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6/17/2010
5/17/2010
Embracing Me, Myself, and the Crazy
Mental stability still eludes me, though I have tried with many efforts to secure my psychological well being. Perhaps I must conform to the idea that my moderate insanity is acceptable, embracing a degree of madness with open arms. Rather than try to stave off the effects of continued ill thoughts toward myself, harnessing my feelings might produce a certain amount of profitability that could afford me monetary rewards for my strife. At the very least I will have attempted a fresh approach, rejecting traditional and wearisome techniques in favor for shamelessly seeking to benefit from my own misfortune. And why would I not pursue such a venture? After all, it is my hardship and I alone have the power to diminish it—yet I will not release myself from obsessive captivity, languishing endlessly in a pathetic sea of despair.
How to proceed in this scheme is a bit indefinable, as I quickly recognize the most obvious question: from what perspective is my story interesting? What characters drive the motivation for conflict and climax? How do I relate the various disjointed events and what will comprise the resolve? Simply pondering these concerns already has my head spinning and I am sufficiently bored with the impending task. Still my pen seems cathartic in a way, allowing me to rake my stick through the sands of the Zen stone garden, creating meaningless patterns that somehow calm my eruptive soul. If only one could flip a switch to turn on and off such passion and fervor, I would probably not be writing any of this. The exhausting deluge of depression I keep spewing is enough to drive even the sanest person to lunacy. My evidential weakness surfaces immediately when discussing any of this with friends, and their contempt for my ongoing choice to walk wounded is appropriate to say the least.
Back to the story. For some cursed reason, I am unable (or unwilling) to let things go. When I am slighted or treated unfairly, it is almost impossible for me to shed my concern for what others think. Lovers, who once held complete attention of my heart, have an especially stinging, long lasting impact on my self esteem, hope in the future and general ability to move on with my life. Everything presented here so far has happened to millions of others; I am far from unique in my perceived plight. Yet I am constantly taken by emotional surprise, illuminating my curiously infinite naivety. Why are some people able to forget others in an instant? How can one so easily forget his experiences with another? Are people really capable of being so cruel? These questions and more cloud the corners of my mind, identifying my own ignorance in light of present and historical social reality. What I casually and quite incorrectly classify as a dignified utopianism is actually nothing more than voluntary stupidity.
I endeavor to avoid being too harsh on myself, but there are simply too many faults to ignore. Though my defects have not induced within me a devious or unlawful nature, my persistent acquiescence to my belief in the universal human connection has recurrently blocked my path on the journey of life. Thinking that all beings desire to establish and preserve a healthy connection with others, I foolishly entangle myself in relationships that will yield only heartache. Though I have never preferred logic when exploring my associations, perhaps Wilde was correct in suggesting that a modest amount of science would greatly improve the chances for relationship success. Disregarding tell tale signs during a blossoming liaison of any sort is most harmful, and in my experience almost always ends in calamity. Reluctantly, I admit the difficulty in heeding my own wisdom, as I much favor the unpredictably ruinous possibilities of such folly. When answering why this is so, one must immediately abandon reason and, yet again, swim in the sea of chaos.
Refusing to let go of love lost has inhibited my efforts to become a whole, healthy single person. Always hoping for companionship, I have never allowed myself to be comfortable existing independently. I have spent a lifetime trying to surround myself with others, even at the expense of being among bad company. As a child I remember relentlessly searching for friendship, hoping to quell my needs of affection and external validation. Until recently, I have never lived alone in my adult life, always replacing lost roommates with others, securing the bedrooms of my home with living, breathing persons to make me feel secure. It is safe to say that I still possess this mission, yearning for others to be significant and present parts of my life. Failed love, then, is the pebble I cannot pluck from my shoe. As gruesome as it sounds, coping with the passing of a loved one has proven easier than dealing with my internal dilemma. Surely accepting the reality of my codependent tendencies has been somewhat humiliating, but identifying the heart of this behavior is a necessary venture.
~ ~ ~
Profiting from this jar of jumbled thoughts is now a distant memory, as recent travels to the Northeast have once again altered my perspective. Upon arriving home, people immediately noted my apparent “refreshed” appearance, citing a certain “glow” about me. Skeptical at first about the physical evidence of my rejuvenation, I began to realize that something within me had indeed changed—a turning point that occurred thousands of miles from home. Being away from regular life allowed me see the world in a new light, glimpsing the people around me with fresh eyes, free from the deep skepticism that had slowly enveloped me over the past few months. Not to say that I was instantly cured of all torment, but there was an unmistakable change in my attitude, liberating me to think positively and clearly about the future. Visiting New York has frequently coincided with major events in my life, but this latest holiday forced me to be myself, by myself, and get up and go. Walking among millions of businessmen, tradesmen, merchants, teachers, students, immigrants, and artists showed me that everyday people deal with everyday problems one step at a time, moving one foot forward then the next. Stepping onto the subway, the masses move great distances to meet the needs of others, securing their own well being while serving a greater purpose in the community... Waxing nostalgic about the ebb and flow of the great city is not my purpose here; that enterprise will be saved for another entry.
For the first time in memory, I can honestly say that I am comfortable with who I am, a single man. There are many roads before me, and many good things to come. Though hard times will still ensue, the power of knowing my own self worth is more than enough to move forward, pressing on to be something greater. Friendships and relationships are still very important, but they will not rule my life, dictating whether I am up or down. Part of being human is espousing healthy associations with other people, and gradually I am learning how to balance emotional attachment when establishing and maintaining relationships. A work in progress, I now have hope that I can function as a healthy individual, continually aiming to better myself while reaching out to countless others whom I am grateful to have in my life.
How to proceed in this scheme is a bit indefinable, as I quickly recognize the most obvious question: from what perspective is my story interesting? What characters drive the motivation for conflict and climax? How do I relate the various disjointed events and what will comprise the resolve? Simply pondering these concerns already has my head spinning and I am sufficiently bored with the impending task. Still my pen seems cathartic in a way, allowing me to rake my stick through the sands of the Zen stone garden, creating meaningless patterns that somehow calm my eruptive soul. If only one could flip a switch to turn on and off such passion and fervor, I would probably not be writing any of this. The exhausting deluge of depression I keep spewing is enough to drive even the sanest person to lunacy. My evidential weakness surfaces immediately when discussing any of this with friends, and their contempt for my ongoing choice to walk wounded is appropriate to say the least.
Back to the story. For some cursed reason, I am unable (or unwilling) to let things go. When I am slighted or treated unfairly, it is almost impossible for me to shed my concern for what others think. Lovers, who once held complete attention of my heart, have an especially stinging, long lasting impact on my self esteem, hope in the future and general ability to move on with my life. Everything presented here so far has happened to millions of others; I am far from unique in my perceived plight. Yet I am constantly taken by emotional surprise, illuminating my curiously infinite naivety. Why are some people able to forget others in an instant? How can one so easily forget his experiences with another? Are people really capable of being so cruel? These questions and more cloud the corners of my mind, identifying my own ignorance in light of present and historical social reality. What I casually and quite incorrectly classify as a dignified utopianism is actually nothing more than voluntary stupidity.
I endeavor to avoid being too harsh on myself, but there are simply too many faults to ignore. Though my defects have not induced within me a devious or unlawful nature, my persistent acquiescence to my belief in the universal human connection has recurrently blocked my path on the journey of life. Thinking that all beings desire to establish and preserve a healthy connection with others, I foolishly entangle myself in relationships that will yield only heartache. Though I have never preferred logic when exploring my associations, perhaps Wilde was correct in suggesting that a modest amount of science would greatly improve the chances for relationship success. Disregarding tell tale signs during a blossoming liaison of any sort is most harmful, and in my experience almost always ends in calamity. Reluctantly, I admit the difficulty in heeding my own wisdom, as I much favor the unpredictably ruinous possibilities of such folly. When answering why this is so, one must immediately abandon reason and, yet again, swim in the sea of chaos.
Refusing to let go of love lost has inhibited my efforts to become a whole, healthy single person. Always hoping for companionship, I have never allowed myself to be comfortable existing independently. I have spent a lifetime trying to surround myself with others, even at the expense of being among bad company. As a child I remember relentlessly searching for friendship, hoping to quell my needs of affection and external validation. Until recently, I have never lived alone in my adult life, always replacing lost roommates with others, securing the bedrooms of my home with living, breathing persons to make me feel secure. It is safe to say that I still possess this mission, yearning for others to be significant and present parts of my life. Failed love, then, is the pebble I cannot pluck from my shoe. As gruesome as it sounds, coping with the passing of a loved one has proven easier than dealing with my internal dilemma. Surely accepting the reality of my codependent tendencies has been somewhat humiliating, but identifying the heart of this behavior is a necessary venture.
~ ~ ~
Profiting from this jar of jumbled thoughts is now a distant memory, as recent travels to the Northeast have once again altered my perspective. Upon arriving home, people immediately noted my apparent “refreshed” appearance, citing a certain “glow” about me. Skeptical at first about the physical evidence of my rejuvenation, I began to realize that something within me had indeed changed—a turning point that occurred thousands of miles from home. Being away from regular life allowed me see the world in a new light, glimpsing the people around me with fresh eyes, free from the deep skepticism that had slowly enveloped me over the past few months. Not to say that I was instantly cured of all torment, but there was an unmistakable change in my attitude, liberating me to think positively and clearly about the future. Visiting New York has frequently coincided with major events in my life, but this latest holiday forced me to be myself, by myself, and get up and go. Walking among millions of businessmen, tradesmen, merchants, teachers, students, immigrants, and artists showed me that everyday people deal with everyday problems one step at a time, moving one foot forward then the next. Stepping onto the subway, the masses move great distances to meet the needs of others, securing their own well being while serving a greater purpose in the community... Waxing nostalgic about the ebb and flow of the great city is not my purpose here; that enterprise will be saved for another entry.
For the first time in memory, I can honestly say that I am comfortable with who I am, a single man. There are many roads before me, and many good things to come. Though hard times will still ensue, the power of knowing my own self worth is more than enough to move forward, pressing on to be something greater. Friendships and relationships are still very important, but they will not rule my life, dictating whether I am up or down. Part of being human is espousing healthy associations with other people, and gradually I am learning how to balance emotional attachment when establishing and maintaining relationships. A work in progress, I now have hope that I can function as a healthy individual, continually aiming to better myself while reaching out to countless others whom I am grateful to have in my life.
4/21/2010
Connection (an attempt)
I began this piece the other day but never finished. My mind was cloudy and I could not quite form what I was trying to say. I have decided to abandon the approach, but have nevertheless posted it in case I get a response that inspires me to pick it up again...
Human intuition drives us to connect with other beings, moments and sensations, triggering the realization that our existence is not solitary. It is this powerful realization that continually motivates us to move beyond our limitations, seeking comfort in knowing that we create ripples; our actions produce inarguable outcomes that prove our perceptibleness. Sinking softly in cool water, feeling the tiniest bubbles tickle your face as they seek their higher destination. Nature interacts with your body in this blissful moment, imparting a heightened sense of awareness. Connection happens, and the moment passes, but the effects are forever imprinted on your being.
Recently I have developed a somewhat cruel addiction to ascending the peak of a mountain at a pace that intimidates even me. What began as an adventurous respite from business became a routine discipline that has enveloped any former wonder for the natural environment. Rock trails became a staircase and the surrounding scenery turned into background noise. Other hikers, then, transformed into curious passersby, not dissimilar to tumbleweeds brushing across my path. Life offered me a wondrous chance to connect with a most visceral ambiance but somehow my eyes glazed into fogginess, rejecting the world in favor of meaningless ritual. Ignoring countless opportunities to interact amidst such a beautiful setting, I now seek the very possibilities I have squandered.
Every day we are placed in situations that afford us the chance to be a part of something other than ourselves. Our commitment to reaching out defines the probabilities of the results. Society seems to constantly reinforce that we must take care of ourselves and indulge our own needs and desires in order to live happy lives. While this notion might lead one to become more outwardly healthy, it discards the efficacy of a deeper, more spiritual health. Religion aside, this spirituality involves allowing oneself to be a part of a greater community, to bask in loving arms of nature and to experience the emotions of special times.
Human intuition drives us to connect with other beings, moments and sensations, triggering the realization that our existence is not solitary. It is this powerful realization that continually motivates us to move beyond our limitations, seeking comfort in knowing that we create ripples; our actions produce inarguable outcomes that prove our perceptibleness. Sinking softly in cool water, feeling the tiniest bubbles tickle your face as they seek their higher destination. Nature interacts with your body in this blissful moment, imparting a heightened sense of awareness. Connection happens, and the moment passes, but the effects are forever imprinted on your being.
Recently I have developed a somewhat cruel addiction to ascending the peak of a mountain at a pace that intimidates even me. What began as an adventurous respite from business became a routine discipline that has enveloped any former wonder for the natural environment. Rock trails became a staircase and the surrounding scenery turned into background noise. Other hikers, then, transformed into curious passersby, not dissimilar to tumbleweeds brushing across my path. Life offered me a wondrous chance to connect with a most visceral ambiance but somehow my eyes glazed into fogginess, rejecting the world in favor of meaningless ritual. Ignoring countless opportunities to interact amidst such a beautiful setting, I now seek the very possibilities I have squandered.
Every day we are placed in situations that afford us the chance to be a part of something other than ourselves. Our commitment to reaching out defines the probabilities of the results. Society seems to constantly reinforce that we must take care of ourselves and indulge our own needs and desires in order to live happy lives. While this notion might lead one to become more outwardly healthy, it discards the efficacy of a deeper, more spiritual health. Religion aside, this spirituality involves allowing oneself to be a part of a greater community, to bask in loving arms of nature and to experience the emotions of special times.
3/23/2010
Human Care
Amidst several days of conversational topics such as healthcare, human rights, environmental responsibility and financial stability, it is easy to see that one common theme surrounds each of the concerns. Love is that which ties them together. Love is required to put each into practice. People tend to cling to one issue over others, but they fail to see that a common love of life itself is necessary in order to maintain balanced objectivity when considering a particular issue--thereby creating a natural conduit in which to perpetuate the plight of a certain cause. Put simply, if all people embraced a true love of life, all peoples would embrace a mission to achieve a common purpose.
Similar to the above societal strife, the relationship between two lovers presents a dichotomy as to what is considered love. Take a person who finds herself loving her partner with an unconditional love that is not returned in the manner she had expected. Confused and hurt, an attempt to express her emotions is met with an even colder indifference that only compounds the situation. Although sometimes this scenario plainly reveals a severely emotionally mismatched couple, it is more likely that they simply do not understand how to love each other. Partners who have learned how to love each other comprehend that listening, acknowledging, humility and sacrifice are essential to providing a symmetry of mutual care.
Avoiding the pitfall of taking a political position, it is safe to say that love could really solve many of the issues on both sides of the fence. Long have people abandoned coming together to find commonality in favor of polarizing their stances. Perhaps if this message of love could touch their hearts and minds, those divided by such chasms might see that they are not so different. Dreaming of this world may seem naively utopian, especially considering the fiercely real caveats of present day contentions; however, although technology and fashion have changed, there is nothing new under the sun and it would be diminishing to assume that mankind could not overcome his pride, welcoming unconditional love.
Similar to the above societal strife, the relationship between two lovers presents a dichotomy as to what is considered love. Take a person who finds herself loving her partner with an unconditional love that is not returned in the manner she had expected. Confused and hurt, an attempt to express her emotions is met with an even colder indifference that only compounds the situation. Although sometimes this scenario plainly reveals a severely emotionally mismatched couple, it is more likely that they simply do not understand how to love each other. Partners who have learned how to love each other comprehend that listening, acknowledging, humility and sacrifice are essential to providing a symmetry of mutual care.
Avoiding the pitfall of taking a political position, it is safe to say that love could really solve many of the issues on both sides of the fence. Long have people abandoned coming together to find commonality in favor of polarizing their stances. Perhaps if this message of love could touch their hearts and minds, those divided by such chasms might see that they are not so different. Dreaming of this world may seem naively utopian, especially considering the fiercely real caveats of present day contentions; however, although technology and fashion have changed, there is nothing new under the sun and it would be diminishing to assume that mankind could not overcome his pride, welcoming unconditional love.
3/11/2010
For You
These words came to me for my dear friend whose eyes are forever searching for the future with such hope and certainty, yet cloud illusions often get in the way...
Dear one, your heart is bigger than most, and your life reminds the rest of us that we are indeed alive. Your hope is infectious and your sincerity is breathtaking. These are your strengths, and combined they form the strongest love possible--that which you may not realize but is nevertheless ever present. You have know for a long time that your life is a moving jazz piece, accompanied by a full orchestra. Sometimes you want to close the score, averting your eyes from the score because parts of the composition are so emotionally wrecking. Though understandable and quite reasonable, you the conductor must finish the work, as those around you cannot play their part without your vulnerable guiding hand.
Words cannot describe the affection I feel for you. Your soul has touched mine, saved mine from depths so dark I could not even see my thoughts. That is a gift that goes beyond what anyone else can offer, and you alone graciously offered it freely and lovingly. Giving is comfortable for you, and in the same way you must let others give to you. Many are not suited to such an opportunity, as they have proven time and again that their ways are blinded by selfishness and stupidity. Do not be forever troubled by this, for it is but a glimpse of the possibilities ahead. This world is big and great hearts are found daily by those who seek them. You have great heart my friend, and you will reach great heights in all you do. Mostly, you will be loved.
Finally, please do not allow yourself to be spoiled by the sourness of bad experiences and lousy people, for your simple genuine spirit outshines all such nonsense. Instead, be encouraged that one day these steps in training will be lifted and you will come into your own--you will come alive like a great wind upon the sea. Trust in friendship, dear one, allowing yourself to be nourished through the greatest fellowship man has to offer. Know that your growth occurs alongside another's, that we are in this together until the end. My desire is for you to be joyful, realizing the beauty that surrounds you and emanates from your being. Hold yourself in high regard, for you are a rock to many and your strength and compassion uplift us all. Cling to hope as you always have, and the path will eventually lead you home.
Forever affectionately yours,
Jack
Dear one, your heart is bigger than most, and your life reminds the rest of us that we are indeed alive. Your hope is infectious and your sincerity is breathtaking. These are your strengths, and combined they form the strongest love possible--that which you may not realize but is nevertheless ever present. You have know for a long time that your life is a moving jazz piece, accompanied by a full orchestra. Sometimes you want to close the score, averting your eyes from the score because parts of the composition are so emotionally wrecking. Though understandable and quite reasonable, you the conductor must finish the work, as those around you cannot play their part without your vulnerable guiding hand.
Words cannot describe the affection I feel for you. Your soul has touched mine, saved mine from depths so dark I could not even see my thoughts. That is a gift that goes beyond what anyone else can offer, and you alone graciously offered it freely and lovingly. Giving is comfortable for you, and in the same way you must let others give to you. Many are not suited to such an opportunity, as they have proven time and again that their ways are blinded by selfishness and stupidity. Do not be forever troubled by this, for it is but a glimpse of the possibilities ahead. This world is big and great hearts are found daily by those who seek them. You have great heart my friend, and you will reach great heights in all you do. Mostly, you will be loved.
Finally, please do not allow yourself to be spoiled by the sourness of bad experiences and lousy people, for your simple genuine spirit outshines all such nonsense. Instead, be encouraged that one day these steps in training will be lifted and you will come into your own--you will come alive like a great wind upon the sea. Trust in friendship, dear one, allowing yourself to be nourished through the greatest fellowship man has to offer. Know that your growth occurs alongside another's, that we are in this together until the end. My desire is for you to be joyful, realizing the beauty that surrounds you and emanates from your being. Hold yourself in high regard, for you are a rock to many and your strength and compassion uplift us all. Cling to hope as you always have, and the path will eventually lead you home.
Forever affectionately yours,
Jack
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