of friends
could utter them at a moment's glance
you have hurt me. congratulations.
i hope you are happy.
i am not.
i am sure that gives you consolation at this point.

i move on

slowly i come to grasp
the truly sad fact of absence, of a void
and i raise an eyebrow and my lip slightly grins
eight days and counting, my head returns
tomorrow i suppose i shall be further along
"further" seems to be a relevant word currently
i can now stand, i think of other things, of tasks
and i look to the dawn on the ninth day, for hope

no change

the morning brings no joy; restitution.
and now off to nowhere.
with no sleep.

whatev...

i fell into your life like rain upon a cobblestone path
my joy was that which threatens to become dangerous
for that i tried to quit you, i turned the other way
then suddenly there we were, and we were there

in a few short days i experienced honest elation
then ultimately i felt the greatest pain of my life
life has come crashing down upon me
and now i am slowly suffocating to death in the rubble

it was such a wonderful present
and now it has been taken back, returned
i knew this was possible, just not so soon
time cut short this journey, and death is apparent

down down, he tumbles, all the way to the ground
he cannot feel anything, for when he does
he only feels the pain of stinging death
ruining him, yet never generous enough to kill him

it is finished

the story has ended, and the ending is sad
my heart longs not to feel, to end itself
i open my eyes and tears fall out
i close them and my soul stings from loss
burn burn, burned
i did not understand before, now...i wish i did not, it cost too much"
and he fell from the mountain top into the far reaches of nothingness"

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

peace

what joy has covered my heart
peace flows in a different way
my eyes are settled upon a rock
a true refuge for my being

words cannot be contrived to express my joy
i am in an aweful bliss; a true haven of comfort
my heart flips at the sound of your voice
my soul waits patiently for your embrace

happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh, he approaches the edge and there is water down below
and he knows he will safely land in the cradling arms of the water
soft will be his landing, and joyful will be his future
for he has come to the realization of his most desired dreams

and the sweet sweet caress of the clouds surrounds him
for his bliss is endless, his cares are lost to the wind
he has tasted the gentle lips of honesty
as his thirst for truth has been quenched

oh happy, happy day of goodness, of excitement
what can be as great as this, not the greatest holiday
but truly today his heart heals, the wounds of sorrow mend
grief and disbelief depart him for their grasp is no more

i cannot help but think that there must be some semblance of hope in the future. i seem to always resolve to be positive, though i try my best to be a pessimist. it must have something to do with the music that i am listening to. it always seems to melt my heart. i don't want to talk. about things we've gone through. though it's hurting me. now it's history. i've played all my cards. and that's what you've done too. nothing more to say. no more ace to play. the winner takes it all. the loser's standing small. beside the victory, that's our destiny.
cheers and goodnight.

j

why...

you are tired, you are poor
you are sick, you are cold
you hunger without respite
you forever thirst
yet you will not take the antidote

a home for happiness

a song calls out in the winter's night, but to no avail
for a lad cries deeply, his tears turning to ice as they fall
he knows not love nor joy, but only true sorrow and pain
he cannot experience life as the others are more than able

the boy settles into the comfort of his own nightmare
he knows his fate, his true feelings and his own wants
choose he did not his own suffering, but they are still his
and for his lifetime, his own personality will torment him

doctors, scientists, and clergymen all try to fix him
but their potions cannot provide a salve for his wounds
for they are eternal, as the markings in the great lamb's book
and his markings will be with him throughout the ages

what happiness does this boy have, what dreams can survive?
do his own aspirations and desires die with the holy flame?
when will he know to step forward, back, up, down, or aside?
how can he know, when the realities of life torment him so?

something lighter

there is a certain dream to which i cling
it speaks of calm, cool, and clouds
if only i could jump into it head first
but alas my earthly dwelling keeps me

were i able to run the race slightly faster
i might arrive to my new utopia early
my thoughts frequently cherish this thought
but alas my earthly dweeling keeps me

for now i shall stay, quiet, sometimes loud
and i will keep watch of my surroundings
minding my balance, agility, and footwork
while my earthly dwelling keeps me

a good bit of trash to sort through...

http://www.time.com/time/personoftheyear/2005/people/

honestly, it's hilarious what objective journalism means today. this piece above is great. see if you can find the obvious hidden point of this piece. it is entitled, "people who mattered 2005."

time magazine is trash anyways, but i did get a kick in reading their little tidbits about the people who "mattered." the usual can be expected: liberals and bush haters were glorified; anyone associated with republicans, well you know what happened to them. i am not saying that these people did not matter, but it was in the write ups about them that the editor's true biased feelings came out. what surprised me the most is that the editor had more positive things to say about iran's anti-semitic president who has been threatening the use of nuclear arms than he did about George W Bush. i can understand people's dislike for our president, but come on, he is not out there saying hateful things about anyone. no one here would let him get away with that. he is not threatening the world with nuclear arms like a little child throwing a tantrum. wake up people, and stop playing the fool.

just a side note here. the time will come when lines will again be drawn against israel and jews in general. where will you stand? i tell you, that i shall not call friend anyone who does not stand in solidarity with israel. i will not even have to think about it. it is a problem that is escalating and i will be intolerant of it.

what has the world come to? are people so blind? yes, yes indeed they are. it is so simple, but people do not want to see things for what they really are (right and wrong), especially when it will call into question the morality of their lifestyle. pride is an awful thing.

pretending the feds eavesdropping was a secret...

congrats america! you have won the title of ignoramus... whoever of you that is actually did not have some idea about the feds eavesdropping on emails, etc. we knew about that years ago, it is old news. of course now it is simply another tirade against bush to try to destroy him, though he is leaving already in 2008! that is why i think the democrats and liberals in this nation who are partied to that kind of behavior to be foolish. they are trying to stop a horse that is at the end of the race, and if they would wake up they would realize the horse has already won.

an enormous election took place in iraq these last days, but you will not hear about that on any of news corporation owned television stations, which are all of the television stations! if you took a poll today (and one was just recently taken) in iraq, it would reflect an overwhelming positive attitude about what america did in that country. sure, you will have the minority angry voice (which by the way is the same voice that made saddam president of iraq in the first place :) but the largest voice of the people is their vote, and iraqis have voted for freedom.

these things do not matter to those who are trying to see to it that our nation self-destructs. they would rather see that happen so they could blame bush than see a safe nation with a president with whom they might not agree. they are unable to deal with these things with reason. they are immature. not logical. ignoramuses.

by the way, any of you who feel supremely violated that the feds have been "spying" on you should read the patriot act. many times, people do not actually read the bills which have been passed, which causes them to make ignorant statements about later upsets such as this one. while you are at it, you should take another look at the constitution and the bill of rights.

you think you have seen me angry...

people, including myself, do not think before they speak
too often words are spent as if they cost nothing originally
words are in fact precious, and should be used carefully

i know too well the damaging effect of words
whether i have been the attacker or have been myself afflicted
i know the carnage the tongue wreaks upon human beings

as this person that no earthly body truly knows
i can say words have tarnished me, eroded my soul
silently i have let the lexis reach deep into my heart
ripping to shreds all decency and humanity
i watch quietly as the hostilities occur

patiently, i let my spirits falter, die before my eyes
then i watch any hope i had, slip away into the dark
painfully seeking out new shelter, only to find none
my lifeblood thickens, it does not reach all my limbs
from there i find peace in letting myself go, the light cometh

but i still wonder what dreams might have come

what do you think?

you do not know
you do not know me
you cannot possibly know

do not think that for one moment you know
you are pompous to think so

what passes through your eyes as simple
treads heavily on my soul, indefinitely
and you cannot possibly know

i will never forsake the bonds of true friendship
i do not care what others will say, gossip
for i know who has been there, who will be there
and who will not

as these frustrations mount, i can only think of one place
high up in the mountains i wish i could be, far from this
i long to be with company, yet i long to be alone
those who smirk at my ire are ruthless
heartless beings that matter none to me, eternity
their cruelty catches me not, i fly onward

brash you may call me, but then you have not called
so stuff your nonsensicalness and be through with me
for i was long before finished with you

i digress, i come to the end of this rant
it sounds angry i know, but it is laced with certain truth
i will go on, with or without, i will go, though i might fall
i will indeed fly before the end, i tell you, i will fly